Confused in the Middle

Dear Diary,

Im in a irritable mood right now. Im equating it to my period soon to arrive. Which it should. So?

I am feeling a bit lonely tonight. Just having that feeling of wishing I had someone I was “with” and secure with and knew it was going to last and ready to go forward and share life with.

I was reading this book B gave me for Christmas last year “How to Avoid Mr Wrong” Yeah interesting book he gave me huh? He knew he was part of what the book shared in the avoid sections. It was a christian based book and I was kinda wow he bought it for me. So I read the last chapter of finding Mr Right.

As I read it it appeared to me how many of those things in it werent B, but were more like Mr C is. See I met Mr C thru a dating site where I wrote out specifically what kind of man I was looking for. And he responded.

I think it was the first time Ive ever been so specific and put down a lot of things I want like that in a man.

So I sat there and went wow after reading that chapter. I signed online and Mr C came on and said “HI bitch!” I was like……. ???????????

Then he typed “LOL”

It went like this..

Me: Ummmm?

Mr C: I was just joking

Me: And the funny part of that was what?

Mr C: Uh Oh, I crossed a line, Im sorry

Me: I was just reading a book on finding Mr Right and I came online and was greeted with your wonderful hello

We talked briefly, and he said he was joking. It was just very strange for me to be greeted that way, I didnt get it at all and didnt find that funny. Maybe some people joke and talk that way, but Mr C and I are new to talking, I mean what word is comparable to men, as far as calling a woman a bitch, its like hey do I say “Hi dickhead? Hi Bastard?” something like that, and thats just not appropriate. Unless we had some type of joke where we spoke like that. So I didnt get it. So that just rubbed me wrong from that point out. 🙁

Mr C was off to a comedy club to watch his friend perform.

B is at work tonight. Hes still being super attentive. He sends me emails, sent me a cute one today just sticking his tongue out at me. He tells me he loves me.

And I just get all jumbled in my head. It seems I want to react to things that dont feel nice. Like after Mr C said that comment I was like telling myself to stop and not go any further with him. How does one deal with such feelings. Its like why do I go to instant right off thoughts? Maybe I just need to pull back? But he apologized right? And should I be bothered by it still? It just felt strange to me.

Mr C told me today “Your too heady” I was like whats that? He said “You over think things” and I guess I agree with him about that. And I told him I appreciated his reminders when I start picking things apart too much to just relax.

He met up with his old girlfriend last night, he had told her he was dating me now and she said she wanted another shot at them. Which he had suspected shed pull that. Even though they havent been intimate or had anything physical according to him since last year. She has stopped all that with him and wants him around like a boyfriend but FRIENDS, and he said he feels used as a father figure for her son. So he told her no, that he refused to be in a relationship where there was no affectionate or physical between them, that he really cares for her and shes had him wrapped around her finger. He said he stopped about a month or so ago paying for her anymore when they went out to eat or places, he said he was tired of this with her.

He also encourages me to give B a try, give him time to be around just me and the kids and see how he does, not make it overnighters or dates just he and I, but start inviting him to do things, go out, have fun with the kids and I and see if he likes it or will change. He said he knows that B does love me and I still care for him. But he also understands how I feel, that I might just be waiting for something that will not change, and how long will I wait?

I guess the hardest part for me in this whole thing is the physical aspect and my boundaries. I suck at that. WHY? Why do I have such a hard time saying no? Why do I have to be so affectionate and snuggly? Why cant I just hang out without wanting to cling? I love being like that. And its so hard for me not to be. But now there are 2 men in the picture. And well what do I do?

I remind myself not to run back to B. We are still dating, but I need to see change over a period. And this has been a pattern with him. I am thinking of backing out of it and I tell him my concerns, then he makes some changes and is super sweet, then shortly after it goes back to the way it was or he says something hurtful.

And its like I want to invite one of them over, but who? and its BLAH!

This is confusing for me also.