Touching

Dear Diary,

I have been incredibly tired since Sunday night.

Hard to wake up in the AM, tired early, falling asleep while on phone with B at night which isnt common.

I know a lot of it was since I was around Gym Dude and him staying over, I didnt get as much sleep, up late, talking, fooling around, up early, up in the middle of the night.

I never really recovered. I always used my weekends to play catch up. Gym Dude was an early riser and I couldnt sleep in with him up and around.

So I think Im still not well rested from the past month. I did get to sleep in this past weekend which was heavenly! But guess I could use more, and with the way that B was all over me, well I got a full on cardio workout breakfast lunch and dinner.

🙂

Anyways, he had his second therapy session yesterday, got some homework to do. And his therapist recommended Anger Management and B will soon start that too. Its not really any area we have ever gone into and he said he was a little HUH about it? And the therapist just stared at him each time he tried to dispute things, and then hes all “He basically proved his point and I conceded, whats the worst that can happen? I pick up new tools?” As the therapist dude told him with the depression and all, the hurt, the family issues, there is a lot of underlying anger in him. Which Id agree. B did not last out at me, yell, hit me, none of that. His anger manifests in a coldness, its a facial expression, a look or a tone. And I dont think he realizes it, because I dont often think its directed at people at times, but it comes across that way. So I told him I think it would be good also. The therapist also recommended couples counseling for us, and he told him “Not at this time” and I said No also. Im not opposed, but thats if things are going well, we decide to get back together and I have seen hes really working on HIS STUFF first. That is whats important right now.

He also wrote an email to his teacher friend, this is whos wedding we just went to before the breakup. She is someone B really looks up to, so he and I were discussing “Do people really change?” and all that and I had said among so many women I know and relationships, the partner says they want to change, make claims, but its empty, it wasnt real, it was just a manipulation tactic, etc. And B is all “Vicky, Im not a statistic, I have never been”

So he spoke to his teacher friend about it, her response was pretty awesome….

His letter is first….

>=0)

>Ah man. Why is it when I set out to change some small thing so many things

>are set into motion?

>I actually have a question for you. Have you seen me change over the

>years? Make serious altering change? I would say yes myself in some ways,

>yet I know I have had some underlying issues that over time have

>persisted.I think my own perception is a bit biased at best. Vicky and I

>were talking about change. People telling her people dont change.I

>disagree. I have changed, alot, i think. Over the years, there were times

>that change was all I did. Yet the old saying the more things change the

>more they stay the same or something like that… I dunno. Just

>kinda mulling that over. I am at a place where I know I have little option

>but to change.Having to face the realization that I am not who I want to

>be/dreamed I would be. Went down the wrong path, and I have a choice for

>redemption, and I want to take it.I know I will stumble and get scrapes

>along the way, I already have.Yet I have taken them in stride with an

>open heart and grace.Crazy stuff. Still got that stupid happy smile on my

>face. Hope is a great thing.In a way it is like my old armour yet it is

>soft. Allows you to take things, but not just crash into them unfeeling,

>more allows you to flow with things and get to a differant truth.It hurts

>alot more but it is real.

>K I will shutup and go back to work. Just havin a thinky moment and stuff

>and wanted to say hi and Happy New year. Hope #### is well. Say hello for

>me. Vicky and I are talking. we spent some time together and talked.

>Perhaps working on reconciling but with no rush. Just kinda moving in that

>direction =0).

>Love ya

> B

Her response…

Great Guns—Change, you say? HAVE you changed???

Dear heart, I can say with the firmest of conviction that Pavlov could have used YOU as his test case to illucidate that learning was possible! You might just be the Poster Child for Change!!!

Perhaps it is difficult for most people, for they do not see thousands and thousands of examples. As a teacher for over 3 decades, the numbers of students I see are LEGION…and, I can safely tell you that I have never known ANYONE to match you in the positive growth category.

Indeed, B—I would not have kicked you out of class three (count ‘m “three”) times if you were not an advocate for change. After all, YOU were the one coming back time after time. Not because you had to take my class—the second two times were elective decisions.

YOU were the one opting for yet another opportunity to place yourself squarely into the eye of a maelstrom. You were the one eager for another opportunity to test the waters with someone who was GOING TO HOLD YOU TO THE LINE—- SOMEHOW! Most people would avoid that person like the plague. YOU coveted the chance to brave those waters once again. The only reason I can see was that YOU wanted the change. You wanted to find a place where someone was expecting more of you… WHILE YOU WERE EXPECTING MORE OF YOURSELF.

Truth be told, B…I don’t think that you were ever as “dangerous” as you presented yourself to be. That beautiful, soft armor that you talk about was more visible to some of us than others. Your soft underbelly was clearly discernable….and the more you glowered, the warmer the glow!

However, you did have many fooled…and, perhaps it WAS a risk to allow you to be so close…especially since you spent so MUCH of your time trying to keep people at a distance.

Were you changing then? In school? YES! Were you eager for change? YES! I remember telling K that I did not want you back into class because you had your chance to CHANGE your work habits (in Academic Decathlon) and WRITE THAT SPEECH…and I KNEW you could do it…and if you came empty handed, then you were just asking to be dropped from class. There had to be a line in the sand somewhere. And, you tested that line. And, you were out of the class. Simple. Straightforward. End.

