People Change?

Dear Diary,

Just some more letters.

First one I wrote to B….

I dont mind you sharing the letters at all, 🙂 I think we are getting pretty good with one another to tell eachother what we need, dont need, dont want to hear, when weve had enough, when we need a break, etc.

So if I dont like something Ill tell you okay?

🙂

Know that I love and appreciate you, and that i do believe people are capable of change.

I guess when you havent really experienced seeing much of it around you, its hard to see that people do make a change and dont get so stuck in their ways.

Heck if anyone wants to talk change, Im the ripe candidate for it also!

I was living a totally different life and had so many different views and beliefs just a few years ago!

Something that just hit me today, is something in what Your teacher wrote, about how you wanted a challange, how you wouldnt just quit. And that is you.

I guess the thing Id like to stress is I do believe that is you also. But please dont wait till a person has thrown you out of a class 3 times, told you what they expect, and then repeatedly reject it over and over, until a person has had enough and then you rise to the occassion.

Sorta reminds me of a similar analogy of us. Telling you what I need, expect, desire, what is and isnt okay, you listen to me, say yes, and I know your capable of it, yet for whatever reason you wont do it(why that is, only you can answer, the stubborn trait of yours? Not wanting to be told what to do? Wanting to do it YOURSELF without someone else telling you perhaps?)

I would so hate to go through life knowing this has to be your approach you know? I know you welcome challange, you thrive in it. I think that is where your hard outer appearance, tone, words, facial expressions become intimadating at times. I cant remember the exact scenario but it was at work, or something and you said someone came up to tlak to you. And just the way you address people at times, how I siad if I didnt know you, youd scare me.

You very well know in your own mind where you are but a person doesnt from the outside. All they have to go off is tone, facial expressions, body language. And there are times you portray such hardness, Id say that is probably the way you would express anger outwardly. You dont lash out, yell, hit, etc, Its different with you. Its look and tone.

And you might gripe that someone wont tell you something and shy away from it, as if they are weak, And that you respect a person who can kick down the wall and say “Hey, you, listen to me, knock it off” But that in many regards puts it onto others, instead of you seeing your role at the get go.

I believe there is a time to put up a wall, keep people at a distance. And this is probably the big extreme between you and I. I have too much down, you probably have too much up.

Im not sure Im getting out what I want to say here. Basically…. Dont make it so people have to kick down the doors repeatly till the point of exhaustion to listen. Till a person has had enough of you and tells you to hit the road, look at the challange they put to you earlier on, the one they have said out of love and concern, instead of the message being relayed when they are so tired, hurt and wounded.

It doesnt have to get that far…

Vicky

This is his response….

I know what you are saying. I agree.I see 2 things that contributed to that over all outcome. #1 I must always be strong and never show weakness #2 I am always right.. The 2 feed each other in a spiral.I “Know”that I am right in having to be strong etc… Not accepting outside help and feeling weak for needing it, so back to strong… in a loop. Flawed to the core, but somehow seems valid when you are inside of it.

Perhaps this might help things.This is what I replied to her(My Teacher)…It contains some of the thoughts I have about some of the things you are saying…At least i think it does. tell me if I am wayyy off base here…

>>>>>YEs Quite a bit is new with Albert. That is kinda of the conclusion I am coming to. Maybe More that I have always been what I wanted to be. In some ways I just have to accept that I am .In otherways I have new skills to acquire and learn and practice.All in all it is a good thing.Learning that MUST statements are self defeating. Went over a worksheet with some and its funny how many Apply to me, and in a new light how silly they sound, but I know they are true, or have been true in my reality.An example. I must always be strong andnot show weakness. What does that mean? Yet I know in the past that drove me with a consuming passion.I can sum it up in a small scene. People ask If I am ok. My answer is always.”I am ok, Im always OK” regardless of what is happening.I can be dieing and my answer never would admit that.I MUST put on that shell and appear to be strong and have no flaw or weakness. People hate weakness, Being weak gets nothing done,no woman is attracted to a weak man, etc etc etc.Yet when I look at it now How did that ever help me accomplish the goals I had set out to do.I isolated and neglected a woman I love.I failed to admit I was in pain and just moved on ignoring it because to admit it would have meant I was weak and not strong enough to do what I Must do.And as things got harder and worse I just was that much more determined to not be that way,THings fell apart and my answer….Im not strong enough.My weakness is holding me back. It seems so idiotic now, but at the time it made so much sense.This is getting harder and I am lacking, so therefore become stronger. Seems to make sense. But my definition of strength was poor and narrow. The only strength I knew was old and outdated.Still felt like what I knew of being strong, I was just mistaken.It is funny how something as simple as that could have driven me to a point so far. Not to mention combining in anger and depression and everything else.It may not even be the true focal issue to be honest but it is something that I see right now as being a serious contributor to the overall ruin I created.Wow What a cheery thought to start my morning with.

