Back to Life

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I was asleep before 11pm last night, I just got so instantly tired and had to go to sleep.

I got the kids, got in, cleaned up my office some. I am so anxious to do more home decorating again.

I think namely the big thing is I want some new furniture, but just deciding on what since I have several options on what I can do.

So my options?

Well first off is getting new sofas for the living room. I have one, but would like 2, just something with more room, for entertaining, for people to sit across from another and talk, instead of just the one couch, and that would mean either getting a new couch and love seat. Or ideally Id like a sectional sofa set with the lounge part to it, oooh yeah!

But have to measure out the room and see how it would fit, my living room is large but in the long ways direction, so thats my other dilemma.

OR

I leave the couch situation as it is, and buy a small chair and ottoman for my office. See if I get the new couches, I can put the old one in the office, its large and can double as a guest bed since its comfy and roomy to sleep on and I wont need a bed for that room which I dont want to put a bed in their anyways, and it would give me a place to sit, lay down, read, etc.

AHHH Wish I was just rich and could start all over from scratch and get all I want! But I have to be frugal and conserve. So I dont really know yet, but I should search some furniture stores in their clearance sections right now since Im sure theres some good deals.

I was going through photos last night and found pictures of my old 1930s Craftsman Bungalow house. Im so glad I snapped pictures. I just look at them and sigh, how cute it was, how warm it looked in there, how I loved that house so much. Waaaaaaaa

Anyways, so back to my home, I was cleaning out the office. Im anxious to decorate the walls, they are painted but nothing is hung yet, and Im waiting to hang pictures until the furniture problem is solved, since I dont want to put holes in the walls then have to move stuff and make more, when the walls are painted red, well the nail holes are visible once you pull out a nail.

I also want to paint the hallway but still am clueless as to what color, sigghhhh, and paint all the doors in the hall. There will be 4 doors to paint that face the hall by my room.

They need it badly.

They are still undone except for one since Ex and I bought the house.

Wow, can ya believe the house is finally ALL MINE though! Seemed like that day would never come, now its here and its mine, and it feels so nice.

I did speak to Gym guy last night, He had phoned me Sat and Sunday, left a message sunday am asking if I wanted to go out to eat that he had a mexican restaraunt certificate. I was at B’s place. I just didnt speak to Gym guy all weekend and just didnt really want to.

Things arent going to be the way they were. Its not daily calls between him and I, and having him over to stay the night, and him wanting all the details of my life when he isnt even entitled to them. Ive put my boundary up now and see how things were eroding, how he was playing games or manipulating me with “Your a liar, you didnt tell me such and such, and so since you didnt tell me about it your hiding it…….” and the on and on stuff.

I got an eye opener, realizing that was how my ex was with me, hed just harp on me until Id tell him my own personal thoughts that belonged to me, then once hed get them hed use my thoughts against me. But had this way of using guilt and turning things around on me.

Gym guy just talked, I listened, and could really hear and see him for who and what he is. A very damaged man with a lot of issues whos just not even emotionally on a level with me.

He said “I was hoping you could go to the store with me and help me pick out a card for my daughter, its her 16 bday this month” and I see how he is. Hes scared. Hes so scared of his Grandma dying or becoming to frail to assist him in life ( She writes out his bills, is on his checking acct, he told me how she helped to get him out of jail, how she helped him out with the diability paperwork, how shes stood by him, how she goes with him to see his daughter each year, and on and on) and he made mention once to me “Your gonna be doing this for me” and how B would tell me “Vicky , hes looking for you to save him” and he just wants to grab onto someone to take care of certain issues, that to be honest, I think he could do himself in all honesty, hes just insecure on things, and this was just like my ex was. I used to do his school work, I filled out job applications, etc. He didnt know how to write a check really also after he and I split up. And Gym Guy is much the same way. I know he does have disabilities, but at the same time I think hes capable of more but hes just insecure about how well he does them. He asked me to write on all his gift certificates at Christmas his daughters name and her sisters.

He was so upset the mall didnt do that for him as he carries a sheet of paper with all their names to be copied off of.

D talked about the gym, about his new routine, about making his legs larger(the muscles are already huge to begin with) and talking about how he has a hard time with pants, they have to be loose fitting since his calves wont fit in some pants.

He said towards the end “Are we cool? I mean as friends are we cool Vicky?” I said “Yes” Hes all “Okay, I just figure Im an a$$hole”

Sigghhh.

I told him Id see him at the gym. And so life will continue back to the regular routine, I do think we will still smile and flirt and touch and hug there, not sure. I am not sure how this will play out, but I dont want to kiss him on the mouth anymore. And when I say touch, I just meant how he comes by and puts his hang on my leg with a smile while passing by type affection.

I believe he is longing for just anything, friends, period.

And it may sound strange but I talked to B a lot about Gym guy. And as long as he isnt a jerk and freaky, well hed even be willing to pass along some info to help the guy out with some of his issues.

I also am going to have my gym buddy check out some info on Gym Guy, his criminal history. Would love to see if there is anything there Im not aware of.

You know if there is any thing like restraining orders or physical violence against women.

Spoke to B on the phone before Bed.

Not much else to write at the moment. Im so tired today actually and I got a decents night sleep. Well decent in my book, about 8 hrs

Ive been breaking out, I was told by the girl who does the facials that the area along the jawline and by the ears breaking out is usually a sign of stress, and I just broke out really bad this past week in that area, like ewww what is this? I dont normally break out to this extent, especially after my period. But not sure what I can do to help with the breakouts, I hate it, cmon Im 31 now!