Im Going Out with People!

Dear Diary,

Im all nervous. Im actually for once making plans for my weekend. Minus B, it feels weird. But Im doing it.

Talked to B last night, he is working friday and saturday night. Sooo, Im not gonna sit around, then wait for him to get in after midnight at his place. He said we can go out to brunch on Sunday. So I said sounds good 🙂

So I already am working on tomorrow night, have to make some calls but thinking of doing a movie, unless I get word of something else to do. But Saturday, well Im going out with T. Hes the guy I first ever left home to try and get away from ex with. That was about 5 yrs ago. We had a brief thing back then, fooled around a little, but I never slept with him. And he knew I wasnt in love with him. He always said I like what he represented “FREEDOM” and well we have just remained friends. I took the kids over last year to his place and we just hung out and played video games. He keeps inviting us out to the lake on his boat, and hes cool with kids, but things have just never really fallen into place. So we talked this weekend, about the B thing. Hes all “Cmon Victoria, Id be like, 3 strikes and your out buddy!” So he said he is my friend, no pressure, we can hang out, he understands i dont want him in “That” way. And he is all cool with us doing things with the kids and hanging out. I told him I was broke and he said not to worry hed pay, even said he will give me gas to go home. 🙂

So hes double checking on the tickets for the hockey games. Its not totally confirmed, but he said either way, if he cant get them we will go to Universal City Walk, have dinner and go to this club there he goes to often on weekends. He said if game gets out early we will still attempt City Walk also. Told me to dress warm since we will be in an ice rink and City Walk is chilly at night this time of year.

So its a little weird planning things like this. Im kinda nervous yet excited? I told him Id never been to a hockey game before. He said “Its really loud, obnoxious, full of energy, its a blast!” So well, hey its a new experience right?

He said we can go drink, he will drive home, he will stop in time for the drive back, said “Your not driving home like that though” Which IM AWARE OF. So Ill be watching my drinking anyways, I dont really want to stay the night at his place. Its not that I dont trust him, but the guy is a cat lover. Ive been to his place. I get major allergies just sitting on his couch, and I was only there a few hours. Id be sick come morning. So Id prefer to head out late and just head to B’s and wake up with him and go out sunday for brunch as planned. So we shall see how it all goes. I am going to tell B Im gonna hang with T.

Music dude is going to Salt Lake City Utah this weekend. Said he needed to do something different, hes going to Oktoberfest. I was kinda sad to hear, cause I know hes prolly going with a chick, I guess I was just envious. Cause I want to travel and do stuff like that. Im not faulting Music guy for his change with me. He did talk to me the other night, asked me what was up with B. I said “Same ole, Im just trying to start doing new things and go and hang out with people and live life” he said that was great. Then said to me “Should I smoke pot?” Im like huh? He was up front with me early on that he occassionaly does. The guy doesnt drink at all. Not for years and has worked in chemical dependency. But a few times lately when we talk hes mentioning pot. So he said Should I? Im like “Well thats not really up to me, Id say NO” He said that lately hes getting it shoved at him from everywhere at the club, said a guy walked in and wanted to give him some then said “Ive got some girls for you to go along with it” I told him “You know the drill, youve been in addictions, you know it starts subtle, you be the judge” he then had to go back into the club. He is a good guy, hope he uses his head. So Im just leaving him alone. I dont iniate convos anymore which I havent all week. He still chit chats at me. I just wish we could hang out, but I understand. Hes just like me in the fact that we both get insecure, dont like to be alone, like validation from the opposite sex, we are both in therapy and both trying to get comfortable in our own skins. So its cool. I guess the infatuation has died down eh?

Spy dude and I talked some last night also. Wish I could see him, he said his time is limited. I think perhaps he just chooses not too. I asked him about retiring. He said in about 6 yrs he will be able to. I asked him Then what? He said its really hard to even go there in his head, He said with a war looming, he really cant see past that. Hes lived a life of being alone and not having ties to people. And the last time we saw one another I cried when he left. I was sad to see him go. I wasnt mad at him nor did I make a big scene. I just hugged him goodbye. So he said that day “I cant deal with this” and I know its hard for him to even get close to people. He dated one woman years ago. Attempted the long distance thing, and it all just fell apart and thats the only woman I know he ever attempted ANYTHING With in a relationship sense. It tore his heart out. He said it messes with his work, because then he just wants to leave, has a woman on his mind, and it just is tough on him. So I understand, man that takes some real Will power though!

My ex wrote me back today. A long letter actually. Basically telling me how he wants things to be. Visitation stuff once again. Umm Hello its in writing in the courts already? My Mom said hes just trying to gain some type of control and dictate again. So Im going to ignore it. He also said something which was kinda stupid, he said ” I know you think that I have done a lot of side work for 2001, but I didnt and the only one I did do was for your employer and they didnt issue me a 1099. I havent done my taxes as of yet because I have a problem with the way you filed”

Umm duh? I never once accused him or said anything of side work ever. Which Im sure he has done, but Im not gonna go into a headache of trying to prove that. So guilty man just made it evident by saying that when I never even mentioned it? Also my employer didnt have to issue him a 1099, its his responsiblity to put that down on his tax return. And then to hear he didnt do his taxes last year? Oh hes just keeping up with his responsible pace. Oh and he didnt do so cause of the way I filed? So ummm so what? That means he doesnt have to? Not sure what that is about or why that matters? I filed separate. I filed head of household because I met all the qualifications and we had lived apart for over a year and I had already file that year. I followed all the guidelines and I met every single one. And I had an accountant do it all for me.

Oh and he did mention where he was at, he also asked if he can phone me, HA! NO? Emails bud. Hes living with the young guy, the troubled one, the one who he beat up years ago, the one who pulled the knife on his mom and got kicked out. The cousin of the chick he was seeing. And the area is on the outskirts, its really crappy out there, its kinda the slums and is known for drugs and such because its so isolated out there. He also said his cell phone doesnt even work there.

He sickens me, I guess most of all for his lack of being a parent, a nice person. Yet he still goes to that church, the one I walked out of that was abusive in and of itself. And he is just taking the kids there and doing his good show of “Im a good guy” When to me all I see is a phoney in a mask. I may not go to church every sunday, but I have come to learn that its not about that, its about the individual. That one can worship anywhere. I used to think it was lame when people werent in church every week. I put pressure on myself to Always be there. I couldnt miss a service! That wouldnt be good. It starts within, and I know God still loves me even if Im not there every Sunday.

I woke up at about 4:30 am last night to a crashing sound. It freaked me out really. I laid there still and listening, then I heard a loud rumble. Then a flash of light! WOW! Thunder and Lighting, and its was LOUD, it was actually scary! I got up and looked out the back door, the lighting was close to the house and just lit up the whole backyard.

Where I live, we dont get much rain at all. Im in a dry climate. And well I think we dont get more then a week or two of rain if you added it all up together here a year. Its really sparse, and its generally sprinkles. We dont get much of a heavy downpour at all. So to wake up to those noises, WOW, it was scary. 🙂 I got back in bed, turned the tv on for a few, wondered if the noise would wake the kids but it didnt, then I just held my teddy bear and went back to sleep.

I have to go by and pick up the circus tickets I wont today. Not sure that Ill get to use them, but Ill at least get them and give them to someone else.

Later!