But, NOOOOOOOOOO! You had to come back for more. You wanted many changes in your ife from the very first of our meetings, B. But, back then, I do not think you knew what direction you wanted your life to go….you just wanted something….something.

After you tested the waters, sank, and, yep, maybe went down for the third time, at least you LEARNED. You can tell Vicky that those apocyphal stories about “how it used to be” are the truth….and LOOK HOW FAR IT BROUGHT YOU!

But, I am certain that she has seen the change in you over the time she has known you. I know she has been part of the growth, as well. Goodness, remember the kinds of women you used to be attracted to? Victims with few other redeeming values. All needing someone to “save”, and little in the way of a future? You wouldn’t even have been attracted to Vicky if you had not changed from that shallow way of approaching women. Why, HERE was a woman who would FORCE you to step up to the plate in many, many ways. Here was a force to be reckoned with. Here was a WOMAN! An equal brain (no easy task) An equal heart.

I’ve seen you change in locations, jobs, friends, family (I am still reeling from your Christmas visit to your Mom) weaknesses, strengths, body types, addictions, reading habits, education, sartorial pursuits (who woulda thunk it—a TIE!) Why, I have even lived long enough to see you fall in LOVE, and know the pain of too much tenderness.

I have seen you change enough to be happy that you are sad. I have seen you change enough to be endeared to that thing which is wounding you instead of railing against the pain, and using that as the excuse to inflict even MORE pain; to be cleansed by the fire instead of consumed by it.

I am glad that you remembered that line from A SEPARATE PEACE–the famous old French saying about the more things change, the more they stay the same (only the FRENCH could get away with that type of thinking, NO?) I don’t happen to agree with that saying—at least not when it comes to people. It may be true about nations, and philosophies, and institutions (like marriage?) but it certainy is NOT true about YOU.

Perhaps you are the exception that proves the rule.

So, can I affirm that you have made stellar life changes? Yes. With assurances that you have not even begun to make those most important changes. Those are still on the horizon. You have seen the cusp…only the cusp.

But, I am quite certain, just as you are, B, that those changes will come into full view—and you will be rewarded for your diligence. I, too, see a future that can only be better. I, too, wait in hopeful expectation and with a smile on my face—even as you gird your loins for battle.

The changes that are about to occur are long overdue—but you are speeding them on their way. Your willingness to look at them openly, and in full pursuit of the truth makes me very proud to know you. We both know that you could con this whole thing, and turn it into some circus…and you have NO INTENTIION of taking that easy way out again. Amazing. Brilliant. Brave.

So, without qualification, I agree with you, B- You have changed. And, it is not over yet. You have only begun, my dear. And, the reason I can say this with such assurance is because I have been lucky enough to watch you grow up in a sense.

I don’t know if you know this, B, but one of the happiest days of my life was when you told me that you thought you were in LOVE. You were walking with me, and telling me about Vicky, and I was so happy for you it brought tears to my eyes.

Truth be told, I never thought I would hear you use that word, B. It is not that I didn’t think you were capable of love…I just wasn’t sure how that word would come to be used by YOU! Hearing it come from your mouth, in your rather chaotic life at that time, seemed like a miracle. You had made such a point of keeping people AWAY from you, I was not certain how you would ever succumb to the vulnerability that LOVE brings.

What a delight it was to hear you say that word. And, what a delight to watch you grow in the light of that loving attitude. Beautiful.

So, sweet one, Yes, I HAVE WITNESSED THE CHANGE. I am not just saying that (you now I don’t do that anyhow!)

I have known many people who have GROWN into the beautiful adults that I had seen emerging from them in their teen years—but FEW OF THOSE PEOPLE NEEDED TO CHANGE A GREAT DEAL. Most of them had their futures in their sights, and had to eradicate a few, childish, teenage traits so that they could be successful adults—-That is QUITE DIFFERENT from the changes you have done. I can even recall you being quite proud of your dangerous behavior in Junior High. It was your brand of defiance, and your way of defining yourself back then. And, it took quite a while before you no longer needed to define yourself by how much danger you could evoke, but how mucfh trust!

You are a chameleon. You are the alien life form, in ways. You are Lazarus rising from the dead. You are the Phoenix. Such changes are a wonder, and fill the rest of us with AWE.

I hope you write about your feelings during this time, B. Much will be learned. Much will be discovered. Unfortunately, much will be lost in the transition as well. For the rest of your life, you will be looking back at this time as your epiphany. But, like the shed skin of the reptile, it will never fit again, and it will lie tattered on the floor of the cave. Mark its death throes with respect. Write so that it may not “go gently into that night. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.”

Vicky’s writings meant a great deal to you in discovering just how deeply you had hurt her. Choose to write your own awakenings so that you can watch the discovery of self, and chart the growth. Once you open that door into the technicolor world, black and white is never the same.

I envy you the journey. I envy the insight. I envy the vision. I envy the growth.

But, I don’t envy the pain.

I will be there to help, though, if you need it.

Love,

########