Sibling Christmas

Dear Diary,

Morning. I woke up and dreaded the day. Im still feeling rundown with a cold. I so badly wanted to call in sick, but knew I could manage working. I dont want to blow any of my vacation hours on sick days if I can help it.

So here I am. I get to leave today for the Christmas Free Shopping for my kids! Thats later this afternoon. Wonder what type of things they will have to choose from?

I also was trying to figure out my college class schedule. I want to take 2 film classes, but Im thinking I better do just one, I wanted to take the 6 week intercession courses but I looked at the times and they just dont work to well with work and children scheduling. Bleh

So Im planning to start the Spring one in Feb that is twice a week. I have to go in and turn in my admission form so if I can Ill do it later today.

I spoke to my middle sister finally yesterday. I tried calling her the night by Dad yelled at me, and we played phone tag saturday. So last night we finally spoke.

Ive reached a limit. Im ready to set a new boundary with my parents. Its something thats been there this past year that I have been struggling with doing. But this episode, well its time for me to do it. Its just the point where I tell mom I dread. Not that I expect her to get angry at me or anything. Its just when your own Mom cant set a boundary and you have to be the one to do it, well its awkward as the child.

So what is it? Well, I no longer want the kids at their house with my Dad there. Like for example, My mom takes the kids now and then for a sleep over at Gmas, or when the kids are off track and she watches them for me, she spends some days at her house. And my Dad is there, and sometimes she runs errands and my Dad watches them while shes out.

I dont mind the kids with my Mom AT ALL. That isnt the issue. The issue is my Dad’s outbursts, and not wanting my children around that. That is exactly why I moved out, and my children dont need to be subjected to this also. So I have to tell Mom no more sleep overs, unless Dad is gone at his cabin, no more sitting at her house, it has to be my house(Unless Dad is gone) I honestly get a little scared about my fathers well being, his mental well being.

And maybe its time Mom got a wake up call. She stays in this garbage. I cant tolerate it. I have to protect me and my child from abusive behaviors.

So I was telling my sister how it feels so strange now. I dont want to go over to my parents house. I dont want to see my Dad. I dont even want to call. I always hate it when he answers the phone since I dont really want to talk to him. My Sister said “I understand, I get afraid to even call your house because Im afraid Mom will be there and answer and I dont want to talk to her” and we laughed how we are all weird about this. So I told her to call my cell phone, Im the only one who answers it. She said okay. 🙂 We are planning to get together Christmas eve at my oldest sisters.

We are just planning it for us siblings. Not calling our parents to tell them, my sis said if they inquire they will tell them, but they arent doing all the work anymore for Mom and Dad. I commented to my sis how I feel the reverse of what she feels towards Mom. My issues are more with Dad.

So I asked my sis if bro was coming? She said “We are leaving that sunday night to his place and we are “Talking him into coming” as she put it. She said “This is the year for all of us siblings to love on one another, and our brother has been away for too long” My brother and his wife separated this last year. He bought his own house. And hes not said one word as to what has happened or anything to any of us. He was fine acting at Thanksgiving. Not that he has to talk, but my sisters are closer to him then I am since they all are around same ages, grew up together, and witnessed the same abuse. I came along much later and grew up different then they did.

I also spoke to her about the dog. She said “If you want to take him in to have it removed we will pay for it” 🙂 She also said though since hes old, the surgery could be hard on him, or having it removed could do more damage. But I need to talk to the vet, see what they say. I just am so torn over it all. Hes still a happy dog and acting fine, eating, barking at the mailman, just the loveable dog I adore. Its just this huge tumor or whatever it is sticking out of his chest that is all raw looking and puffy. So I would hate to take him in to have it removed, and him end up dying or something there andn ever bringing him home. But sister said I can get the vets advice, then come home and think it over and call her and talk to her about it, and if I need help to decide she said she will help me. 🙂 I was about ready to cry. She said ” Look that dog was a part of our family too” And she told me about what happened with her 3 past boxers who died and the problems they had. How one vet wanted to put one of hers to sleep because he had a cough, and was bloated. She was in shock. She said No, the dog didnt appear in pain, and he was happy and active at home. He lived still quite awhile longer, and she commented on how he died. She said he couldnt get up one day out of his dog house, so she had to pull it apart to get him out, she brought him in the house onto a blanket, she said she helped him in, and well she said, he died when she turned around. He was inside where he was loved. And just died like that. I was asking her if she ever put any of hers to sleep. She said No, but with that dog she was about ready and thinking but then he passed away on his own.

So I have to make some time, find a vet, and all that, I just dread walking in with him and this thing exposed. I may have to find him a doggie sweater or a scarf to tie around his neck to hide it. Its really gross looking.

Also, for the private comment. Thanks 🙂 The situation with B. Im aware of many things about B. Believe me I have a lot of internal dialogue with myself over the relationship. Personally? This is where its at, Ive made changes for myself of things I will not tolerate. I wrote B a letter not long ago saying I will not handle things as I have in the past. This is why I am not at a place to just end things. I am not in the place, nor is that what I want at this time. I cannot make an assumption for myself on what he is doing right now and what is going on with him or how it will play out. I can go with past actions on his part which is why I see things happening with the job and all that based off his past work history and behavior.

But I need to see how he pulls this all off. He gave me the speech a bit ago about how he has to take care of his basic primal needs first. Food, shelter, job. And how that is where he needs to focus. How this job is important and he cant screw it up. These are his words. So if he does screw it up?

Well I will have a word with him. Not that Ill punish or scold him. But Im going to point out to him what he told me, and yes B needs therapy. I have always known this. Believe me, some things will happen if this all falls apart on his own doing. But I cannot go there or say much unless that happens. I said what I needed to last night to him. Instead of being afraid to speak to him about it and not bringing it up. I brought it up. I questioned him about what he was gonna do. And I told him how I am aware of him sabotaging himself, and Id hate to see him do it again.

B is special to me. And yes he has never really had people in his life who believe in him, but the big thing is, he doesnt believe in himself. Wether or not B and I are a long term thing, if we end at some point. This guy holds a special place in my life. I love him dearly. And I dont mind pouring parts of me into him, when it reaches a place where it is too much for me, not too beneficial, etc that is where I have to decide. For now, This is where I choose to be with him.