Just Crying

Dear Diary,

Its about 10:30pm. Im not ready to sleep.

Im stressing and worrying,

Im dreading the meeting, My mom warned me tonight, she said “She may lie, she may deny she said those things so be prepared”

Would she?

I told my mom, “How did something so simple as me stating I could not do something turn into all this?” Mom said “Yeah pretty stupid isnt it?”

Yet I still somehow feel guilt for speaking up, making waves, doubting myself.

I did not make her say those words, those words were totally from her and nothing I made her say, the out of line stuff.

Yuck this whole damn thing just sucks, Mom said “Vicky, if she said that to you, this isnt the first time shes done this type of thing, she needs to be stopped, shes gotten away with this stuff for too long.”

I was stressed, its consumed my mind all eve, I talked to B some, I talked to my Mom on the phone. I laid and watched TV with it in the back of my head.

My little one acted up tonight, tantrum and all, this was just after my phone call, so I was already wiped out emotionally. I took the phone, went out on the back porch outside in the dark, sat in a chair, I just wanted to break down sobbing, my oldest was doing homework,B was on the computer, I just needed to let it out, I couldnt handle my son yelling and throwing a fit, I didnt want to hear it.

The phone rang and it was Mom. I walked around to the side of the backyard to sit alone by the wall and cried some and talked to her a good while. She reminded me “You know you are doing the right thing, so remember that, this will not be pleasant but you know in your heart this is right”

Dammit

I just want a reprieve of this crap, I finally work through the stuff and freaking out with B, and what awaits me??? THIS SCENARIO??????????

I have never taken a stress leave or any of that. I have watched my sister, saw her get time off and a Drs note and how I never even sought to do that, hell through my whole divorce I went to work, I have never asked for a leave, just a day off maybe here or there, but thats it. A sick day.

I was at work somedays with a racing heart and chills having panic attacks and deep breathing at my desk.

Ive shut the door and put my head down at my desk and sobbed.

Anyways, I just hate all of this.

I was laying in bed next to B as hes watching tv, sex was furthest from my mind, all I kept thinking of was how a nice drink sounded good, to perk me up, but numb me, help me relax.

But nope, its just me and some water tonight.

All I can do is sit here and cry