It Passed

Dear Diary,

Well, its about 11:40pm. B is asleep.

I ended up getting something to eat this AM, and I didnt go talk to B but cleaned up my office. Then the feelings I had went away, B woke up and came in all sweet and we just hugged. Im glad I didnt go in there when I was feeling all out of whack.

The day was pretty kick back. It was good though, the kids went next door to play and B and I snuck off to the bedroom and were able to make up for the weird/lost mood the night before. 🙂

He has been great.

I went to the gym this eve he stayed with the kids. When I came home the little one was on him on the couch and they were talking about wrestling and this turned into beat up B time. Which they love doing with him.

I felt okay the rest of the day, it wasnt until the eve and laying in bed( we swapped the tv out) so I have tv again, but I was quiet. In my head I think things about how good it was kissing cute gym guy, I think about the way he would massage me so much, so deep, so thorough, and I just want those things.

I ask B to do them or try to iniate but they are not the same.

Im just trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings.

We purchased our plane tickets today, its sorta scary for me. Ive become the way B was, afraid to commit to a “Getaway” but I did it.

I keep reminding myself, if things get to be too much, I can tell B, I can break up. I can do what I need to do for me. Right now Im just struggling with thoughts, and the ones I write here are namely the negative ones. So its not that all the other hours are filled with confusion and these thoughts I share here. I just come here to share these because its a safe way for me, and its a way to just spit it out for the moment.

My girlfriend in town, K, invited me out next Saturday with her and her sister to a roller disco party! haha, sounds like a blast, and the kids will be gone, so I said YES.

I know Im too revolved around work, home/kids, bf. And not so much on outside activities with friends as of late. I need to do that for myself. So I said yes to going.

Something Im feeling or wondering about myself. I almost think it might be BEST if I see B less? That I do better with less?

Who knows, Ill drive myself crazy if I dwell on this too much, so enough of that!

I have counseling tomm, so will get out what I can in the short time there, B also has his therapy tomm also.

Later