Do I need a Man?

Dear Diary,

Yes I have thought of breaking up with him. What it would be like.

He said something to me after the bookstore incident, he said “Ive thought of us not being together and how that may spare us both some pain, yet at the same time I dont think I can handle not having you in my life either” I think that sums it all up. How I feel to some degree.

Its as if we are support persons right now for one another, Which to me is cool. I guess I wonder if we should be boyfriend/girlfriend? Its not that I even have any other guy in mind. Because really I dont, and when all of boyfriends other girlfriends broke up with him he would say “You want to fuck some other guy, just be honest with me” and I can just hear him giving me that same freakin speech. You know a lot of his masculinity seems to revolved around sex and the way his body looks. He is Narcissistic and admits it often. I dont really care, do what makes you happy. But its like when you get dressed up really hot for a evening together and he and I have maybe been out dressed up NICE on 3 occassions in over a year together, he walks in the door and doesnt say “Wow” or “You look great!” or anything like that. My Ex did used to do that, and some things I do like. I compliment boyfriend and I do find him extremely attractive. Im all for working out and looking great, Im into the same thing, but I also value other things and work on other parts of me also.

Well we shall how things go, Im not ready to make any decisions, just pouring out thoughts. Im just kinda amazed at myself, Im actually considering breaking up, with no man in sight and actually being ALONE. Thats pretty amazing for me. I always had to have a MAN around. Maybe this is a good thing Im learning?