Having Children

Dear Diary,

Im sitting here alone tonight, yes the kids are camped out in their pajamas watching cartoons surrounding by their new legos sent from their Father. But I am here alone in my office just me and my thoughts, Kevin Max is singing in the background “Angel Without Wings” Im in my jammies with a fleece Bugs Bunny blanket wrapped around me, sitting in this stiff chair of mine.

Boyfriend is out of town traveling for a job tonight. He will be on the road late and tired when he gets home which will most likely be around 1am or later so not sure if I will hear from him. Its like we talk so much, some days we just dont talk, like today for example, even tho we are both online, we just send “I love yous” Cyber hugs, silly things like that. Im really ok with not always talking, I just think about how different love is this time. Its not about neediness.

I have found that I often change the radio station when some love songs come on. Now its not because they bring up bad thoughts or anything like that, its just the way love is portrayed in some songs. Its just so common in our culture to view love as “Your MINE, I cant Live without you, Now granted those are sweet, when said without a person who views love as Obsession and a person as a Possession. Boyfriend has taught me so much about that. Im a PERSON, not a THING.

I wrestled so much this last year with being with this man, from saying I wanted a divorce and not feel guilty or that Ive wronged my God and my Faith. I remember Marcella wrote once about the Boyfriend being a blessing from God, just not the way I had thought God would bless me. And she was correct.

I thought about my sisters today. Both are on their second marriages. Middle sister lost her husband to a tragic asthma attack in the hallway late at night. It was so painful for the entire family because everyone really loved her husband. He died in Oct and sis didnt come for holidays that year, which I understand now, its tough to be at those events that you always shared with a spouse and to feel alone is hard. She spent it at a cabin with some friends, I didnt know at the time, but her second husband. My sister dated only him and they married a few years later. She didnt see anyone else. He was with her as a friend and support after her husbands death.

Then my oldest sister who stayed in a abusive marriage for 12 yrs. She left him several times, but always going back, just as many of us have done, they say they will change, woo us back then it is short lived and the behavior just gets worse. She moved into the apartments she and her Ex owned and their met her now second husband, who she actually rented to. During her nasty divorce process she moved in with him, she told me “I was such a mess, all I could do was work, come home crawl in bed and sleep” Her ex was terrible, and her then boyfriend she said fed her, did her laundry and woke her up for work. Yes he took care of her. He is 9 yrs younger than her, about my age. Now they are married. But she never told the family. Im the only one who knows. I dont really see why to carry this on so long. They have been married for over 3 yrs now. So you can see deep down she still doesnt want to hear flack from family members, but then again I wonder the significance of her hiding this, I wonder if her second marriage will make it at times because I can see disatisfaction in her. But who knows. My point in all this is I have noticed we are not the kind of women to go out and play the field. We do well with being with ONE person in a commited relationship, and often the person we commit to we stay with.

Wow will I spend the rest of my life with Boyfriend? I know I know thats projecting to far ahead. But we do talk about things. I of course will not do as my sister and do the early on living together thing. I like having my own home, I like that space. And Im sorry but theres no way Im losing out on my Alimony! I may sound catty but I spent all those years as a stay home Mother and didnt work and carried so much responsibility. I deserve every penny for what I went thru with my Ex.

Boyfriend and I discussed children the other day when he was here. We pretty much have the same view on it. I told him I would only have one more child before closing up shop. Or no child at all. He also said he cant see himself having more than one. He would want a vasectomy. He is very good about protection and taking those factors into consideration. He is a twin though, but Ive heard before it usually skips a generation? Not sure if thats how it always is, so eeks could that me hes a Twin sperm carrier! haha

I did tell him my only fear in having another one is work. Now that i have to support myself and I love my job, it would be tough for me. I cannot place my own baby in childcare. I stayed home with both of my children until they started preschool. I know how I am with my own babies, nobody can love them like I would, and I just couldnt imagine not being with mine.

Now NO Im in no hurry for children, but these are things and thoughts that do come up and bring interesting conversation. Heck if I ever end up having another my others will be old enough to help me and babysit!

Oh and my friday plan is cancelled. 🙁 The practice restaraunt opening is being moved up, I guess a jackhammer hit a pipe or something with the building and now they have to do repairs so the place cant open yet. Soooo wouldnt ya know things happen like that? ::Sigh:: Oh well, But its ok stuff happens.