So Sad

Dear Diary,

Anyways, I talked to my Gym Buddy on the phone last night, Told him briefly was up. Since hes my good friend and looks out for me. He just said that yes a man has to treat a woman with respect, and he shakes his head at men these days and how they treat women.

He told me that Gym Guy and him have talked a lot, he said “Vicky, I dont think he sees me so much as competition, he knows how close you and I are, how m uch we talked cause we have worked out together for quite sometime, I think hes been coming around more into our conversations because he DOESNT want you to have time to talk to me, to tell me anything about him that is negative, hes more concerned about what I do, where I work and the people I know, hes always said “I dont want any trouble with any of you” and statements like that. And just talking about his criminal past and being in jail. Gym buddy also said, “When I have the right moment, I will say something like “Hey Ive noticed youve been getting to know my favorite little curly haired red head, hope you are treating her like a lady” and hes all “Thats all I need to say, thats the way I am and it says nothing of what you have told me. “

I had called Cute Gym Guy last night, I wanted to tell him I wasnt cool with the way he was talking to me, but he was at dinner with his workout buddy, I said “Okay give me a call when you have some time to talk” Hes all “Okay does it matter what time?” Im all “No” and he said hed call me later. The other weird part is when he answers his phone, the last 2 times he answers it saying “Ray?” when he very well has my name programed in his phone and whenever I called he would answer with “Hello Princess” or something, now hes all “Oh hey? Whats up?” acting like he doesnt even know its me, when I know thats total bullshit.

I know its games.

And so after talking to Gym Buddy and B last night. I dont think Im gonna tell Cute Gym Guy that Im annoyed with him, was reminded of how Ive told him things in the past and its like in one ear, out the other. And there are those who just want to connect, wether it be via negative attention.

And he never did call me back last night.

And I sit here, and Im very sad inside.

Its like today emotions are hitting me. I woke up at 5am and couldnt go back to sleep and was thinking of Cute Gym Guy. Its more that Im so hurt. Thats hes just this jerky guy now, when I thought there was more. I miss so much the guy I was first talking too, it all changed when the stupid sexual intimacy factor entered in. He became possessive, jealous, just wanting to be sexual a lot.

After hearing all his lines of “Vicky I like you for whats up here, and here” Pointing to my head and heart. When has he taken the time and concern for either of those aspects? Now its just become sex.

How the day when he approached me at the gym and said he doesnt date people at the gym and why, and how he meets the wrong types of women. And here I am, n ot his norm and he is just an idiot. No wonder he ends up with the types he does end up with.

He also has this big push for honesty, when in fact hes not even honest with himself.

Im so sad, I am, I miss what I thought was there and its like Im grieving that loss now or something.

Amazing how our time together lasted about a month, I felt so close, we spent a lot of time together, I thought it was going to be special. It was AT FIRST.

But that changed quickly.

I miss the guy who took me to Grandmas and showed me photos and told me stories.

I miss holding his hand in the grocery store and him pushing the cart, and just that stuff.

Its really difficult for me to let that go right now. It was so nice for me, those things. And its like B is more then willing to do them now and right now its just not the same. I cant even explain it all.

It just sucks, I wish I was over these feelings and could just not feel or care. I wish I could just hate the guy, but I dont.

People have told me “Im proud of you, your getting stronger, your standing up for yourself.” My counselor and gym buddy both told me that yesterday.

And I still just feel so weak, lame with all thats occurred, like I could do better, shouldnt have did what I did, allowed it to go where it did. But fact is, it did, but other aspect is I didnt allow it and stood up to it.

It doesnt mean I feel good right now, hopefully with time….

Man Im so sad over it all though