Slammed the Phone

Dear Diary,

I took my telephone. I shouted “FUCK YOU!” and slammed it so hard on the desk tonight I thought I broke it.


Oh why did I fall in love with YOU!

Letting you go hurts so freaking bad for me.

Tonight I posed the question, read him the last email he wrote me the day after spending the night on the 21st. Where he said “I know things dont make sense, but they will I hope, We will work things out” I asked him “So what are we gonna do?”

He replied ” Oh you wanna talk about Deep shit, and Im gonna tell you right now it isnt gonna happen”

I responded “So when is it gonna happen then? When you want it to? On your terms?”

He replied “Yeah, basically”

And that is where my phone slamming end came in.

What am I doing to myself??????

Its Goddam hard enough, dealing with an ex from Hell. I cant get any fucking closure with!!!!!!!!!!!

A boyfriend who starves me emotionally, wont break up with me, but wont try to be there for me. Who does things when he wants, and I have been accepting his FUCKING CRUMBS.

I have this teddy bear that has B’s voice in the Paw that says “Hi Babe, dont forget that I love you” And thats all I have to hold me and talk to me at NIGHT.

I have been resisting the reality of what is there. I have hoped and wanted there to be more, for it to change, to grab onto to the crumbs I pick up off the floor and think they are some shiny golden piece of Gold.

It hurts, it so fucking hurts.

Look at my life, I have people telling me Im making progress, I am doing so well with all that is on my plate!

I cant fucking MOVE!

I cant FUCKING Get divorced!

I cant fucking get closure with any God Damn thing around me.

At times I just want to pack up and move me and the kids and start over.

I dont know how to keep doing this, I feel like losing it.

Im not motivated at work,

Im driving around wondering if My ex is back there.

Im coming home hoping and praying for a call from B that says “Babe Im here, I love you”


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