Im Militant , haha

Dear Diary,

I had a talk last night with the man Ive dated. We talked late into the night like old times. It was nice. He has been calling me more lately. Just to say Hello, or a voice mail while Im at work saying “Im thinking about you” Despite the awkwardness of things lately. I did a lot of thinking last night. We talked for quite sometime. He had told me how I am hard to read. That I get something in my mind and Im very adamant about it. Like its this or that, no other choices. And how I put that on him. How he could easily just saying ” Fuck Off” but he said instead he doesnt really say anything because he doesnt want to be that way. But that I make things hard at times when I do that.

It was very hard for me to hear all that. I didnt know what to say. Because he was correct. I give ultimatums. Not that those are always wrong, but I make them when Im emotional. I can admit I make mistakes, just as I did and told him I was sorry yesterday for my words and actions. So its like what can I do? At the time I feel so right? I think its more of my old way of dealing, you spend so much time in a marriage and so many habits and ways of communicating are formed. And it seemed my Ex was such a child I usually had to take the upper hand in everything. So I guess there is a challange with the Dating man, since he is smart, he has a lot more to say on such matters and examining actions, and where does it stem from, he and I can discuss feelings and emotions. Very different than my Ex was.

I also asked him why he doesnt ask to come over, ask if we can go out, why why why. He said I was correct, that he always has felt his whole life he is imposing on people by doing so. He said “Its part of the way I was brought up” so I told him it was ok to tell me, even if its not a time we can see eachother nothing wrong with asking, worst can be said is No or today isnt a good day. Then he said “I mean what good would it have done when you were trying to work things out with your Ex that I love you, that I miss, that I miss seeing you?” I said “Why not? What is so wrong with expressing how you feel? If its truly how you feel?” I am the opposite I express things, even if they arent appropriate or even if they dont happen, I like to get things out there. Doesnt mean we have to act on them, just my emotions of the moment.

Ah the dynamics of relationships and opposite personalities, it is fascinating. I know that is how people compliment one another with these diff viewpoints and ways of handling things. Hopefully learning between the 2 about compromising and finding a middle ground that works. I love this guy, we both love eachother. Yet at the same time we are both fully aware of the obstacles in both of our lives. And as we both said last night, Neither of us really knows how to do this “the right way” He has wanted me to slow down, and I am seeing it for myself now and it is making sense. So I guess its what type of involvement do we have for now? I dont think it can be predicted. Take it each day.

By the way I sent that scripture to the Christian site that kicked me off in a entry few days back. About the woman caught in adultery. The site told me that my response was “Militant and Aggressive?” haha, Im sorry but you have to know me, if Im militant, whewwwwie, they have no idea what that word even means to label me as such. Then after telling me NOT to return to their site and insulting me they offer me a “FAIR” opportunity to purchase a subscription??? I was like what the heck? First tell me not to come back and insult me as a person, the say “Well ok, we will be FAIR and let you come back if you give us some $$$” Im just in shock over their site and member support saying what they have said.

Well today my children start their kids support group. I hope it goes well for them.