Too Much on My Plate

Dear Diary,

Morning.

FloatsonClouds, thanks for the comment, it actually was good, it sorta put somethings together I could not put together into words myself.

Wether it is true or not that it is manipulation that is occurring with Ex BF and not genuine, I cannot say the final verdict on that one. All I can base that is on time and if I really feel and take a leap of faith.

I do have to say…. I am dealing with WAY too much. This is NOT a good thing. But I also call up Ex BF and email a lot and share a lot also and ask him things, so of course he and I have so many talks and share so much.

I guess its just this feeling. It comes up at times, and I cant totally explain it, I just know I need to listen to it for the time being wether I can explain it or not.

Its like Im starting to perhaps listen to Instincts? Trust them? Im not sure since I feel Ive always sucked at that.

Like the other night when Gym Dude was over. I knew I wanted him to not stay over, I wanted him to go home, it was awkard to press it for me, but I did.

All I thought of if he stayed over was….

1. I wont get enough sleep. It was 1am already, he was hungry and wanted to eat, hed be off eating my food again, he wakes up early also.

2. He gets aroused when hes asleep and wakes up in the night, I didnt want to be woken up to be asked to “Oblige” him either.

So thats is why I sent him home. And I felt better having done so. Its really hard, the whole month I dated him, my sleep pattern was horrible. Hes really hard to get a good rest with. Hes up and down a lot, and he wakes up early, and well, wow, flashback to my ADHD ex. He was the same way, it was truly difficult to sleep in when I was married to him. He was just up and ready to meet the day, which is fine, but I would be happy if hed just get up, not wake me, shut the bedroom door and allow me some peace to sleep in. But Nope, hed start getting frisky, annoy me, wake me up, or else hed be off making a lot of noise in the house so that I couldnt sleep in. Im a quiet person. I dont wake up and have music blaring through my house, i really like a peaceful tone about my space.

I can remember my ex loading his work truck around 5am, with the stereo blaring outside in the dark. Id always complain how inconsiderate that way as hed sit there with the doors open and I knew the neighbors could hear also. I used to be so horribly grumpy in the AM and yelling QUIET, or something. bleh…

Anyways, I was feeling crappy all day yesterday, Ex BF and I were writing emails all day back and forth. He had an interview for a new position so was nervous about all of it. He felt bad afterwards like he choked, was under qualified, just taking it personal and all. I was proud of him for taking the leap, and even if he didnt get it, he was no worse off, he just put himself out there. Well the final verdict isnt back yet, but he didnt have enough experience in 2 other areas, even though 2 others are pulling for him but they dont have the final say. They know he could pick it up but would have to train him some,,, so they may want someone who can just walk in and get to work. But now he also knows what areas he needs to gain more experience in. But he did feel a sense of self defeat. He and I just were feeling crappy.

Neither of us wanted to go to the gym. So we agreed to hang out, hed drive out, said hed order a pizza for kids and I.

I came home from work and just sat at home.

I made some calls, I called my girlfriend K in San Diego. I have a few girlfriends, longer term friends, none live local, but these are people who know me well, and all my christian gal pals.

K is the one who just had the holiday tea party I went too.

And I told myself it was time to put down the wall Ive put up. I dont tell my christian gal pals whats really going on in my life for fear of judgement or preaching. And so they dont know much about my personal life since I keep it pretty quiet. I need to just be me you know? And I have to let go of my old legalistic church way of life and see not everyone is that way that is a christian. So I told K about whats been going on.

Her response….

She gets a bad vibe from the Gym Guy deal, told me to get out of the thing with him ASAP, that the longer I invest time in him the harder it will be, and he may not be an easy one to shake. She told me about her past before marriage that she had some guys who didnt leave her alone and it can get scary and she had some concerns about this guy. As we spoke shes all “Vicky, he reminds me of your ex husband”

The ADHD, the immaturity, the mental levels we are both at are drastically different, the jealous and insecure nature of his, shes all “You cant fix him”

And I said “Yes, I know that if I were to try even to make this thing work with him it would be like starting over completely with a guy that is 10 times worse then how Ex BF was when we first started dating”

And that is the truth.

Just because Gym Guy is fun around the kids or makes me food, helpful around the homefront or calls me pet names or is physically attractive isnt enough. And I sat there and realized once again that those were the very things that were GOOD between the Ex Husband and I!

The big lacking factor in my marriage was I didnt have a person to talk to, who accepted me, who listened to me, who I could converse with intellectually/emotionally and feel okay with. We couldnt get on the same page. I didnt feel like partners/equal.

And I think of Gyms guys thing, his memory issue he keeps telling me about, how he doesnt remember things.

The one day we talked in the parking lot last week and then went to the thrift store, we were driving and he started going on again about the day Ex BF was over and how I was lying. I tried once again to talk with him, and once again its like hes in this dead set mind deal and we cant talk, we cant just sit and communicate heavy issues. He keeps prying at my mind saying he wants to know whats in it and hear me talk, and well I finally just tossed that out the window. Hes not even able to understand much of what I say. His vocabulary is limited also. Hes not in touch with his emotions either. So the day I went over to my girlfriend D’s house I got an eye opener on that one, as we just sat and talk and she tried to engage gym guy, shes the woman who gets people to talk, and I saw how hard it was to get him to talk, open up, he was sorta like foreign in “FEELINGS” and how we would talk.

