Dont take it Personal?

Dear Diary,

Well Im in a cruddy mood tonite. 🙁

I pulled out my book because I so want to be able to embrace these principles. In the Four Agreements.

I had to re read the chapter “DONT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY” I still have a hard time grasping it all, I guess Im saying Making this belief real for myself. I read it and it sounds great, but to be able to believe it within myself is the hard part.

I am having thoughts today. What is it I want, what kinda of a life do I want. And how do I achieve it?

I hate sitting home at night, I think for one thing I crave night life. This goes way back to my ex. I crave being out and about, social, around people, busy in the eves. But how does a mother of two even have that type of lifestyle? Im not one of those single moms with dad taking the kids every other weekend. Its more like once every 2 mos for not even a full weekend.

I also dont have the income and a sitter to use for weekends. Which is something I really need to find. So I can have a regular person to call and set forth dates and regular times for myself to do things for ME and that I enjoy that are outside of work.

This was a big part of the appeal with Mr C, he lived that lifestyle, and I craved it, and I wanted to be in that world and he was willing to show it to me.

Ok so what made me upset tonite? Well I was sitting here tonite, B is working, last night B was working on his Jeep, tomm nite hes working, mon hes working on the Jeep. So once again a weekend passes, Sure I had him here to cuddle with last night. But I want so much more. Then I say “Be understanding, he has to get his Jeep done” why is it I always do that? I think of other peoples needs before my own? Put off what I want to wait for them? But then again we all need to cut one another slack in life too and be understanding cause there maybe times when I am unavailable?

But once again Im trying to live the life I WANT.

I did try and call Mr C this eve, first try it was a noisy party background and someone just pushing the keys as if dialing a number. Then it shut off, so I tried again and a man, then a young child answered, both speaking. I asked for Mr C and I heard the man say go and give it to him, then it sounded like the old girlfriends voice talking loud and laughing the girl I met at the movies. And then the phone shut off. I said thats it. He has also left his screen name on the entire time since he and I last spoke but no words to me. So he told me to be up front, say how I was, speak to him. And now hes just shut me off completely.

Which if thats what he wants fine, but say it to me dont play games about it, so yes it does hurt, and here I am reading this chapter on DONT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. ::Sigh::

Here is briefly what it says….

“You take things personally because you agree with whatever was said. As soon as you agree you let that poison of their words go through you. What causes you to be trapped is what we call “personal importance”. Personal importance or taking things personall is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make an assumption that everything is about “me”. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, their own mind, they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally we make assumptions that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

When you take things personally, then you feel offended, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs and create conflicts. You make something big out of something so little, because you have the need to be right and make everyone else wrong. You also try hard to be right by giving your own opinions.”

“Whatver you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself and not with me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they say about me is really about me, but it is about them.

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesnt walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering. Walking away may hurt for awhile but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want.”

Thats portions of the chapter, the whole thing is excellent. But now its making it real for myself….