What needs to Happen?

Dear Diary,

In response to a comment that says…

“you started with B right when you and ex were breaking up. i think you definately love him but as an outsider looking in, there are so many patterns and red flags that you acknowledge often, then go back and make excuses for.

Do you think part of the reason you dont want to let him go is because you feel the obligation and guilt because you and him started right when you were still married to your ex?”

I have actually been talking about that type of stuff. I discussed some of it with B last night. GUILT.

I also talked about feeling a sense of LOYALTY.

I talked to Gym guy last night, he even said to me “Vicky, you have a lot with B, not only do you have 3 yrs, but he also was there when you left your marriage, he rode through all of that emotional time, you have a lot time and emotional investment with him”

And when I spoke to B I told him I feel a strong sense of Loyalty to him. Which I do not neccessarily think is all bad. Nor does he. When you have been at many of your really worst moments in life and you had someone there alongside as a support when you felt like Hell, well that means a lot. To me it also says a lot about the person.

I also can talk to B, I can talk to B about a lot of ugly crap about myself, ourselves, we can be open about it, and he remarkably is very understanding and open minded. Shooting down my thoughts where I feel guilt and beat myself up and saying “Ohhh Vicky stop making yourself such a terrible person as if you are the only person in the world who thinks such things”

Last night he was just at me to answer what it was about the thing with Gym Guy that Im struggling with, what is creeping up about him, what is the draw. He was telling me to quit tap dancing around answering things and sugar coating it.
Im afraid to speak and say stuff. Because of my past.

I yelled out crying and loud “MAYBE BECAUSE I FELT A SENSE OF FAMILY!” in tears lastnight and just blurted it out at B. I said “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?”

B calmly said “Vicky, yes, thats REAL, you sugar coat everything, Family is very important.”

And he doesnt get all pissed off at me. He tells me hes glad I said that. That I got it out. I was all worked up and afraid. He was calm and told me it was okay and then told me he loved me.

I also try to ask myself why Im so drawn to gym Guy.

Hes here? He can be here? He can be here for dinner each night, hes thoughtful, but a lot of it is this,..

The way he talks to me, he calls me beautiful. He just glances at me and tells me how beautiful I am in this tone that just melts me. He tells me how wonderful I am, yes he does A LOT of complimenting.

He talks about the twinkle in my eyes, the way my nose crinkles( B loves my nose crinkle too )

He knows where a mole is on the back of my hand or a freckle next to my eye and will walk up to me at the gym and look close and say “Yep, still there” And Ill say “Huh?” And he replies “Oh, that freckle I love so much, its still there”

He talks about my complexion, tells me how intoxicating it is, he has this nice painting of a nude woman, its not dirty, its signed by some artist and we cant figure it out but he said she looks like me, we have sat there and talked about it, her complexion, the size of her breasts, her hoop earrings, the little tummy she has.

He then tells me I know more about him then most of his family. He talks about how he hasnt let anyone in for so long. How he didnt want to, but Im different.

He tells me how he loves that Im not materialistic, he looked at my hand and said “I know you could wear more jewelry then you do, I bet you have more, but you arent flashy” How we both like to have nice clothes and things, but we arent out for the best or designer or all that crap. He said how I love to eat his food. Haha, he thought what he eats is weird,, I have no problem. Im happy whenever he cooks for me.

He said “You and I have similar interests, we both love to thrift shop, yard sale, swap meet”

I talked about how comfortable he appears at my house, how my kids just rush up into his arms.

How the kids wanted him over for dinner for themselves even after I said he wouldnt be over.

But then Its so difficult to have sex with the man, he can be a bit crude at times, hes the kind to see a woman on tv and make a cat call sound out loud.

Hes loud, he said at the movies the other day “Im sorry, I really need to stop watching wrestling dont I?” as he will sit there and go YEAHHHH! at trailers and GRRRRRRRRRRR and make all these guy grunting sounds and noises as if hes at home watching Football.

Hes a little goofy like that.

My friend told me to make a list.

I havent yet..

But what are B’s good points?

Hard working, Loyal, Open Minded, Affectionate, Good Lover, Non Jealous or Controlling, smart, intelligent, intellectual, strong

The areas that need improvement?

Interaction with children, softness, keeping his mouth shut sometimes and not going on some lecture.

But then the areas I just listed, hes so open to improvement and my suggestions, my sister had told me that is a good thing, hes willing to work on them and take my suggestions.

So what is it that is lacking with B?

Seriously? When I feel drawn out what is it?

Excitement would be part of it, just having some fun, going out but having him iniate it, not me.

Lack of availability. Him being an hour away, That is a big one, our distance, our jobs. I like having someone close by.

I let go of B when I broke up. I was doing okay. I really was.

Now why is it difficult again? Because he has changed and he is wonderful now, hes shown me so many changes. I feel how can I not give him a chance you know?

I literally have sat there in my head and played out if I just end it with B. No more calls, I call him so much and run to him to talk, hes been the one I do that with. Even when I dated Gym Guy, I could not talk to him like that, he isnt emotionally at a place like that to talk like B and I do.

And I could loose a very special dear part of my life that I value sooo much…

So what needs to happen to make B and I work? Seriously?