Day with Him

Dear Diary,

Just got in, kept the sitter, ended up going out midday to see B. So was there from 2-9. Mr Comedy has been calling me, he has started to call me each night. I have to say its nice to hear my phone ring, since it rarely does from B. Mr Comedy and I had a big talk last night and almost planned to go to Disneyland again, but all in the end it was a no go. Just too many things and feelings and situations going on that need to be figured out and not more thrown into the pile. Plus it was late, we were both feeling spunky and I told him it was time to cool it. The tone of our convo was shifting towards more personal and intimate topics.

I told him I needed to talk to B.

I talked to B late last night. I started the convo. I really am tired to type this all out, I wish I could just think my words onto the screen.

So I put a lot of thoughts out there, and we didnt come to any resolution cause it was almost 3am and we were tired and he had to get to work at 9am. Not a good time to try and have a serious convo.

So Mr Comedy calls me again today. Then I had to leave. I get to Bs house. He wasnt there yet so I went to play on his computer and check my email on the Net. Well I go to click the task bar or whatever you call it where it saves websites one has visited and I see a URL for adultfriendfinder. Im like hmm and click on it. It was the last site visited. It says Sex personals. I get scared and click it away. Now Im feeling curious wondering. So I click into history and on friday it shows him having an account, a profile and having been in the chat area. Or at least those areas clicked on. My heart sinks. I then find a link to his buddies girl interest. I dont like this girl. Never really have, and I know she and B talk, so he had a URL to all her web photos, scantily clad shots of her in 2 just barely exposing her body. His buddy is totally in love with this girl, and I dunno it just bugs me she calls B or talks to him, cause Ive seen how she is online. Shes a “cock tease” is the best way to explain it. But shes ms. young model, and has oodles of photos men oogle over.

So I guess I sat there wondering “What is going on? What are we doing? Here I am talking to some guy, granted Im not looking for sex personals but Im debating dating others, and B is on a sex personals website?

So I just sat there on his bed. He came in about 15 min later. And I just felt all weird, didnt know what to say or how to act. I felt like I was invading his privacy for looking, yet at the same time couldnt just ignore this either. So I was torn inside with what to do, so I was very quiet and he could sense this and was wondering what was wrong. So I just came outright and told him. He said “Yes I did go to that site, friday at work a coworker said I looked like this guy she found on the adults only site, and I told her I wanted to see, if you look at what I did, I was just searching for a profile” I just said ok, I didnt pry any further and I took him at his word. He said “Victoria, if I didnt want to be with you I would tell you, and besides why would I have to go to a site for sex when I have you in my life and great sex with you?” So I let it go at that. But I guess inside I still wonder.

We then got up to go out to eat. We went to the Macaroni Grill. It was nice and my first time going. Pasta, and you get to draw on your table cloth, the leave paper and crayons and the waiter writes his name on it for you. So B and I doodled all thru dinner. Writing cute phrases then I drew a scene from the nite we met and started making a funny cartoon. It was fun and we tore the piece off and took it with us when we left.

We then headed to Target to get some things B needed. It was kinda nice just feeling domestic and average everyday couple with him doing this type of thing. Ive forgot what that was like. After not being with my Ex, I shop just for me. I dont do that with a “partner” anymore. So it was nice. I helped him get underwear, and hangers and just silly things.

We then went back to his place. Oh I forgot to share, he pulled out some boxes and gave me a folder of papers he wrote about 6 yrs ago when he was taking psychology at the college, and he went to take a shower and let me read all his writings. It was very cool. He also has a letter he wrote in 8th grade. His teacher kept it for 4 yrs and mailed it to them when they graduated highschool. They had to say where they would be in life, what they would be doing and things like that. B hasnt changed a lot to be honest. His papers and letter revolved around his Anger, his feeling worthless. That he is a bad person.

So we talked a bit on these things, he said I say things that he doesnt like, but its good, that I force him to think about some things he doesnt want to face, and that is a good thing. It felt soo good in his place, the Air conditioning, where I live I have a swamp cooler and its been around 100 lately and its just so hot and so I was just in heaven his room was so cold and I just threw myself on the bed. I was like a happy kitten wiggling around and happy and relaxing with several hours till I had to go home.

B began to rub my back, show me affection, start to turn me on. Generally hes passive, Im the assertive one in this area. Im trying to back off on a lot. He needs to play the part also at times. So he did tonight. He has always been a good lover. Hes very attentive, gentle, he loves to snuggle, he tells me wonderful things while making love, such as how beautiful I am, how he loves looking at me, complementing my body, telling me how lucky he is. And yes that makes the experience even better when someone says such thoughtful words.

But B has been improving greatly with pleasuring me. Its different when you are in a marriage and with someoen for so long they know how your body works and how to read your cues, a few months ago I just started telling B how to touch me, guiding him, I felt funny at first, but he wants to know, and I was reading some magazine article on guys and sex and how they want to know how to please us and they dont mind us showing them, they are all for learning what we like, it makes them feel good to know we are happy. So I have started, and well B is catching on and surpassing it. I must say, he is a good lover, and just keeps getting better. I have been a person who can orgasm more than once during a session. B loves that. I can several times, but B enjoys this and says he gets great pleasure from watching me, so I get totally spoiled by him, tonight he did so many wonderful things to me. I was literally in tears, not in a bad way, just so overwhelmed with pleasure and emotion. We then passed out and slept briefly.

I did talk to him about me going away and him coming to see me there. He has to work every day of my vacation, but since Im heading down wed night he may just drive down also and stay the night and head back home on the 4th around noon, he has to be at work at 4. And we have no idea what traffic will be like, he nor I are familiar with the Valley and traffic.

So that may be the only day he can come see me there, but Ill take it. 🙂 We stood outside as he held me and hugged me, I got in my Jeep and he leaned in the window and kissed me.

Its so tough, I love this guy to pieces, yet inside I wonder where we are going. But I love him. :::Sigh:::

Mr Comedy called me on my way home. Asked how my visit with B went. If I was ok. I said yes. He said “Do you have a smile on your face?” I said yes. He said “Well you dont have to say anymore thats all that counts” and he said he had to go. I dont know how to read this guy. I feel like hes just done with me when I say things, since our convos sorta end on a distancing note, then a few hours later hes messaging me online or calling me up.

He just told me hes gonna spend the 4th in the Valley in the same town where I will be, with a friend of his and her son, and maybe we can all meet up. Im like great that would be cool! Its confusing, Im cool with hanging out with him, he tells me hes tired of being every females “Friend” that hes tired of the platonic thing and his heart has been so hurt and bruised by this. And he doesnt want to enter into another one of those. Yet im not in a place to go further then friends. So Ive told him, he distances, then he comes back to me?

B said to me last night, that he thinks my kids dont like him and hes really uncomfortable around them and hes been hidden so long, that it just feels weird. I dont know what else to say. My kids do like him. So? Thats his own feelings. And I said “B, if this is a prob, Im sorry but my kids are part of me, they are part of the package” so its those little things that he and I need to discuss more in depth. I told him if hes not up for this then we need to clear that up so we know where we stand. But today we didnt even discuss that again.

Soooooo