Miss the Harsh?

Dear Diary,

Well I was glad to hear the children are alive in the GA murders and the father is in custody. Sad story. Guy killed his childrens Grandparents, Aunt and then their 10 month old sibling. The other 3 children were missing. I woke up early this AM and immediatly had them on my mind. Were the kids alive? Did they catch then yet with the amber alert? Did he kill them? If they were alive did they witness the murders, etc etc. Just the horrible hell that man put those children through, infuriated me.

The kids are alive, minor injuries, the father crashed the vehicle during a chase and shot himself(hes still alive)

And the oldest girl was 10, my god, can you imagine all the trauma on a poor child? And I believe the other 2 were 3 and 4.

I am not feeling normal this week. Im super tired every evening, more so then normal, and Ive had quite an appetite all week. Had the jokes and “Are you pregnant?” comments. Im like? No I just had my period, I had sex once with B and used protection and Im so careful about all that, having him check the condomn for leaks and that all is well. And besides thata would have been super fast pregnancy syptoms!

Ive been breaking out really bad, but that started even before this. And that hasnt stopped. Im frustrated by that.

So Breaking Out, Hungry a lot, and Tired around 7pm and dragging each eve.

Yes I have energy all day for work and to work out at the gym. So its most likely stress related, Ive just never responded to stress this way before.

I had an emotionally draining day of emails and phone calls with B yesterday. Not in a bad sense, but I was just feeling overwhelmed and finally had a break out talk with him of backing off to try and see me, he wasnt being bad about it, I just had to explain to him somethings and he totally respected it all.

Im just too emmeshed each day in the OUR issues stuff, and then dealing with the Gym Guy issue, I am so consumed with that crap I havent been able to just feel normal and live and laugh and all that.

I need to jump off that merry go round for a bit and told B.

I was angry yesterday at Cute Gym Dude, and had an upset attitude walking in the gym, ignored him. Worked out in the other room doing cardio where he isnt at.

Well later came out to do leg machines and he came over and said Hi, and then asked when I was leaving and if we could talk. He wasnt all smart alec like and serious looking, so I told him I was almost done(was leaving gym early, wanted to go to the thrift store)

So he came out and talked to me in the parking lot. Said hes terrible at communication and wish he was able to get the words together he wanted to say.

He said “Ever since I started to see you, I kept dreaming of spending my birthday with you, and I have had a fantasy of you sexually with the maid outfit and fishnets” (he and I went through a Fredericks catalog once and I mentioned I had a Halloween costume of a maid) I put on fishnets for him once, he loved them. So this is where that all stemmed from.

So I said “Is that all?”

Hes all “No, but I dont know how else to say anything. Im not good at this, I dont know how to talk to women, seems I say the right thing or the totally wrong thing”

So I basically told him that to forget the sex thing and keep his fantasy to himself that it isnt going to happen. That what happened that night was very serious to me and hit me deeply and he broke some trust for me in how I feel about him. That has to be rebuilt, and he cant just HAVE me again, ask him if he understood, he said Yes.

I told him I feel things I say go in one ear and out the other. And he once again told me about his memory problem. ANd I really dont know what to say to that. As hes told me from the start its an issue, he told me how hard he practiced remembering mine and my childrens names. He told me how he can forget problems or things that occurred. Yet I know he does remember some things, so its like ??? I dont know how to feel about it all. Regardless, if its a true disorder, I cant deal with it either way, a person hurting me and not remembering and changing their actions.

I told him how I missed him, hanging out , dinner at my house, shopping, all that stuff. But then he opens his mouth with some sexual reference and I just want to get away from him.

Anyways, we sat and talked and we ended up going to the thrift store together, and we held hands and walked around. Picked up the kids, who asked if he could come over, and told him he had to spend his birthday with us. I didnt say a word. Just wild to hear my kids talk that way as the rarely do about B.

We dropped him off at the gym and I said goodbye.

I do believe hes messed up in the head.

And I dont know if he will ever get it through to his head I dont want to be serious with him, I just want to hang out, Im affectionate, if he wants to be cool, but thats as far as it goes. I dont want to sleep with him, he doesnt deserve to have that part of me.

Then I got home, kids were stressful, homework practice test issues, I just was so tired, everything in my head was mounting and I just couldnt deal well. My little one got in so much trouble and went to bed crying, which in turn I felt bad over and I was crying and got him out of bed and just snuggled with him telling him I love him but I have to discipline him. I feel bad for him, some people say he has similar behavior to ADD, and I should just take him into counseling.

Hes a smart kid, a good kid, just so high energy, and has trouble separating tasks, he gets highly dramatic and emotional also, and it seems discipline is difficult to get through to him, he gets in more trouble for his attitude and responses, then the very thing he did that got him in trouble. He just cannot accept responsibility well AT ALL for his behaviors, he denies, argues, you name it, even though hes in the wrong.

Siighhhh, I just wanted to curl into a ball and say “Okay, Im clocking out” and have someone else take over.

I had called B, he mentioned hed come out to see me and I said No, told him to let me ask and call the shots on that for now, he said okay. I panic when he asks stuff, I get kinda weird. So later I asked him to come out. So he arrived just after I cried with little one and finally got him to sleep. It was almost 10pm. I just hugged him and told him how tired I was.

And now he is so kind, he says “Vicky, your just tired, you just need some help”

And hes so soft, he wants to be here more, and I wont allow it.

He wants to help me now and be here and tend to me and the kids.

Its a nice thing but its too soon, too too soon for me.

It was nice to be held and snuggled to sleep.

I had called Cute gym guy before he arrived since I said Id call, but I really didnt know what to say. I wanted to ask him still about his bday, contemplated calling mom to watch kids so I could go to dinner withhim, but then I d ont have much money now and I dont need to be spending money on him after his behavior lately. And I thought of having him over with the kids, pizza or something, but last night my emotions were shot. I just couldnt think, I just say Hi, talked some trivial stuff, told him how Ive been stressed and feeling and I needed to go to bed. Didnt mention doing anything for his bday and told myself to not feel guilty over it, I dont have too.

So here I am today, B went into work late, stayed with me all AM instead of out the door before 5am.

I look at his face, I hear his voice now. Its soft, its kind, its concerned.

And it scares me, in some weird way I want him to be harsh??? Does that even make sense…. I guess I got so used to it, this is such an adjustment….