Divorce Emotions

Dear Diary,

Well I cant sleep again. My mind wont shut off about my ex and that woman again. I keep thinking about how pretty she is, how much better looking than me she is. About them together, about them as a couple. Why? Im not sure.

I dont wish ill will on either of them. I did a lot of thinking and thought “Well at least if she is to be in his life and a woman that would be around my kids I could possibly like her as a choice” I know this woman and have always liked her” Then the other part of me thinks lowly of her for even being able to be with my ex. The part of me that hurts that I went to her arms to hug her and talk about divorce issues as to female friends, when that very night she was with my ex. Yet years ago I went to her home and held a party for her, my ex tagged along for that party. I remember how she kept yelling at and was frustrated at her daughter.

Its weird how my mind thinks back in time, to every little moment of this woman.Why? I guess maybe I want to search if there was something deeper there all this time? That maybe there was some hidden affair I was unaware of? Or maybe it was just an innocent attraction they always had for one another but nothing every was said of it. I even recall a few years ago having a talk with my ex(Yes this was a weird talk) About people we found attractive at church, And my ex named this woman and her aunt.

I was laying in bed tonight, feeling tired so I thought, and my mind drifted off to these two again. I laid there, tried to watch tv, tried to distract my mind. It was of no use and I finally had to cry out loud some more. Do all people going thru divorce feel this way when there ex has a partner? Even if I wanted out of the marriage? I feel like something is wrong with me, that people will tell me to knock it off, that Im strange, and then others will say I must still truly love my ex and want him back or whatever reasoning they have for my thoughts.

Then I just want to be with boyfriend. I dont want to sleep alone. I wish he were here so I can just be with him and forget it all. But then am I just wanting boyfriend as a distraction? It feels that way at the moment. Yes I do love boyfriend. But I feel like Im running away from facing these feelings trying to be with him, because when Im with him I can forget for awhile, but when we are apart, I remember my ex again.

I have had more time with boyfriend and it has been a wonderful thing, we are having new experiences together. The reality of my life as a mother is coming into play and he is seeing this side of me.

Yet today as I dropped him off I dreaded going home alone, being alone with my thoughts again. I wanted to hold onto boyfriend and have him hold and comfort me to sleep.

I dont want to view boyfriend as FIX, but I feel bad that I am so afraid right now or dread being alone with my feelings, and I want him to escape them.

Today I thought about my ex’s boss and the last time I was there with him for New Years. I met his boss and his family and some coworkers. All such wonderful people, Warm, christian man. He talked to me as I sat on the barstool in his kitchen. We played board games at the table and I had so much fun. I remember the snack dish as I pulled the chocolate covered peanuts out of it. I remember his countertops, I remember his house was beautiful. I remember hugging he and his wife goodbye as I left that night and telling them thank you for having me. I fell in love with them. Why is it I cling to these memories and they hurt? WHY?

Its like i miss the life that could have been, the trappings, but at the same time, the man I was with, I wanted to get away from. I was unhappy with. Its like when my ex is quiet and not starting much trouble, I start to think of him more fondly. Maybe its because he is quiet, the drama is gone, and I forget the bad. I know the bad is there, I have to tell it to myself.

At times I just want to write my ex and tell him how I will always love him and still do love him. I wont do this, but at times I just think about “What if?” I did it.

I feel like people think what Im saying is I want to be back with him, my ex. I dont. I am just trying to say that I do still love him. I do miss parts of him and I wish things hadnt turned out this way. But they did.

Im so sad they did. Its not how I want it to go. I would love more then anything to have my original family intact, but not at the expense of myself and my children and my mental, emotional, and spiritual well being.

I know my ex loves me. I just wish he would have sought help. But he didnt :(. I tried again tonight to look for a beach getaway place for boyfriend and I to go too. I got frustrated looking at one point and thought how my ex would jump on any kind of getaway, but how when I was with my ex I didnt try to find things like this to do. I think about laying on the couch with my ex as our children run around playing.

God Im bawling my eyes out writing this.

But then I think back to the hotel rooms with ex, the last year, the last times we had sex. How I felt dirty, thats the one thing I felt. Strange? I felt like I was selling myself, that I was trying to sleep with him in hopes of it bringing us close together, that it might make the bond return between us to keep us together, but it didnt work.

I stared at pics of my ex the other night, ones when he was here last year, and I looked at his face, how he has changed, he doesnt look like the man I was with before, he looks different, its not a good different. I could never make out what it was but whenver I saw pics of him after our split. He did not look like the same man in them.

Yes I want to hold my ex. I want to hug him so badly.

I laid today at the beach on the sand with boyfriend as the kids went to the playground across the way, where they couldnt see boyfriend and I well at a distance. I laid my head on his stomach, he was calm and mellow as he usually is. We laid beside eachother, said I loves, silly comments, gave kisses. All the things I ever wanted with my ex, but could not seem to find.

All the affection between boyfriend feels so genuine so warm, so real. I did love my ex, but these things didnt feel the same. I didnt feel connected. I felt when I expressed them he was in a different place, that he didnt realize how special it was, how he couldnt even lay down and be patient enough to hold his wife on a blanket on the beach, instead he was off in the water, or trying to throw me in the water, when all I wanted is to be pressed against his chest, told how much I was loved, and treated softly.

So boyfriend does these things. He kisses the back of my hand and it feels so tender.

He accepts me for who I am and doesnt judge me.

He makes love to me in such a respectful way. He loves to lay and snuggle with me and talk about how wonderful it was afterwards and enjoy the afterglow, and cuddle up beside me.

Its just a strange mix of feelings. Im mourning the loss of my marriage. Im loving the man Im with, yet Im so torn over feelings inside of me that feel unfinished?

Divorce is so painful.

I was reading stats somewhere that women who were in abusive marraiges. Around 75% dont remarry. I had never read that, not sure how accurate it was. I love boyfriend. But I ask myself will I marry? I dont know, but for now I want him around more, yet I want his separate from me. I dont want to be hurt like I was again. I like knowing this space is MINE, and I can retreat here away from any other adult. In this place I will not be controlled again, I will not be told what to do, and I feel safe knowing that.

Have others felt what i have felt?