Scared and Love

Dear Diary,


Well I hope I have enough time to get this entry written down. I love busy weekends with lots of stuff to do and things to share.


I decided to go to the movies with boyfriend and the kids. We debated on how to have him arrive, if we would meet there, come to the house and I was making everything so difficult so I just told him, just come to my house, we will all leave from here together.


So we did. 🙂 We then went to the theatre. I know he was a little nervous around the kids. We kept is strictly on a friends level around the kids, not sharing affection and boyfriend girlfriend stuff. And it all went well.


My youngest wanted to sit next to him and not me! HA! And my oldest ended up seeing a school buddy and went and sat with him. We all LOVED the Spiderman movie, I was really happy with it, It wasnt cheesy and lame like most remakes, so I really loved it, so do Boyfriend and the kids. He paid for all of our admission and snacks.


We then went back to the house and hung out on the couch and I got the kids ready for bed. We sat up in the living room until they went to sleep and talked.


Boyfriend didnt have to work all weekend, so I asked him if he wanted to do anything with us saturday, so we said wed play it by ear. My cell phone rang early on Sat AM then the door, My kids came and said someone was here, I said not to answer it, saturday is my sleep in day and I figured it was another church solicitor since we get them weekly where we live. Then they yelled it was Gma! I was like huh? What? My Exs mom just showed up unannounced. Which isnt that horrible, but I had a day planned, boyfriend to be around, and well she hasnt come to visit us at the house in a few years and the last time was awkward cause my Ex begged her to come. I guess I was just bothered she didnt call me to say she was coming by, she said she didnt know, Which I dont believe, she knew before she left her sisters about an hour and a half away she could have called before that. But my Mom said she probably thought I wouldnt let her see the kids or something, which I would have, but also would have been prepared and it not felt so strange. So she ended up taking the kids out to breakfast, she didnt have her roomate so it was fine. Well I told her I had some things to do, and so I needed to know if she was staying for the day and all that stuff. She said she had to go by 3pm and was going to visit her sister, the one in town that I know well. So i said that was fine. Boyfriend and I then had a few hours alone and we went out to Olive Garden. God it was so romantic with him there, we had this corner booth, the mood was so nice, weather was great out, and we always sit together on the same side of a booth, not across a table from eachother. We had so many fun talks, mainly just listening to him, he was sharing so many stories of when he used to be in Karate years back, since I want to put my oldest into it. It just nice hearing him share.


After wards I had to meet mom in law back at my house and boyfriend and kids and I were going to go to a little small town about 20 min away to visit antique yards and a little stop to get some snacks. Well when the kids got back my oldest walks right up to me and says “So when are you and Dad going to court?” I just looked at Mom in law. I didnt know what to say, my kids havent heard a word from anyone about going to court. I didnt feel the need to share all our divorce details, that stuff doesnt concern them. So she looks back at me and says “They asked me questions so I answered, I didnt know what to say so I said it will all be handled in court” I guess I was a little pissed off about that. My kids just figured out what divorce means, now tell them about court?? What is wrong with some people? ::Sigh::


Then she was off, I could tell she was uncomfortable around me. I dont mind the visit, I think its good they see her. I just didnt like the surprise aspect, or the telling my kids about our legal proceedings. She could have just said I dont know to the kids. Ugh the more I think about them saying that Im bothered, why did that even come up? What did she say to them during the visit? ::sigh:: I need to keep an eye on things better I guess.


Ok now that bugs me, bleh.


Well later we picked up boyfriend and went out of town, the kids got really hyper at one point and my youngest was being a total attn hog. It was getting annoying, and it wasnt cause boyfriend was there, they are like this in general when I have someone else around. So we then drove to the park and stayed for quite awhile. Boyfriend and I talked in the grass, shared more stories, and talked about my kids, and about how we were as kids and our parents disciplined us, and things like that. Boyfriend would be firmer with my kids, I know this, so he just shared some things with me, all in all it was good actually. Not that he was the one in charge of the kids, but just shared some helpful things in dealing with boys. Seeing as hes a male and all 🙂 So I really did appreciate his feedback, My ex let me decide everything, he didnt really have much to say on child rearing, he just went along with whatever I said or did most of the time.


It was getting close to dark, and I said boyfriend could hang out at the house if he wanted, he said he would get home and do laundry and work on his computer. So I was kinda bummed but understood. Well we got back, he sat on the couch and ended up talking Spider Man characters with my oldest while I did the dishes. And they talked for quite some time. Then boyfriend suggested renting a movie. I was like Hmm? Ok. Yes inside i was happy he wasnt leaving yet. So he went and rented a movie for he and I to watch and I got the kids ready for bed. They went to bed pretty easy, they told him thank you for taking us all to the movies and my youngest even went and hugged him goodnight. I saw all these things happen in moments where I wasnt in the room but out of the corner of my eye. I didnt ask the boyfriend about what he thought of them. I want to leave it alone and let it soak in and let him think about it himself. It was his first real experience around them. My youngest even grabbed his arm at one point at the antique yard and wanted to walk with him, but then got all nervous and ran off with his brother, haha it was cute.


So we sat up and watched “Momento” it confused the heck out of me! HA the story was so complex and set up so strange. I also got really sleepy during it and dozed off a few times. Then later once I knew the kids were totally asleep I layed across his lap and we watched it together. It was nice.


It was a good weekend. He told me happy mothers day after the Olive Garden and said it was a little gift for Mothers day treating me to eat there.


I had a nice time with him, It was like the minute he was here, things changed. I really dont know how to describe it all.


I went out to eat with my parents for mother day, Im so full, Ive been out to eat every day since Friday. And I got invited to my childhood friends for a BBQ this eve, which I was really happy about. He and i have been friends since we were 4 yrs old! Everyone always thought wed get married, but we never went down that road. Hes married now with 2 kids and living in his childhood home. So I stopped by with Boyfriend yesterday at his house, The kids were with Gma. And he got to meet boyfriend and I said Id be there for the BBQ. I also got to see his parents. Just really good people I have known my whole life and I really felt special that he took the time to invite me and my kids over for mothers day. 🙂 He said to me not long ago “Ok thats it, I just need to become Mormon and marry you too!” heehee But he loves me like a brother would. And I love him too, so it will be a nice end to my weekend.


The only bad spot, our time alone sat, boyfriend and I, the condomn broke. EEEKS! So now I get to stay in that wondering sort of fear until my next period. Thus reinforcing further thoughts for me to go on the pill.


At one point in the Spider man movies hes talking to the girl he loves, the guy who is the spiderman and telling her what he told Spiderman about her. And said something about loving a person, but also being scared of them. It was like hearing my boyfriend speak.


And I think for the first time today. I realized Im scared too, Im scared because I do love him, and see the potential to progress further. We seem to work in this cycle of I saw something, and when I back off, he starts to push ahead and do things, I made a comment to him about it, and he said “That is because you allow me to do it on me own” So its not that he doesnt make changes, he does. My Ex would hear it all and say sorry, but then not change anything. Boyfriend I start to pull back on right away when something doesnt feel right, when I leave some distance, he then responds and does things. That isnt a bad thing is it? He says he doesnt know what to do alot of the time, but is learning, so he is making honest attempts.


I do love him. Its scary

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