Because Im Worth It
Dear Diary,
Woke up this morning. Im so used to boyfriend and I speaking before bed, falling asleep with the phone under my pillow. And then boyfriend bought me this huge body pillow so I have something to snuggle while he is not there. 🙁 Its all so sad for me. Yes I do wake up in the morning and hope that there is a message on my machine, only to find nothing. Yes I rush to check my email looking for something, only to find nothing again. 🙁 It probably sounds pathetic, but its reality.
He is the only other man I have truly loved in my life other then my Ex. I have been thru so many things with him, so many learning experiences, so many talks, so many wonderful loving moments. My heart just breaks and Im confused to why its all gone this way. I do realize I dont like the idea of being alone, but I cant sacrifice myself and what I deserve either. Funny how we seem to think we cant find any better then what we have so we cling to it. Before boyfriend I never thought I could be so open and close with another man like I was with my Ex. I thought it took years to build that, with boyfriend so many walls came down and the start and things worked well. So why is it then I do it to myself again, thinking I cant find anyone better than boyfriend? Why do we tell ourselves such thoughts? Where does it come from?
I forgot to add to my entry last night that at the close of the group yesterday we were asked “What have you learned since you started coming here?” and went around the room.
When it was my turn I said…
“First off I learned that domestic violence isnt just about being HIT. I felt I wasnt being abused because he didnt hit me, and now I know that abuse comes in so many forms”
Secondly I said,
“I lived in a world where I was told “Divorce isnt an option for a christian, God made a way for divorce but he didnt want anyone to do so, only because of our hardened hearts did he” Thus meaning if I wanted to divorce, I had a hardened heart, and then being told God will not truly bless any other relationship thereafter. I think that was my biggest hindrance to leaving my Ex. I felt so guilty and wrong. Like I was going against God. And it wasnt until January where I finally had the peace to let it go. That Im ok in my own heart with my decision and I really dont care what anyone from the church has to say anymore, they havent had to live my life, Only I can speak for me.
Im a young, energetic, beautiful, loving woman, with a lot to give and offer to a relationship. But I also need to be treated the same way I treat a partner I am with, and I shouldnt settle for less.
What I have really wanted is to travel, even locally, just not sit around, and I really would love to have a partner to share that with, and boyfriend is pulling teeth in this area.
I talked to a guy friend last night he said “Victoria, how long will you put up with this?” I said I dont know, I dont feel Im putting up with it, its more like, how long will I wait? Till I move on, or will I allow another attempt at this relationship?