Anger or Hurt?

Dear Diary,

Just got back from Anger Management Class. We have a anger/stress log we have to fill out and go over with the group. I of course put down Sundays scenario with boyfriend.

And here is what the moderator basically said after I shared..

We come into relationships, all of us do it, with expectations, ideals, of what a relationship looks like to US. We get into a “FOG” as he put it, where if we are not ok with who we are and healed and healthy as an individual, we dont look and see what is really there, we see what we want to see. When you first meet a person you are in the newness of it all, He went over the 5 senses, and how once they are satisfied you start to see beyond that and the REAL person if we havent been really looking at it. Then explaining this sudden SHOCK of seeing this person we didnt see before. Fact is, the person was always there, we just were in denial about it.

I hate to admit this to myself, but its true in my case. I have believed in what boyfriend can become, Ive latched onto the good times with him and tried filling in all the rest of the time with ideals of what I want our relationship to be like. He has been telling me who and what he is, and Ive accepted it. He has told me a lot of negative things about himself. I need to listen to them.

Granted it still was not cool what he said, and I was right in saying something. But I didnt need to loose my cool, saying the f word and hang up. There was something I underlined today in class. It said,,,

This is in reference to Anger Management…

“Managing means executing processes that insure CLEAR MESSAGES are given but no harm comes to any person or object. This condition does NOT include any actions taken to preserve personal safety and security”

That stood out to me for one reason being, I need to be CLEAR in what I want in a relationship and adhere to that. And I can state it without harsh words, just truth. The only instance where one may have to react differently is if they safety is in jeopardy.

Anger is not a bad thing, its a tool for us to do something, just most of us let it escalate to a damaging place. And Im also learning to identify my emotions. That it wasnt anger I was feeling. It was HURT AND SHOCK. That I felt on the phone with boyfriend. And it was a normal reaction, and it was ok for me to say something, I just let it escalate to where i raised my voice and cursed. I could have said my point calmly and said not to come over and hung up just the same. I spent all my life getting walked on being a doormat, and now I want to make sure that I dont go to the other extreme and over react either. Im learning about BALANCE also.

Well I checked my machine when I got home, to find a message on it for my Ex from our Mortgage company. The dork called about refinancing! And they called back at the house number. I got nervous, I called my Mom, she said “No he cant refinance it without you, your on the paper work, dont worry” It scared the crap outta me, why on earth is he calling about that? Hes not the one whos getting the house. Im the one who has to refinance it, not him? Once again, you never know what hes up too!