Dear Diary,

Goodmorning 🙂

Last night before my oldest went to bed he came in and said “Mom, I told my teacher tomorrow is your birthday and she said “Well tell your Mom Happy Birthday for me” he was all smiley and said “I almost forgot to tell you” I hugged him and said thank you. So first thing this AM, Im in the bathroom getting ready. Normally having to wake my kids up several times for school and them wandering around a little zombie like at first. Im greeted by my oldest who loudly says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!” and he scooted over to me quickly and gave me a big hug. :::Sniff:::: Aweee I told him that was a great start to my day.

I took my self shopping yesterday after my hair appointment. I was pretty watchful since I dont have much to spend anyways, but found a few items at Ross, got these cute shoes! And a pair or Levis, then went to another little trendy shop and got these cute black pants with a chunky belt. So Im wearing them today. Kinda gift to myself, feels nice.

I also splurged on lipstick. HAHA. I bought 4 different colors. I hate buying lipstick. I buy it, get it home, dont like it. And then I found a color I loved and now its dicontinued! But I bought 2 the last time I did buy any, so they have lasted me awhile but now are almost gone. Then I tell myself to try new things dont get locked into the same old makeup routine. Im pretty basic with makeup. I use the same blush( have forever ) I dont really wear black mascara, it seems to bug my eyes, and it always seems to run even when I try ones that say they dont? Hmm what am I doing wrong, hate having black under my eyes. And I dont really wear eye shadow, just eyeliner. But I really would love to get some lessons on eye makeup. Never had anyone to show me and whenever I experiment I feel I just look goofy. Id love to see my eyes all dramatic and smokey and all that but just cant apply it right. Help!

So I got my hair done, its straight today, it reaches the back of my bra area where it hooks. My hair has gotten really healthy since I stopped blowdrying it and I havent colored it with permanent color since last October. And Im also using this great shampoo that is totally good to my hair. So my stylist keeps commenting on how great my hair looks and how soft it feels.

I didnt talk to Music dude much yesterday nor before bed. We started getting into a little ritual with that. So it felt weird. And I didnt see him online then I was gone. So I called and said Hello around 6 when I was getting the kids. Hes all “Hey? Did you think about me today? Cause I sure didnt think of you” lol He has very dry humor so he says things in this total serious manner.

We just talked, he was at work. Then I had to head out and he said hed call later that night. I ended up coming home to a paper from my attny. Well just a copy of what he sent to my Ex’s. OOOOOHHH. It had a lot of big words but basically it was kinda like a threatening letter telling them since they havent responded to what they were supposed to do they can be in contempt and they will that all fees be paid from them for me, blah blah blah, and that they have 15 days to respond and no further extensions. I read it to B last night and hes all OH YEAH! Thats a total getting on them letter, its great!

Its just nice to see your attny working for you. 🙂

I wrote ex once again about not leaving me a support check yesterday. And told him that our youngests appt is thursday so what do I do?

He hasnt responded. And he called for the kids last night at 15 after his scheduled time stated in the paperwork. Ugh, here we go again. The guy seriously just follows NOTHING as its stated. I said to B last night “Ok so hes not paying, hes messing with visitation, hes calling at times not stated in the papers, now he has failed to fill out the forms and paperwork from my attnys office on his expenses, work, income, etc and they are going to go after for contempt if he doesnt fix that, he hasnt paid the medical, on and on, Can you imagine if we go to court and he has to face ALL OF THIS? How bad it will look?” B said “Remember, give a man a rope and he will hang himself”

B will officially have his phone line hooked up today. Wow how weird! Its been awhile since he had his OWN phone.

He is going to meet me at my house after work, spend my bday with me. 🙂

Music Dude called last night. We talked for about an hour. He commented on how the chick hes dated somewhat has the same birthday as me and how weird that was. I said “Are you going to do something for her?” Hes all “NO, Im working and she is going to some dinner at her brothers restaraunt, and her brother doesnt like me because Im a club owner, older, and I have a kid” Hes 37 and shes 23. He is very open with me and just admits shes fun to be around, but they both really arent looking for serious with eachother and its just casual. And hes all “I cant talk to her, shes young, she thinks she knows it all, I like that you and I can talk”

Called my middle sister last night. We had a gooood talk! She is in her therapy and learning a lot also, So we talked about what she is learning and about our parents and what things we are undoing personally. We talked about how we often WHY WHY WHY everything. How we want to understand things, figure them out, analyze them and how we can just let things “BE” I know a few of you who read me have said this to me so believe me Im aware. Its just really hard to change old patterns, its happening but it takes time and effort to undo them. So she is going to send me some book, she read me a piece out of it, Something about “For once just stop asking the WHYS?” So how did I apply it? Well I referred to Music Dude, how Im drawn to him and I have been asking WHy and even did in counseling. Thinking IM BAD, WRONG, for being attracted, Saying to myself “What is wrong with you?” Why cant I just be totally all happy with B? and all that, so sis said “For once stop asking why and see what is causing the WHYS, you are avoiding the HURT.” So basically it just clicked when she said that. I was all “Hmm why am I drawn elsewhere?” BECAUSE I HURT!

ANd that is really it, its how I felt the past 2 weeks. I was very sad, hurt and lonely with B. I didnt felt I mattered, my needs were being met. I didnt feel valued. And instead of listening to my hurt and doing something about it( such as go straight to B or tell B Im not happy in this or having a talk. I beat myself up for my thoughts and tried to figure out “What is wrong with me” and sort of avoid the issue of HURT.

Then she read something that said “For once listen to your instincts, believe that you are trustworthy” OOOOOO, that was a hard one. I always question myself, Am I doing the right thing? And I analyze, read, get opinions. And really dont just listen to what my gutt is telling me. And I think that partially scares me, its the denial part. That doesnt want to admit to myself things. Ive known there are things since early on with B I havent been cool with. And Ive partly been in denial over them.

I have a hard time thinking long term with B, I get a little tight feeling or cringing thought when he mentions us “Growing old together” or comments about marriage. My counselor said “Doesnt that tell you something?” yet then I turn around and say “Well Im not in a rush to marry either, so I guess I excuse it that way, or some far off notion B will CHANGE”

I do care and love B. And my fear has been if Im not his “Girlfriend” I will loose the friendship. My counselor replied “Well if he is as wonderful as you say he is, then that wont happen, and if he does just right you off for needing to take care of yourself, then maybe he wasnt what you thought”

Hmmm which is true. If we have such a strong friendship bond like claims, that I dont see it dying. Yet also people do need time to pull away, feel the hurt of loss and all that.

Im not saying Im making any decisions for B and I, I just have a lot floating through my head. And all my readers are aware of my love for him but also my doubts for our relationship.

Im finding I put a stop to his sick jokes. Or smartass comments more. I just tell him thats not funny or come right back at him with “Im serious about this” and dont let it slide.

And I never thought Id admit this or feel this way. I thought it was more a man thing, but the sex with B is WONDERFUL. Very satisfying. 🙂

So thats enough for now, whew Im tired! C thanks for the Squirrel message! It was adorable. I liked the rock and roll squirrels the best! And MP thank u for the card also.

I love you all and thank you for walking thru my life and struggles with me.

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