Dad, Men, Kids

Dear Diary,

Well my kids are back home. They were actually quite sweet upon this arrival back, lots of hugs and closeness.

I notice this constant shift and role reversal between the 2 of them.

Its my oldest that is feeling the longing for Dad right now.

And youngest is drawing close to me.

It goes back and forth.

The kids went to visit my Ex’s OLD boss, this was about 4 employers ago. A guy we went to church with, a nice guy, married with kids. I hadnt thought about them in sometime. This was during the time ex worked a lot of jobs in Beverly Hills, some cool restoration work. We all celebrated one night at a lighting ceremony, and we went to Lawrys for dinner afterwards during the holidays and Christmas carolers came to our table. We were all dressed up and sat next to the bosses wife. She and I went to church together also. They ended up moving out of this area when ex and I were still married. So it was strange hearing about them, as I really liked them and thought fondly of how Id love to just say Hello to them. Then I wonder how others see my ex. Do they see what he really is? Or does he have them all fooled? I just wonder. The kids also went over to the house of the couple I saw not long ago and thought the wife was preggo and spent some time there.

Theres a lot of people I no longer see or talk too, well from the church that is, because I was the one who appeared messed up and iniated the divorce, my ex went and told everyone I was having an affair and all this stuff, back in the days when I kept my mouth shut and didnt talk, so nobody knew what was going on in our home. But he portrayed it like I had the issues.

So I have lost a lot of people. I really only have ONE friend(thinking) That I recall meeting there and Im still friends with, that is my friend K in San Diego.

There is D also, I met her through a group event at the church, but D didnt attend our services.

But I still run into people. I was in Target last week and locked eyes with a guy and I knew right away and said Hi but he just looked, and kept going, either he didnt recognize or remember me, or he just snubbed me. He is married to a girl I graduated with, they are Christians also, attended our church for sometime and we all hung out together at my High School reunion. He was in a Christian band we used to go and see play.

Its just weird, seeing people and so many memories and events rushing to the front of my mind. Lost people, people whos world I no longer exsist in(meaning the old church and the people there)

Okay Okay,
so onto other stuff…

I sat and talked with my Mom… she told me my Dad is not doing well, shes had these talks with me before, but it doesnt seem to be like anything is really changing.

But this talk scared me. For the first time…..

She told me my Dad was making noises in his sleep, almost a monster like gurgling, she thought he was having bad dreams, then him banging on the headboard, she came in and found him on the floor, she asked him if he wanted Orange Juice ( hes diabetic) she walked near him and put his leg out at her so she backed away.

He also came in her room one night and touched her face and asked her if she was Okay at 3am( My parents live as roomates and dont share a room and havent since I was in high school)

My Mom said “Im fine, whats wrong with you?” My Dad said “I dont know, but I must not be okay if Im in your room” My mom said that he then sat down on her bed, she asked him again “Whats wrong with you?” He then hugged her. My Mom said “Victoria, I knew then he was scared” My mom is NOT affectionate to my Dad.

She said he then laid down and went to sleep in her bed, she got up and went to the couch.

The night he was on the floor my Dad said to get his blood checked to monitor his blood sugar. My mom said it said 47. She called a friend who is diabetic who said “OMGOSH, 50 is critical! He could have gone into a coma”

So my Mom thinks that is what is going on lately in the night, his blood sugar levels are low, and her friend said my Dads form of insulin isnt the proper thing he should be using. So Dad went in I guess to get that changed. Also his feet are giving him problems, he doesnt walk around much, and he has calcium deposits in his body.

My Dad left and went to his Cabin in Utah, My mom knows he fears this will be his last trip to the place. Im shocked he went.

I need to go see my Dad when he gets back. I fear I may loose him soon.

I have been avoidant of my Dad, I saw him last weekend and did give him a hug and said Hello. But I dont call much or visit him much. I do love him.

I also fear him, I fear him killing himself. My Dad is not the type I can ever picture in a nursing home, or the like… I just dont see him living that way and I think hed fight it any possible way.

My Mom is not very sympathetic towards his conditions either.

What else? Oldest sis called last nite, I spoke to her then she talked with B some, I ended up falling asleep while they talked. Then he woke me to say goodbye, she appreciated hearing his male perspective.

Today, I mowed the back lawn, B came out and helped me finish, the weather was SOOO beautiful today! Gorgeous! I had the windows and front door open, I got some color on my skin.

I wore flip flops and my feet didnt freeze

We did the back lawn together, little one came out and played with his skateboard and B was showing him things, then after that they played with the ball, soccer moves, and all, they did that for a long time back and forth, I parked myself in a chair and watched, my Dog sat next to me, hes so happy, we were all out there with him.

I looked him over and noticed the tumor is forming again, the one we had removed a year or so ago. 🙁 Dammit. Its forming right at the bottom of where the stitches were. Sigh,,, Im going to have to have him taken in again to have it removed. Its growing outward again, which last time they said this was the best kind to have as its not spreading his body, it just looks so disgusting, its like a tumor growing on the outside of the body, like something from aliens, its gross! Right now its small, but the last one grew so fast, they vets were all WOW when I brought him in. It was huge, I thought he was gonna die. And hes been fine and happy since.

We went and got lunch, then to the park so the kids could play. B talked to me about his diet, weight gain, and all that, how he knows that needs to change, we just discussed those issues, our areas of weakness.

Ran into my friend R, shes the girl I took to the hospital awhile back as she was out of it at the school to get her kids, and she on meds and I was sitting there with the kids trying to locate family to come and get them.

She looks pretty bad, shes 34, and her whole face is full of acne now, its worse and worse each time I see her. Ive known her since 6th grade, and her skin has never been this bad.

She is now trying to learn to drive, shes scared too. Her sister then arrived, WOW, shes gotten very large, Ive known them all since we were kids, when their Mom was abusive and me and gal pal called Child services on their Mom and as a result we were blamed for lying and we lost contact for about 4 yrs, only to learn later their Dad went to court to get them all away from their Mom.

B made shrimp for dinner, he was all into sauteeing it and making neato marinates n such.

We had a glass of wine with it, it was good, I only had a few sips, and I noticed I started to think of gym guy, and feeling sad, and I was all “WOA” and I stopped drinking and had some milk and something else to eat. If I drink alone I notice I get sad and depressed feeling so I rarely ever do it. But with people around I usually just get lovey/ snuggly but the sad feelings, I started going UH OH, and stopped drinking and thought of the past times Ive missed Gym dude with B around, how we typically have wine with dinner, and I wonder now if there is a connection. So put that wine up! Had my milk and a chocolate truffle and was soon back to feeling normal.

Its been a nice day, Im feeling better with B. He purchased luggage for us today! We leave Friday for Nashville!

Oh and I got a speeding ticket on my way to B’s last wed, BLEH! 85 on the freeway! DAMMIT!

And I got a $25 ticket parked in front of B’s apartment complex! For not having a front license plate! Ugh

Just what i need, tickets and money to go for that crap…