Impulsive Thoughts

Morning,

Well another night feeling so sleepy practically dropping the phone saying Goodnite to B.

I was out just before 11pm. Up about 7:15 am.

I wasnt dragging as bad today.

Went to gym yesterday, Gym guy and I smiled, my buddy was there also and talking to me between his sets.

So first news,,,, theres another guy we work out with. He has gone on all the dinner outings, like when we took the Limo, and the last time we went to B and I’s favorite restaraunt. Hes a really nice man and his wife too, his teenage daughter has also come along. So I asked Gym buddy about where everyone was, and he tells me that this guy T, fell off a roof this weekend, got tangled up in a ladder on his fall, and cracked his head open. His wife rushed him to the hospital, he was in a coma, they had to drill to relieve the pressure.

WOW

I asked if we could go to the hospital to visit. He said his wife says No. Gym Buddy is hoping he will be okay, but there is a concern for brain damage.

How scary. This guy is just a total sweet man. 🙁 So will just wait to hear whats up I guess, since Gym buddy works with him so he will know more hearing if he is okay and all.

So I told B last night, I told Gym Guy also. Everyone is all WOW.

So Im doing my cardio, Gym guy winks at me and I smile. Later he was over towards the back doing sit ups on the floor and I went over and said Hi, asked how he was. He said he had something for me, he picked up some vitamins and got a buy one get one free. Hes always bringing me little things like that, its nice though. Hes the vitamin guru guy, knows a lot.

So I told Gym buddy I need to come over and hang out with his wife and him and tell whats been happening as its hard to talk at the gym with Cute Gym Guy there popping in. Which he has been, hes been talking to my Gym buddy a lot, or coming over while he and I are talking.

I went out to the parking lot when Cute Gym Guy was heading out, he gave me the vitamins, and we just sat there and chit chatted.

We were talking and we do hug, its cold out at night and he takes his jacket and opens it up and pulls my arms in. I said at one point “I dont want you to use up your gas again” as he told me before, his old truck, he has to warm it up and one day we were talking and it used quite a bit of gas as it sat their running as we spoke. So what was his response? “Oh, you want me to leave” and I hate it when he frickin gets like this, his facial composure changes, he gets all insecure and stupid and his tone, its that total reminder of walking on eggshells feel, you never know what will set it off. Im all “Thats not what I said, knock it off”

He sorta chilled, I was talking about my work, needing some changes, getting bored, and he said “Oh, like you got bored with me?”

He just does a lot of that. And also made some remark of how badly he missed a backrub and how expensive I was to take out last friday and he got nothing. I stopped him right there and said “Do you expect something?” Hes all “NO” and Im all “Well then why would you even say that?” Then he said “Oh seee, there you go again….”

Fuck it, I just sit there and think WOW, being with this guy would drive me batty. I cant even have a frickin convo without him interjecting crap all along the way. Hes constantly throwing jabs at me. And then dismissing them as a joke or what have you. I know all about that stuff from Domestic Violence counseling. The “I was just kidding” line.

So what is it?

Im still drawn to him.

He said “I miss your company” and finally toned down.

I said “We can still hang out” Hes all “Well you pulled away the other day when I tried to kiss you” I said “Things arent the same, I dont want to kiss you, I dont mind hanging out with you, but dont expect me to strip my clothes off and take you to the bedroom or anything like that”

So he said “Are we okay?” Im all “Yeah” He said “Well I just dont know whats going on with US?” I said “What do you mean with US?” He said “Well I want to start dating now” I said “Good for you, so date then” and I smiled at him. I dont think that was the response he wanted, by his facial expression. Like he was trying to upset me by saying that, I dont know.

The poor guy, he needs help so bad. Or else hes just gonna get into some crappy relationship. The insecurity and jealousy, WHEW, those are big problems with him. And that will kill a relationship so fast, or create so much frickin drama that can make a relationship abusive.

We went over and sat in my Jeep a little while more as I was cold. Turned the heater on, he had a banana and shared it with me. I do miss him.

