Weekend

Dear Diary,

What a weekend.

Im at home today, I called in, Im home. Im burned out. So wow, a day home, its really weird. I miss it so much though. I miss being home. God I wish I could just quit and stay home sometimes. Or even to work part time. But I have to keep reminding myself that I am able to support my kids and pay all my bills on my own and that I have health benefits, I cant walk away from that. Even though at times I want too. But then what am I gonna do?

So I just ate Birthday cake for breakfast.

And Im sitting here, Im home, its quiet, the sun is shining, but its a little chilly out this early and there was ice on things, it will warm up soon enough,

I just want to cry right now. Just because im happy to just have some time alone and to myself, and theres a different feel in the middle of the week and being home.

So my weekend….

I spoke to D friday night on the phone, he was going out! To play pool or something with a neighbor, which is cool. But havent spoken since. And I have to admit, I thought about him often, and wanted to call, but didnt.

B came up at about 9pm Friday eve, he got his brakes done and something else with the U Joints on the Jeep. He was so happy. Hes gotten so much done over the past few weeks that has just made him SOOO happy. Next week hes hoping to work on the Bug.

So we just laid in bed and watched tv, I was already in bed when he arrived, just laying there relaxing.

He was here since Friday and left about 4:30am Monday morning. Yeah he comes now and spends an entire weekend with me, not HALF, but all of it, and doesnt leave Sunday night any longer, braves the early morning commute to stay.

My Puppy, well she was a little over 1. She died Sunday. 🙁

She had been sick, but as of Friday night she looked bad, she hardly ate, and me and B brought her in, cleaned her as she had this smell about her and I set up blankets in the laundry room. She has never liked to be in doors, and I tried to make her stay as she looked so thin and the nights are cool, well I come back to check on her and shes sitting at the door wanting out. So I let her out, its where she wanted to be.

Sat she slept all day, Sunday AM I thought she was gone, she didnt get up to eat. And well, I was having the youngests kids bday party at 1pm. She died around 11am or so.

Ugh, what a day. I didnt let any kids go play out back, my kids have known she was sick, but have no idea she was dying. Thankfully it wasnt long and drawn out, but I couldnt tell the kids, not during a party day you know? So B was super wonderful. 🙁 Ah was he. My neighbors allowed all the kids to play over there, My Mom brought large bags and a sheet to wrap her in. And B and the neighbor husband cleaned her up and loaded her into my moms truck while the kids were away, we didnt want them to see her like that. And my parents live on a large plot of land and said we can bury her there.

My Mom went over to B during the party and put her hand on his shoulder and he was all taken aback I could tell, and she rubbed his back and kindly asked for him to help. Hes all “of course I planned too” and the neighbors siad the kids could stay over, so B, Mom and myself drove to my parents house, And B got out the shovels and we went out to the back of my parents property.

I hadnt cried or anything, I felt just kinda numb about it all.

B was so wonderful, he went and got “Ginger” and carried her, she was wrapped up of course but it was so strange and touching to see. And he and my mom covered her back up and then Mom had us place some bricks on top so nothing comes out to dig it up or any of that.

That was when I lost it, and I just walked back to the house and went in the bathroom as my eyes filled up with the tears. I think it was mostly hearing about my other dog though too.

See my older Boxer, we got him about 6 yrs ago, hes part of our family, hes OUR dog, hes the man of the house, hes bonded with all of us. Hes a special dog. Ginger showed up as a stray this last year, a Boxer which was why I was interested in her but my Dog has an issue with other dogs and wont get along with sharing his space, but he allowed her and that was why we kept her.

I dont know what happened to her, what was wrong with her, and we knew she looked bad and we would pay an arm and a leg to take her in and all, and they would probably just put her to sleep. And she did pass quickly once she became really bad.

But my Older Dog, hes been loving on her, they would go out to the back wall and Id peek out and hed be licking her face as they moved to lay in the sun together, hed lick her nose, face and chin, My mom was going over midday to feed her as we were babying her and feeding her small portions and making sure the big dog wouldnt eat her special food.

Well when B went out with Mom to clean her up, My dog was laying on her and wouldnt move. Oh my heart sank, My mom called me at that time to get him in the house since he was freaked out.

When we got home last night, 2 days prior I had washed Gingers blanket and it was air drying on the table outside, when we got home old dog was curled up in it in the middle of the patio.

