Love Remains

Dear Diary,

I went to the gym, did some errands, some shopping, home cleaning up before heading out to the valley to see B.

We are going to see House of Sand and Fog tonight and Im going to stay over, tomm want to go shopping and hes excited to go with.

As Im cleaning my house, Im sifting over all thats been occurring as of late, the breakup, the hurt I felt, the feeling B is just this way and I had to accept it to be with him. And I couldnt any longer.

Ending it, having a man I was intensly attracted to in my arms and desirous of my time in a way B wasnt, was a nice feeling. Then seeing it creeping over a normal line of wanting to get to know a person to wanting to be with me whenever he could and he admitted himself to me he was trying to “Possess” me.

Thinking of all B has done and said.

I know that we love one another.

I have never doubted that since day 1.

Just realizing how much he does love me.

It makes me want to cry.

He has researched that there is a van pool to his work from my area. He has told me if we are to give us a try again he can move out here, not even talking us living together but close to one another.

He and I have talked about what it would be like living together, we have talked about what we want for our futures, we have talked about marriage, we have talked about so many topics, just seeing where we are at as two people.

B has said he doesnt want to return to what he was, STUCK is the way he puts it. He said he doesnt need to be there anymore, how he feels partly to blame for whats occurred in my life, I tell him no, my choices are my own. He says “Yes but if I had been there for you none of this would have happened” and he said he doesnt want to see me hurt.

He has had to sit alone and cry and miss me and not hear for me for days, he has had to use the pen and paper as a way to express his thoughts again, he is writing me long letters the way he used to, he is making efforts to be around my kids and not be a jerk about it. He is kind again.

He loves me.

He really does love me.

All the things we have discussed and shared.

He does love me.

Will I get back that feeling also? Of knowing he is all that I want?

He has that in his head, and hes told me that he knows he wants to spend his life with me. I told him how I would say “B and I are doing well, the relationship is okay for RIGHT NOW” as I just didnt see much of a future unless it just contined and I accepted this distant, once a week to every 2 week see one another, phone calls when hes in the mood for it deal. Lack of invites and time with my kids, not there for important events, etc.

And now hes all “Victoria, you are right, you deserve better then that and deserve to be cherished” Hes embarrassed and ashamed for what he did and how he treated me. And as I said, talking to him now, I just say WHO ARE YOU???

At times I even get unsettled that hes too nice, and I miss his edge.

I told him to not over do it, I told him to take care of himself. I told him to be who he is, but the things that upset me and I dont like be considerate about.

Ive told him not to put up with BS from me either. Ive told him to tell me if Im out of line or I hurt him. Ive told him to give me some space and dont go to the other extreme, or else I will pull away also. Dont smother me.

He is patient, he lets me talk, he lets me cry, he holds me, he is just wanting to take care of me now.

And yes its so nice yet scary. To actually get what it was you wanted NOW after you threw in the towel and let it go. Its an adjustment emotionally and I have told him over and over Im not totally back, that I do love him though, just that I dont have the certainty that he has. And he tells me thats okay, he understands it will take time, that hes not going anywhere unless I tell him to and that what he is doing is unacceptable. But he said he cannot quit, he loves me.

If you saw what he is right now and what he was before, youd be amazed also. The guy freakin cries and gets emotional, Hes reading books again, bought like 4, hes reading one that his therapist wanted for him on Cognitive therapy. He showed up to the New years event with his backpack and a puppy stuffed animal I gave him long ago popping out of the side pocket.

Okay I gotta get moving, gotta head out to his place.

Laters