What is it I miss?

I miss him coming over after the gym and having dinner with the kids and I. I miss the weekends when he cooked breakfast, made lunch, and we camped out on the living room floor watching home shows. I miss the playing board games with the kids, I miss his presence in that form. I could do my thing, and hed just park himself in the front room with the kids, talk to them, and help them assemble or fix things. How hed take out my trash, make my bed, get a chair and change out batteries in my smoke detector. Just that type of stuff. I know its not enough for a relationship, but thats the parts of the guy that I do like, and I admit to missing it. Missing that. Wanting to have him around, but then wondering if Im encouraging him to think its more. Am I playing with fire?

He did go with me to get the kids yesterday after school. I invited him to go, my kids even asked about him the day before. So he went with me, came in and did his smile and my oldest ran over to him. The sorta play boxed.

Then we went and dropped him off at his truck and said Good night.

Kids and I went home. And I was having this major internal battle last night, on wanting to call Gym guy and invite him over. I didnt do it. But I contemplated it big time.

Luckily B was online, and then we talked on the phone almost all evening. About so many things, about some of my confusion, about loneliness. How hed be willing to drive out to hang out with me. And I knew he would, but I felt like it was best I didnt.

So I made it the whole eve without having a guy over. But I really wanted to just BE with someone. And I knew in many regards, B was safe, he would not be all over me, hed sleep on the couch and all if I asked him too. Gym guy? I wouldnt know, I think hed still try to be close to me, kiss me, etc.

And there is this wierd sense of intrigue about him.

I dont know, part of me at times just wants to do what I want to do. Just go with it, but then I try to think through the consequences of it also.

My kids have been stressing me out also. So Mon and Tues nights were both stressful until they went to bed. They just started back after a 2 week vacation from school, and so its getting back into the routines. My oldest came home with a note saying he had 4 past homework assignments missing. I was not happy and made him do all 4 mon eve. He cried, and told me he was too tired, that he had a headache, got super dramatic, you name it, he tried it. But I was on him, and told him he had to get it done, that this is his fault and he has to make it up.

So that was stressful as he fought me the whole way.

Tuesday night my youngest in trouble at hte after school program for telling a boy “Im gonna beat you up” and then him saying “I was only kidding!” and the boy didnt take it my son was kidding. And the day prior he had to write” I will not talk in class” so I took his Yu Gi Oh cards and CD player away for a day last night, which he went into a tizzy fit over. And then he got all stupid with his homework and argumentative and talking back. Ugh, I had him in the corner crying.

So it was stressful, I ended up sending him to his room and told him I wanted it all clean, I just could not deal with the attitude, and I was getting really angry and frustrated because hes hard to get through too.

So Im just tired, I cant wait for the weekend.

B sent me more of his letters with his old teacher…

His letter is first…..

Leave it to good Ol YOU to bring a smile to my face.

>Thank you for your rather verbose response. =0)

>Its funny when Vicky and I first spoke about changing. I thought, Hell if

>anyone would know that you would.I can sit there and say ” I CAN

>CHANGE, I KNOW IT” yet it seems meaningless, but I KNOW it.She had said

>people have told her statistically people do not change. I laughed. I am

>not a statistic. I may fit in a mold but I am never that molded object.

>I wear suits, disguises take shapes and such, but I am not always what I

>seem to be. Just nice to know, I am not making it all up.

>YOu were right when you said I could just con my way through this, yet I

>will not do that.

>You would have been proud of me. I got candles and cleaned a large space

>in my room, put on nice music, and got her to dance with me. I cant dance

>but i did anyways. I cant sing, but I sung to her anyways. Its funny.Can

>you imagine me….me of all people doing that.LOL And it was easy.Awkward

>for a few seconds and then it just was, didnt matter that i cant sing or

>dance, it just flowed. hahahah =0). Thought Id share something you could

>appreciate.

>

>I am off to the gym soon. I will try and call you tonight to at least say

>happy new year in person instead of just a letter.

