Dance Thru Mine Field

Dear Diary,

Morning,

Well It was nice to have a day off. The weather was perfect also. I took all the junk out of the back of my vehicle to the thrift store to donate finally, I totally washed the outside of my Jeep, vacuumed it out inside and cleaned up the dash and inside windows, man it was dirty, this was the worst I think its ever been.

That was very relaxing in many ways, as the sun was shining outside and just being out in it.

I also went to the post office midday without having to wait in a line.

I phoned cute Gym Guy and we spoke, I told him about the Puppy dying.

He was laying tile at the apartments he lives and works at.

We said wed see one another at the gym.

He knew B was coming out, he knows Im seeing him, he knew he was helping me with the party, he knows Im not ready to be commited.

And yet I know deep inside hes trying to get more out of me, hes not accepting what Im saying, hes pushing it, trying to change it.

I was at the gym and it was nice to see him and flirt like we do there, well he said “I left something on your windshield”

Im thinking a piece of candy or something, so I go out and theres a CARD.

The guy is so afraid to write, and says he cant write worth a darn, and there is an envelope with my name on it, and little drawings all cute. Inside the card says on the cover “How Often I think About you and Smile!”

Inside he wrote “To My Sweet Little Victoria, Ever since Ive met you the clouds in my life have gone away and the skies are blue once again. I care for you more then I know how to say. May God lighten you rpath in life aand his love fill you with warmth and his hand catch you when you fall. D and its got XOXOXOXOXOXOXO all across the bottom.

I was very touched.

I just sat there in my Jeep and felt this pang inside. GUILT.

Like I have these 2 guys who want me, and Im not allowing myself to either, Im keeping one foot in the door and one out, but havent made a decision which direction to go in either.

Yet at the same time its PRESSURE. Ive told Gym Guy where I stand yet hes still pushing forward.

He was all telling me yesterday that he has a Dr’s appt wed, to see about getting some new pills since the Viagra doesnt seem to work, hes telling me friday night he watched some tape with the dude he was hanging out with done by this sex therapist that is basically naked showing her body and where to touch and please and woman and all this detailed sexual info. Im not saying that is bad information, but hes a very sexual man, Gym Guy and its like “Ugh, just back off and focus on something else and improve something else in yourself other then your body or your sexual abilities!”

And then at the same time Im drawn to him because he is so straight forward with who he is and how he feels, hes the classic “Bad Boy” to some degree.

Then after the gym we sat outside talking and he said “Can I come over tonight?” I said “Well I dont only want you for sex do you understand and I feel if I have you over you will want to be intimate” and he said “We can just cuddle, watch a movie” and he says “Victoria, I want to see you more, I want to see you a couple times a week and not just hear after the gym for a few minutes, I want us to go out, I want us to go to a movie or something, with the kids, I like you, I like how you are, I like your kids and they seem to like me and I relate to your youngest, he reminds me of myself”

And Ive been telling D that Im not ready for a commitment and that I dont think its good to have men in and out too much around the kids which is why I have cut out sleepovers with D.

I dont mind my kids knowing him and seeing him, but I limit that. I have to be careful.

Anyways, cut to the chase here, I ordered a book, the one I was looking for a few weeks ago but Barnes and Noble didnt have it here. So it arrived, I read the first few chapters and I was all OMGOSH! OMGOSH!

Its the “Hes Scared Shes Scared” book and damn its good, ITS ME! Its what Im dealing with, its so explains and puts it down before me, its explained the relationship Ive had with B so well.

I got part way through the book and called B and we read it together over the phone, and really the book has been so much of HIM that it was a slap to him also.

Basically,,, from the get go we have both have Commitment issues.

He knew he did, I did not.

I didnt know my role in it.

Our relationship has been a YoYo drama of unavailability creating desire.

First we go out, I sleep with him and want him the first night, but dont expect any commitment or it to go further, thinking its a one nite stand. Im shocked to find him interested in me still the next day and wanting to still spend time with me, I thought for sure wed just part ways and that would be it.

But Im still not divorced yet and confused, yet living separate from my husband. So I wasnt totally availble to B, yet he desired me, and was there for me and pursuing me if you will call it. And then I cut it off with my Ex and went to B. Now Im available and open, and B begins to be more calloused, cold, telling me he enjoys be a loner, telling me he is emotionally unavailable, telling me that the fact that I love him terrifies him,

Then what happens? I get so lonesome, I began to talk to Mr Comedy online and complain about the lack of intimacy and commitment and time together on B’s part. And then I go out with Mr Comedy and then break up with B, I had my escape route with Mr Comedy, my back up plan, and then I break up with B. Only B doesnt respond how I would think, Me thinking he doesnt care, he doesnt see me anyways, well B does the opposite, now Im unavailable, and hes pursuing me again, and well, you can see the pattern between us, It just occurred again, I broke up him and had D as my back up plan to make my transition and get out, only once again B steps up and wants me when Im unavailable.

And well, here we are,,,,, we go in this cycle.

And its my issue also.

B and I were talking and he said “Wow we have been tap dancing through a mine field Vicky, its a wonder we havent blown one another up and killed this with all thats gone on”

And its true.

Its like for whatever reason, we have been there for one another and its hard to let it go.

Theres so much more to say but I dont have the time right now.

More Later