She told me later “I didnt like him Vicky, hes not good for you, hes not what you need”

Okay Im getting side tracked here. Ex BF came out last night, I did the homework with the kids, and he said hed rather go eat out at a pizza place. So the kids were done and we headed over. Talk was sorta light, he had the work interview deal on his mind and was sorta feeling crummy over it.

My girlfriend K, well she was kinda shocking me LOL. Shes all telling me to cut off things with Gym guy, stop talking at all about Gym Guy to Ex BF, even though hes like my best friend, keep that stuff out of it. ANd shes all hopeful for us. She thinks we should get married! LOL She said “Tell gym guy you are getting married” thats the best way to get him to back off. haha. Not sure Id do all that, but interesting her thoughts on it all.

We discussed my fears, my fears with Ex BF, and she was just talking to me about how Im relating it to my Ex husband. And yes it is, how my mind is going there. I see that with the way many of us respond to people and situations, we respond out of our own, our own feelings and the way our scenarios went, when each persons scenario can be different, have different elements to it, so you cant always apply all the same things.

So Ex BF and I just watched tv, laid around, I had wanted to talk, but then didnt know really what to say, We got talking about the topic of marriage and he said “Yes I could see myself married to you” and my fears, and the finances, and the hell divorce I just went through and hes all “Vicky, your house is yours, my things I bring into this would be what Id want to take away should something happen, but I dont think it would happen. I see myself with you until we are old and one of us passes on.”

I got super tired, before 10pm and was falling asleep.

I did not kiss him or get all sexual. I was just cuddling, Id give him a peck kiss or stuff like that, but its how Ive been as of late, and he tells me that is okay.

Well I woke up at 2am, he was getting water, I had to pee, and he seemed strange, i asked him if he was okay. He said “Eh” and then he went on to tell me that he wonders where Im at at times, he feels discouraged, he knows what he wants…” and I just got upset, I pulled away, just had to breathe, I couldnt stand it, it was just this feeling of pressure I felt again, and I got upset and told him, told him Im dealing with enough crap of my own right now, just stopppp, I cant handle this, I feel pressured” He was very apologetic, told me hed be quiet, that he was just sharing, and that the whole work deal and feeling defeated there just make him feel like crap all across the board. Doubting himself.

He stopped, we snuggled up and went back to sleep.

So this is where Im saying FloatsonClouds I agree in some regards to your statements of just too much on me when Im in this state.

BUt I do feel I invite a lot of it and encourage it also.

This AM, he left early for work, and I went back to sleep.

And I just feel weird today, I was feeling like I need to just call a time out. Time out with the guys. For how long? can I hold to it?

Like thinking of telling Ex BF I cant see him for a month in person. And tell Gym guy the same?

I dont know, my head is just to muddied, I feel uncomfortable with the gym even. And its not so much seeing him. I can handle him being around, its the way he is, its like I need space, I dont need to have guys constantly trying to worm there way into having time with me. I just want to be left alone in some regards, stop pursuing me, let me figure out what it is I want!

My cell phone has rang this AM, a message from Gym Guy saying “Hi angel, just thinking of you, hope you have a good day” and then Im gathering the blocked ID was Ex BF at work since he and my Mom are the only blocked ID calls.

Ex bf did write me an email today….

Good AM. The drive in was actually not so bad. Traffic was there but it flowed at a nice pace.. 55 the whole way. Not bad.I was home just before 6.Hopped a quick shower and came in a lil early. =0) Still dont feel like I have a great jump on the day.

My feeling of being defeated and failing are kinda fading this AM. I have a second source who says the unofficial word is it went to a Sr who applied.I cannot compete with that. A Sr has like 5+ years underwriting soo….I am outclassed a little. Just have to nod, smile, take my notes and figure out how and where to go from here. No crying and Oh poor me Im a failure.I did not succeed in my initial goal, but I also have gained an appreciation of the breadth of what I was trying to accomplish as well.Tried to leap the grand canyon, lucky I had my bungee cord so I can climb back up( note to self, not burning bridges is a good idea ) , sketch me a medievil plan and prepare to build me a catapult or perhaps a ballista, or even a trebuchent =0).

I had a good time last night.It was nice to watch ya do homework with the kids and then have Pizza. MMMM Pizzza.It was nice to watch TV and just realax. Im sorry if it was a bit uncomfortable at some point. I was tired as well so sleeping was good. I just remember waking up and talking and going back to bed. Im sorry if there was some kind of tension. I do not intend for you to focus on me.I know we just are stating things.I like to hear what you have to say. I just have to not take it personally. Last night was just bad, I was just in a place where after the interview I was taking alot personally. Just was susceptable, easy to re open the door to despair, it still lingers, waiting for its chance.. It happens.I appologize for putting that on you, but that was not my intent.I know you are trying to find you, and your way. I want you to do that. I would like to help if I can, but I know you will ask if you need.You dont need my help to do this. Perhaps cannot do this with my helping. this is a personal journey.You will do just fine regardless of the outcome. I know this.

I managed to convince someone to show me how to run the slice n dice and they can do it right now. So i am going to cut this short and go learn it. =0) See another door is opening up already. A new cog in the trebuchent .



I love you Vicky

Hope you are havin a better day

Write more later