BF letter :)

Dear Diary,

Well just working, but got an email a few min ago from boyfriend.

“G morning. Sorry I didn’t call you back last night. I was so tired I just drifted off to sleep. I just woke up.

>So how was your oldest’s award thingee today?

>Have i told you how grateful I am that I have you? When I listen to other people talk about people they are with its like..man Im lucky as all hell.=0)

>Im going to roll to santamonica with ##### today. He needs it. He seems kinda down so =0/. I will be home later on. muah, Loves ya baby

>hehehehe I just want to give you a big ol hug

>Hope you have a fantastic day baby”

Nice email, :). I love him, Im still unsure about us in the long run, but I tell myself its ok not have that part figured out. Im in no rush to remarry or have him move in or anything like that. I think mainly with my counseling and groups Im learning alot about my worth, about my boundaries, about when Im upset over something, to learn to be proactive, assertive, instead of passive/ emotional or aggressive/angry.

Stating how I feel up front, when things dont feel ok to me or are unacceptable stating that and sticking to my boundaries and being able to tell him that.

I guess the part of me that wonders is, hmmm how do I put it, but I cant make boyfriend seek counseling. I dont even want to, but I also want to discuss with him in some way that for us to work as a couple, we both have to be able to work through our demons and pasts, nevermind what I just said.

Plain and simply put, I want him to get healthy also, but I cant impose my standards on him, but I do know he has a lot of self work to do. And I guess that is the part that leaves me somewhat apprehensive about us. I know he loves me, thats not even a question for me. I just want to see him have some victory over past areas in his life.

Right now I can continue to work on me, be honest with him about where I am, and state my boundaries in things. Im doing pretty good at it I think so far. Its still a learning process.

I discovered I have a pregnancy test in my cupboard from the scare last year with boyfriend. So Im wondering how long I should wait to try it. It says the first day of your missed period. Im just anxious and want to try now, anyone have any idea how soon it can show up in urine, pregnany store test that is.

Also how many of my readers use the pill? How is it for you? And if I am pregnant. I have always said this for quite sometime, but 3 is my limit. I believe I would like to stop at 3 kids, so theres the whole getting your tubes tied thing, anyone had that done and how was it? I just fear complications, side effects. Im Mrs Natural everything, so these are new areas for me. I prefer to do without messing with my body, yet at the same time. Im not living as a married woman anymore with someone I can rest on to take care of me. Yes I have boyfriend, but well, as far as financially, I will be doing the work, I have the medical insurance, I support my family myself. Anyways, Im getting ahead of myself again, shhh Victoria.

Im like all observant of babies now too, when my girlfriend was here, when I was buying the lawn mower last week. This adorable little red headed baby was in the cart, holding his bottle, he had the cute little red curls in the back, reminded me of my oldest, his hair was just the same. I know I can raise another baby, and I can still feel the longing at times for it, not that its what I want NOW, but I know I would probably like to do it once more in my life.

Not sure if I wrote yet, but kids and I are going to the beach saturday with my friend C and his wife, the one who has been babysitting for me. So it will be nice to get away for the day, they also want to go to the Elephant Bar? I believe its called. I went to one at the Mall last year when I last attempted things with my ex. It was a cool place and the kids would love it!

Boyfriends friend also invited us all over, Memorial day party,bbq, swimming, not sure if we will go. Boyfriend said they will be drinking Im sure. Its sort of a all weekend thing, so if I do take the kids over at all Im just thinking during the day or something, not at night when the adults are drinking. I dont know yet what Im gonna do, I wouldnt even mind just taking off for a day with boyfriend and kids for mem day, not sure if he will have the time, but we shall see.

Counseling today, I really want to go, I need to discuss this in law thing.