> Loves ya

> _b

Her response….

B—How’ life? Anything new with Albert Ellis? Have your discovered that you are really a softie underneath that gruff exterior, and now you need to reinvent yourself all over again?

You know, not only Madonna recreates herself at regular intervals! Some people (YOU) seem to have needed that renaissance as well.

One thing I did not share with you when we were writing about YOUR epiphany was how much Greg has changed. Vicky may be helped by the fact that YOU are not the only one who defies the statistics. Good grief…if I had listened to that logic, Greg and I would never have been able to get together.

As a matter of fact, in many ways, the old Greg would be unrecognizable to me….I don’t think you would have known him either. I did not know him before, but I believe he has always been kind and gentle, and loving. That kind of thing is a character trait. But behaviors CAN and WILL change….otherwise we might just as well give up the ghost.

For example, Greg has let me know that he NEVER opened the door for his first wife. He also never cooked. He was shoed out of the kitchen. He did not give extravagent gifts to his first wife (he admits to being rather “Scotch), and yet this man bought me a 33 carat sapphire necklace for my wedding gift.

Believe me, B, I hope he does not revert back to his old ways. But, indeed, he NEVER seems to be putting on an act when he does these wonderful, romantic things. I could not believe that this man who is so courtly and gentle never opened a car door before in his life.

Change?? He used to spend weeks, months away from his wife doing work for #####. When we first met, he said he could not afford two weekends to attend ******* seminars—work was too busy to permit that in his life. And so, I basically shook his hand, told him he was a nice man, wished him well, and bid him adieu. I let him know that I already had HAD a man who was gone all the time —My Husband was in Albuquerque for 4 years, coming home just on the weekend, and ignoring me the entire time while he reffed soccer. I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN DOING THAT again> BEEN THERE. DONE THAT.

When Greg decided he wanted ME in his life, he committed to making that change in his approach to life. He knew that he needed to BALANCE work with his private ife, but had not managed to do that. Frankly, I didn’t think that he could. I actually broke up with him, saying “I know you want to. But this is a life pattern. You can’t change that. It would only be temporary. Things like that are life-learned skills.”

So, he told me to WATCH HIM—Not to take him on his word, nor his promise.

And I did.

And he changed. Right before my eyes. Miracle!

Now he is home every weekend, and let’s them know that his private life has to take precedence, or he will have NO LIFE at all. Greg learned by losing a 27 year marriage. His wife actually said to him once, “When do I get to be the client.” He admitted to me that the things I was saying about My Ex Husband could easily have been said about him by his first wife. (This was NOT a good recommendation for a budding relationship.) But, he was candid, and said, “Dont take me at my word. I have promised that I will change, and I keep my word. Period.

He does not want to lose this second chance at happiness. And, he has been scrupulous about maintaining that promise to me.

So, while you are attempting to be the leopard changing his spots, remember that you are not alone.

And, tell Vicky that I believed in Greg….but I watched him make his word good. I did not just accept what he said. And, Neither did HE. He had a goal, and a mission…and he came through with flying colors.

He proved it to me, while he proved it to himself.

Frankly, most people would not have taken that chance on him. Especially if they had run away from such a man in the past. But, Greg deserved that opportunity. And, this is quite a leap of faith on MY part. I have, literally, staked my LIFE on the fact that I can believe what I have seen in this past year. I have MARRIED the man..and, I did not get a prenup, or anything. Just took him on faith that the man I witnessed change before my very eyes was the man he would always remain.

So, dear heart—when you talk about believing in change, you are talking to the right woman.

Yes, I also took YOU on large leaps of faith as well…but I was not risking my entire future on you.

You are asking Vicky to risk her FUTURE on you, B. So, you had better be prepared to step up to the plate. Your life may ride on it…but so does HERS, and so do her BOYS.

Where are you on THAT issue, my dear, if I may be so bold to ask?

I believe I said this over a year ago, so it bears repeating. If you are not prepared to be a GOOD FATHER to those boys, you should walk away. You are NOT the man for her.