I just wanna Grow together

Dear Diary,

Well was online eariler today with B and asked him about a project at work he said he help with but then got cut off so didnt get his response. Then when I came back he was gone and no email all day.

Drove boss wifey around, then came back to work a bit. Im going to be taking her to Dr tomm. She had another stroke, so she isnt driving right now. Then we will go to lunch and I will take her home, drive back to town, get kids, then drop them off with Mom to see their Dad, WHEW! Tomm Ill be all over the place.

I called B on my way home. He said he sent me messages online but I never responded. Like he was kinda pissed about it, I hate it when people get like that over online communicating. Im at work, I cant be ready available all the time.

His tone is kinda down again, he said he didnt feel good, so when I got home I said id switch to my regular phone and he said he didnt feel like talking. So yeah I get a little bummed when I hear that. Its just the talking is dwindling and B said today “I dont have much to tell, my life is thrilling isnt it?”

Hes moping. And well, its like buddy you could have a job tomorrow if you got your ass out and really looked or took whatever you can get. At least youd have something to occupy your mind and have some cash.

Dont get me wrong, I do care for B. Just gets old watching a person be down and not pulling themself out, while you yourself have had to face the same challanges and are willing to help the person out, but the partner wants to retreat and deal in their own stuff minus your input or involvement. Which is fine, but I guess its like “Why bother having a girlfriend” He also said he read some article about “healthy relationships” and stating that people should have their own time to do their own things. I agree totally. I dont think I ask a lot of B, I dont think I get what Id really like in a relationship personally. And so its like My God we live indepently and dont see each other all week. Vegas was great, but now hes back to his old self. I started thinking “What does B iniate for us? What does he do to keep the relationship going and alive and stimulating” Its like I want him to step up to the plate. I dont want to plan outings all the time. I want him to be creative and take me out, invite me somewhere.

My boss commented on how she felt it may not even be a totally good place for me to be in a Committed relationship right now. She just said that it might be good for me to be free and just date and get to know several men. Not sleep with and all that, but start to build friendships, see what others are like so that I can develop a strong sense of what it is that I WANT.

:::sigh:::

I just wish B could pull out of his slump is all. I do love the guy and too see him happy smiling, loving the other day before he went home was so refreshing, but now hes back down again. 🙁

And I just live my life I feel through the week like im single. I just dont like the makeup of this relationship at times. I feel so on my own, I would like some more involvement between us. And some searching and doing things to grow together.