Why Keep a Diary?

Well its Friday night.

Just filled my tummy with some food and popcorn.

Kids are playing, no pressure tonight to do homework, wooohoo!

So I was reading NewChapters entry, and something about people never changing and getting tired of telling someone something over and over again and nothing happening.

I was thinking over that and am reminded of this, especially being a part of the abuse site Im on, we have many people with many different stories, some still with abusers, some not, some dating, etc etc, And there are some who just tell heartache after painful heartache and stories of being abused, Yet they dont leave.

And yes its frustrating.

But at the same time. I have been on the other side, I know how hard it is to let go. It usually takes awhile.

So I guess the thing to remember is this,,, Put out your words or thoughts to those you love, but remember that person ultimately has to make the choices in their life of what to do. Its so easy for us to say “Id do this or that” looking in, yet when it comes to our own situations we might handle them differently then others would. We are all different with different stories, and each of us has to go to bed each night feeling okay in our worlds.

Which is what got me thinking about WHY I keep a Journal or a Diary.

I think it is differnt for many of us also.

See I started keeping a Journal in Junior High, my best friend started one, she used hers to brag, and I wanted one too, I used mine to talk about crushes I had on boys.

And pretty much nothings changed ha! Im 31 and still talking about Boys in mine arent I! LOL

Anyways, I did not have siblings around or a Mom who talked to me about boys, dating, etc. I was alone. Other then my girlfriends. So I journaled.

And I have several paper notebooks full of my writings going back to Junior High, I have them all still. I stopped writing much when I began to date my now ex husband. But I would still every now and then.

When I got pregnant for the first time I started to journal again during the pregnancy. I think those are some of my most special writings, I wrote to my first born while he was in my stomach.

I was thinking “Why dont I keep a journal with my then Husband?” During the marriage. And the reason was I was afraid he might find it, and I didnt want to deal with that.

But when the fighting got so bad, the pain got to be so horrible, I have some horrid writings, they are on loose sheets of paper or in backs of notebooks, I still h ave these, where I took the pen and practically stabbed the paper, I wrote large and very sloppy and poured out my sadness. Writing things like “WHY GOD WHY? WHY CANT I BE MYSELF??? WHY CANT I BE AN INDIVIDUAL??? WHY DOES MY HUSBAND JUDGE ME???

It was during that time that I found Dear Diary.

I first came here as a Wife, for those who remember. I used my diary to brag about the sex between my husband and I. I was into reading erotic literature at the time, and the marriage was going sour, and sex seemed to be all I had left, so I dwelled in that.

Then I changed the diary, I began to share more of my pain and wanting to get out of my marriage. And this came about all in my diary.

I opened up the Sparkly person one then.

I began writing about the separation, and the feelings I had for the man I fell in love with after my ex husband.

Oh what a beautiful time that was, writing about how wonderful he was and things felt with him. I loved those writings, and he was here along with me reading them.

It all crashed down the day I got the phone call from my ex husband that he found my diary and read it and began reciting the nic name I had for the man I was falling in love with. I promptly shut down my diary, and lost that feeling of freedom I felt in writing here.

I went underground.

And some ladies here have ridden with me all the way. Since my first diary.

JustJen and I were both married and living with our spouses when we found eachother here.

Marcella, Celandra, Jewel, Jamisinc, BBGoddess, to name of a few of the girls who have been there or popped in. Im not sure if all of you are here anymore reading. But I think many of you have seen me along my journey. If I left anyones name out please forgive me.

I then opened a new diary, went private, and kept my journal to myself and not allowed the Man I dated to read my new one, and I began to share discomfort about him too, things I didnt want him to see, things i wanted to express.

My journal may be a lot of repititive writing, but its who I am and how I process things.

If it werent for all my writing Id probably be in big trouble! haha

Its more to just put thoughts out there, when I was married to my Ex Husband, I used to share thoughts, things Id feel that day or that moment, and he would get angry, and punish me because of things I said. I stopped sharing, for fear.

When i began to date the man I fell in love with,I had this same fear and hed tell me “Victoria, share how you feel” Id say “Im afraid, Im afraid youll get mad, Im afraid I wont feel this way tomm” and hed say “Ummm okay, so? I realize that”
and he taught me it was safe to share how I feel, it can change by day, hour or even minute, our thought processes do that.

For me its learning that its just that, a thought, and some thoughts lead to actions, some are just that, a thought, that passes.

Im not bound by them.

I can change my mind.

I write because its my way of coping.

Writing, the gym and junk food are my ways of dealing with life.

I dont take medications, I dont use drugs, and I rarely drink but for an outing or a nice dinner.

I write to put out thoughts

I go to the gym to feel better about my body, and to release tension

I eat junk food for that high I get from the sugar

Anyways,

Today was a good day overall, Work, Gym, work out Buddy was there alone so we were able to talk one on one a lot today, like we used to over a month ago as nobody else was there to work out with us. I smiled and laughed and I value the friendship I have made with him in the gym. Hes a great guy.

Cute gym guy and I smiled and made silly remarks, he came and sat with me outside for 20 min before I left and we had some more just honest talks, and he was opening up. He asked me about dating others, he said “Man I hate you”

And he said “I hate that I like you”

And then we just bust up laughing as I say “Dont you think its mutual?”

He wanted to be around this weekend. I told him B was coming out and helping me. He said Okay, he got out of the vehicle and said “I hope Im a better kisser then he is”

And he leaned back in and kissed me across the seat with his stinker grin on his face.

I said bye, got the kids and ran to the store, now here we are just sitting indoors, B just called about 10 min ago, his Jeep repairs are done, he will be here within the hour.

Gym guy said some things, he said to me as we sat in the Jeep “I havent hurt anyone or acted out in a long time, I got tired of going to jail.” and then went on to tell me why hes never owned a gun, why own a gun he said? Using a gun is to impersonal, use your hands. And then he tells me hes never hurt a woman.

Hes been saying stuff like this, and today I said “Why are you saying this?” and he sorta clammed up and said “I dont know, Im sorry I shouldnt have said that huh?”