Damn Im bawling my eyes out typing all of this.

My kids still dont know, I will probably tell them tonight. I just couldnt during the party day. And not before school.

And B was so wonderful, so helpful and kind.

He impressed me. He felt like a part of my family. ANd well he has been but it was different.

Seeing him there in my parents backyard doing the hard part and not complaining and alongside my Mom. It was different.

B went out all weekend with me and the kids shopping for party stuff, numerous stores and things, and then watched the kids Sun AM while I did a few errands and he just told me to go I could leave them.

He helped me clean house, he helped me set up so many things.

The party was a small turnout, there were only 4 kids but it wasnt bad, as my neighbors came and hung out and I met a mom from my sons class who came and stayed the whole time. I liked her son too, and hers is an only child, so now I have her phone number and we discussed our kids having time to come over to play and all. So now my youngest will have a friend to call up and play with.

B and the husband sat inside, me and the neighbor wife went out front and she asked me if I heard them fighting this past week one AM. I said No. She said they were arguing from 3-5 am and it was over her wearing her hair Up to work and all this garbage.

Ahhh boy. She commutes and leaves early and works M-Fr, husband works nights, and is Mr Mom home with the baby all day and then tends to the son and takes him to school picks him up,,, her job is laying people off so shes stressed and worried shes gonna be let go and has been hunting for months for a new job.

And she said she comes home and nothings done and shes stressed and hes stressed, and she said he was yelling loud and kicked the stove, she kicked him out, and the next day didnt come home but stayed down below with a relative.

Shes a nice girl, I like her. And she has told me their dating/marriag story. Its been rocky, she broke up with him and cut things off, but did the old go back routine and they did a quick marriage I believe in vegas or whatever.

She seems to be the more responsible one, the hard worker and all.

Not to say hes bad, hes good with the kids from what I observe and heck a Dad who stays home with a baby, thats impressive. Anyways, so will see what happens, she just seems to sympathize with me and encourage me not to put up with BS from a guy or rush anything.

She asked about B and what things hes been doing different, and seriously everyone is all WOW when I tell them.

My girlfriend D called me last night, and so she and her boyfriend came over about 9pm and hung out for an hour and she got to finally meet B. She looked so cute when she arrived, she got her hair done, colored and had this cute skirt, shes such a pretty woman. And shes 45 and B is all “She does not look 45!” and I shes just a young spirit fun woman, not that 45 is old, but her boyfriend is in her 30s and 10 yrs or more younger then her. She showed us her ring he bought her, the engagement ring.

We all just watched Surreal Life and talked. So we went in the kitchen to get some cake and shes all “Sooo are you and B back together????” Im all “No” Shes all “NOOOO?????WHY are you still seeing that other guy???” Im all “Shhh Ill call you on the phone to talk more” and we were all laughing. Shes all “You dont call me anymore!” and its just weird to hear that. Shes been saying that lately. I was the one always making effort for things with her, she was the flake, and its not that Im flaking on her, Im just busy.

So she and I have our weekends off as far as when we have our children, she is all “Can you get your weekends switched??” and I laughed and had B try to explain to her how hard that would be to explain to my ex as hes so weird about his time with the kids and trying to change it would just cause some turmoil and confusion. And I told D it would be easier for HER to switch her weekends around. As she would love to go out for couples weekends with us 4, camping and all sorts of things.

ahhh what a weekend.

B is so comfortable now. I dont feel tense or nervous, Im not dreading his responses, it just flows, I was laying there last night and thinking how NORMAL it is when hes around now. The drama is gone. And in a way, I keep wondering if thats why I like Cute Gym Guy?

I havent been able to shake thinking of him, and I feel so guilty, and its just a strange thing I cannot describe well. I miss him, yet I dont? I miss parts of him I guess?

And its like I feel like I cant keep this up, I need to make a decision, either way, who I want to see, I cant keep seeing both.

And I feel like I would regret walking away from B, that I may have found what I have always wanted.

I want to see Gym Guy today,yet I dread it, because he typically wants to be close to me, kiss me, ask about seeing me, and Ive been with B for 3 days now, and its just weird, its like I bond with gym guy during the week, then B on weekends and its strange when I switch gears.

I cried again when B left this AM, I cried after the last weekend. I get so used to him being here, and its weird when hes gone.