HOPE
Dear Diary,
Just got in tonight from seeing B.
He wrote this…
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
It is so hard to watch you drive away. I can just stand there and smile. Happy memories flood my mind. YAY!
It is nice to see you. Sometimes I fear it is too nice. Fear to sink back into it. But I know It is not the same. There is no rush. No fear that perhaps I am too late. A fear perhaps that I cannot do everything that may be needed but I cannot worry about all of that just yet. I can worry about the things that I can deal with and let the rest come in time knowing that I can work on them and if need be compramise.I used to hate that word. Why would I ever want to give up something for someone else? YEt I can see that is what is needed in a realtionship. Realizing I am in love changes the world.Puts everything in a new light, a haze. Happy place it is to be.Its funny to hear you say I am the type of guy you like. It is just nice to hear it.
You just called me . Surprise =0). HAhaha It is nice to hear your voice. Yeah I know what ya mean it is hard to know what to say at this point. So much has been said. Good bad indifferant etc.I just want to sit on the phone and smile at you but that seems kinda silly doesnt it? I am happy.I see clearly again.Clearly enough that I see what I must do to be what I want to become. The person I had always dreamed Id be. It will take time I know but somehow I feel it will not be that long at all.Time always flys unless you sit on your ass waiting for it to do so.
It was so nice to wander around that store today.Looking at nic nacks. You were just so sexy wandering around pointing things out. MMMMM. Ya really do make me want to buy things I cannot afford. Some day…… =0):::MUAH::::
DOnt really want to prattle on and on and on.Im just all dopey and smiley and such.
Just want to say I love you.Life is good and for everything that cannot be taken care of right now, just stand with me in time and we will tackle it as it comes. You are my best friend, thank you for everything. =0)”
I know to many I may seem like the biggest fool here.
For believing this is for real. But it feels real, I cannot explain what it is like to sit and talk to him now, to hear him, to feel him, to see his eyes, to hear his kind words, to see his emotions, to see the man I first ran to back.
We are not back together still and he tells me there is no rush, take what time I need, hes not going anywhere, he loves me, and he knows hes found it in me, and hes willing to do what it takes. We even discussed if we do decide to give things a try again we will go to counseling together and he is all for it.
He cleaned his room, the first time its been clean since he pretty much moved into this place. I walked in and was all WOW. As it was inviting, instead of a mess and showing the life of a person who didnt care about much.
He bought candles! He wrote me a letter on the bed along with the 2 animals I gave him as gifts long ago. We played some songs for one another, I played “Fragile Heart” by Jewel and told him to be careful with me and we just hugged, cried, kissed, slow danced, talked, just stared at eachother.
We saw “House of Sand and Fog” and I cried,,,oooooh I cried, And next thing I know he is grabbing my tissue to wipe his eyes! Omgosh that movie was a tear jerker, very good, must see!
He said afterwards “Its been so long since Ive cried during a movie” I asked him which part? And we both started to loose it at the same scene.
We went to a NICE Italian Restaraunt today, So NICE. Not outrageously priced either! And wow it was beautiful, we have eaten next door before but never ventured here and now we cant wait to come back for a nice dress up eve and do wine and all. Omgosh the dessert was wonderful! The atmosphere fantastic!
We walked through the mall, going through furniture stores together. Later he took me to a Cost Plus store, Id never been and I went all nuts over some of the stuff that I wanted and got ideas for decorating with. We are talking FUTURE, granted not that we are saying we are together and will be together, but if we were what would we each want, what are our ideas, hopes, dreams, etc. We discussed home, and work and children.
We made love, and made love, and made love. His libido is back, tenfold. WOW.
He is exercising and taking vitamins and a supplement to help with his testosterone levels. I knew he was doing that when we first started to date, and its like WOW.
We just sat and kissed, kissed in ways we have not kissed in so long, loving every moment and savoring it, I cannot even describe, utter heart, softness, romantic, just wonderful. Sitting there staring at one another.
Making love for a long time and just talking to one another during it about the things we love about one another.
We have been through so much, My first year leaving my ex and being undecided. Leaving him twice to go back to my ex yet all the while B was still myb est friend and confidant, I still phoned him regularly. He was my safe haven, my place to share and cry and talk.
Anyways, I dont know what else to say. Other then I have some HOPE.
Maybe foolish, and believe me of all the skeptics it is me, I sat there today and told him this once again how this is difficult to believe but I can only judge the person and actions before me. And he hasnt waivered, its been over a month now and hes not turned on me and taken it back thus far….
Im really hopeful, I am