Hearing that Greg could change gives me hope. He is a shining example of someone I would seek to emulate in time.I can just be the poor greg.LOL.Hearing you say that gives me hope.I have hope, but I need as much of it as I can get.At times I seek to despair. Vicky has rough reactions at times. She is hurt and afraid and at tiems it rends my heart.Things are so new and soon.I know even if I walk lightly my presence is strongly known. I am not good at being meek. I am patient and trying to be soft.It is alot like my reaper on my leg.It might be all soft and cute being all nice with flowers , but there is still the obvious part, It is a grim reaper.Does that make any sense?I am torn between wanting to be with her and just letting things have some time.It flows back and forth. The disparity between having my heart soar in joy and sink in despair is tough.I see what I desire and I know it is possible, yet I fear to lose it.I cannot take it by force. I choose to wait and see.Not an easy choice some days but it is the one I choose.Learn not to react. not to despair until the time to despair is at hand.Just flow with it, let her know I love her and see what happens from there.So far it has been a good thing.I think about what you said about it being a package deal.I am all in, Im shoving my chips in the pot and going for what I believe to be the chance of a lifetime.Redemption is not an easy thing.I know it would be 10 times easier to walk away and just write this off as a loss. I had pondered that and everytime I come back to the realization that I would regret the loss too terribly.I wont say I havent tried.I just know that when I think about just walking away she is there , in my heart.I feel her.In a way I dont know how to live without her.While there is hope I feel compeled to try. To exhaust any means at my disposal.The funny thing is the best surest way, is also the hardest and one I had feared for so long. Resigning that I am not able to do this right now as I have been, with the skills I have and the things I know.Changing is my surest option for success.Giving up what I had perceived as my strength, feeling weak and exposed.Willing to stand out there and deal with whatever comes, in a real manner.I dislike feeling this way at the moment to be honest. Fear to be taken advantage of or used.Yet I dont feel that way .Many of the terrible things I imagine have not come, they probably will not come, and to be honest I think they may never have existed outside of my self inflicted perdition.I want to be there for Vicky. I want to be there for her kids.I wnt to show things to them and to learn from them.I want to be there for the mundane stuff like homework or fixing a bike.The good things and the bad things.I want to walk with this woman not becaue I have no other options, but because I cannot think of another option I desire more than to share my life with a woman I love.Her Kids are good kids.They are bright, they have great hearts( they were raised by thier mom, you can tell). They are not perfect, noone is.I fear at times they do not like me.I fear at times many people dont like me.Yet I know they dont run and hide from me when I come over.They jump on me like I am a jungle gym so it cant be that bad.I just have to learn to connect with them.Lern how to deal with the family as an entity, not Just Vicky….and her Kids.A real step for me.What do I know about family?I fear that I am not capable enough to be a father or rolemodel.Who do I think i am, but at the same time. I think I can learn to be there. Things are changing on a personal level with my own, and while it might be a bit late for the ideal model it a a piece to the puzzle.To be honest I fear the family aspect of this relationship more than I fear Vicky by herself.I doubt myself or my ability, and to me I have valid reason to.I have alot to learn, mistakes to make I am sure.Im willing.The opportunity will take time to get to I am sure. When it is time hopefully I will be ready. If not at least willing. =0)And somehow it all comes back to hope.I have hope, things seem bleak but I know I can do it.Just may be hard when I get there. All I know is I am willing to put in the work, when the time comes, I will work, not just spinning wheel try to shove work, but focused effective work.Yeah.=0)

That is where I am.Thats how my life is.

How are you?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

so yeah. Make any sense? I know that now. Not that it does much about how things were.I can only say that I have much work to do. I can only hope you see that I am serious, in time. Yeah.

Yes you have changed quite a bit. I admire that in you.in some ways I can say I envied that in you. You may be right. We at times are at opposite ends. Finding that happy medium is prolly a goal we both have.IN ways we help each other with it. Maybe not in the healthiest ways at times past. Im kinda rambling. Im hungry.

K i will shutup for now.

Loves ya

B