And So It Goes

Dear Diary,

Morning. I walked into the bathroom this AM and just smiled in the mirror at myself. Hello to me, and Im okay with who I am.

Im okay spending the night alone when I very well could have it otherwise.

I got off work early on New Years Eve, took a 45 min nap before heading out of town with the kids. I had very little sleep that night prior with the event with Gym Dude occurring and crying and on the phone with B.

So I needed a quick nap, then we headed out. Picked up B, and he took over the drive since he knows the area of Long Beach and routes to try to avoid as much traffic as was possible. We still hit it. So the kids were pretty squirmy towards the end since theyd been in the vehicle from 2:30-5:30. EEEEKS

B wrote me a LONG letter, and gave it to me, it was like 8 pages, so I just read, it was cool. :)We talked about various things on the drive.

Got to the Aquarium, and well, i have to say, it was a great night. Not super thrilling but perfect in so many ways. It was small, small group of about under 50 of us, parents and children. Low key, the place is huge but closed down so no hustle, bustle, crowds, etc.

The kids could totally be kids as this was so tailored for them. My youngest made a best buddy who they walked around with their arms around eachothers shoulders, but my little one adopted the phrase “Hey Homie!” and well, lol that put off this other mother. I have no idea why my little one kept saying that.

They had crafts, and tours, and a 3D movie, and snacks, pizza for dinner, touching small sea animals, cookie decorating, then we met up top at the cafe for New years where they had the hats, horns, plastic wine glasses with Apple Cider, and we could stay up to see the fireworks display from the Queen Mary Ship just across the way.

B and I stood on the ledge as my little mosters ran around tooting horns with all the other children like mad men and B kissed me at Midnight, we have not kissed in over a month. And he just held me and kissed me.

He was so good that night, We have a joke now and I tell him “Who are you?” and he said hes B’s twin brother and he did away with the evil B.

Because its just so different, hes so different now. Hes open, and kind, and trying and not shooting down everything with negativity but now his words are of change and hope.

And its been consitant so far.

We were able to sleep in our choice of areas for the night and the children could even sleep right up against the large tanks. B and I were over to the side a little and the kids camped out with their new friend a few feet away.

The floor was super hard so it wasnt the greatest nights sleep, we got to bed probably around 1am and were up around 6am. B was up and chatty. I even commented “Wow you are chatty this AM” he was sharing how he felt about Gym Guy, that he felt he had a better body then he did, that he knew in some sense it was a silly fear, but felt that this guy has this area better than him and it made him feel insecure. The thing with B and I, we can pretty much share anything, and I still fear his response at times, but usually its nothing to fear, we can both handle talking and truth. Its just he was so negative and shut off that he wasnt open for sometime to where I just dreaded trying.

Its the old parts of him back, the ones I first was with.

We had breakfast and then went to the sea otters where they said they are active early in the AM. This female otter would come up to the glass and I got to put my hand up and swirl it around in large circles and she would follow and do twirls in the water, she was so cute, everyone enjoyed her.

The kids so didnt want to leave they had so much fun. They got to make tshirts with sea life imprints and a book to take home.

The passed out on the drive, the roads were bare as it was 8am New Years day. It was so peaceful out.

And I wasnt sure if wed just drop B off at home now? Or did I want him to come to my house? But then eventually Id have to drive him back home as hed not have his car, and I wasnt sure I wanted him around ALL WEEKEND. Im still a little weird lately, around anyone around, I want it less now, I want my alone time, I get overwhelmed and uncomfortable with too much togetherness, funny eh?

So I invited B over and said we could take him home that eve or something, just wing it, but he said whatever is fine with him, whenever I need a break say the word and he understands.

I got home and hopped in the bathtub, he took a shower, the kids went next door to play, as they werent so sleep deprived as us adults and they slept on the drives there and back.

Well we just crawled in bed and it felt so good and snuggled and I so badly wanted to kiss B.

I just wanted him to kiss me.

Well the kids were out all day, and B and I got in bed at 10am or so, and didnt sleep until about 3-5:30pm! So all that time before we snuggled, and then kissed, and then touched one another again, and then had some big talks, about Gym guy, the sexual aspect of what occurred, about safety, etc etc. I was so scared. Thinking he would not feel the same about me, but he said “Vicky, I love you, I want to make love to you, of course we will use a condomn”

And then I kinda got weird and just wanted to be held and talk and I wanted to cry, it felt like so long and so strange to make love to him again. I was no longer just operating on my body and being horny, but the powerful feelings that sex can hold.

And we did, and he was wonderful, and I was so in a different way appreciative of his body, I was so much more aware of him, how many things one can take for granted. He also told me he understood I have a lot, and that because we had sex it did not mean we were back together if that was my fear.

We got up and got ready, got the kids from neighbors and went out for Thai food, then decided to have B stay that night and take him home Fri. Omgosh, he gave me the most FABULOUS body massage! I kid you not I was so out of it, tired, exhausted, I think from days of lack of sleep, emotional exhaustion, and then just crashing down and feeling safe with B, omgosh I was drifting in and out of consciousness, into dreams, saying weird things, and well I just passed out, slept so heavily when I woke to turn it was so hard as my body felt so heavy. B told me in the AM I was blurting out things like “Marching Band”

LOL as he was massaging me. I could correlate this feeling to going into the massage place I go to, as Ive been their twice and fell asleep once and the last time I started to dream in the midst of it something silly and started to laugh but that woke me up.

It was so nice though, to drift off that way…

I was on edge to a degree, that Gym Guy would stop by. I wasnt sure what to expect with him.

He phoned once the last 2 days but left no message, just saw his number on my cell.

I told B I felt I needed to talk with him, just felt so unfinished the way we last spoke and I needed some time before I did also. B just said to be careful and do it in a public place and I agreed.

So we drove B home friday. Then dropped the kids off with ex after I got back in town. Gym GUy called me on the drive to take B home and he said “I want to tell you Im sorry, I hurt you, and I didnt ever mean to do that” I asked him if we could talk later, and he said okay.

So I was at home friday and he phoned around 5:30pm. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner, and I said okay, but I told him what time and that I would meet him there(separate vehicles) and so we met up at 6:15pm at Chilis. Ran into another guy at the gym there as I came in talking to him, i was at the Everclear concert with this other dude so we chit chat some now at the gym as we met that night up front in the pit. Hes a cool guy .

So it was a little awkward, we sat down to wait to be called and he just told me how nice I looked how beautiful I am, how hes sorry for what he did.

We finally got our table.

He told me “I did the one thing I said I would not do, I violated one of my own personal cardinal sins, trying to posses someone. When I got home that night I realized how wrong what I did was, but I didnt understand why I did that? I had to dissect it. I have not let my guard down for so long and cared about anyone, and its different with you.”

Then we walked through what happened. He said “I hope you can forgive me” I said “I can, but it doesnt mean I will forget and things will be the same, I can understand jealousy or you being upset and expressing it, but to make a demand on a person and their body as PROOF they want to be with you is simply wrong and scary. You have told me Im beautiful in my heart and mind and that you are attracted to that, and then you went and did this?”

He said “Yes I know, I dont want to loose you even as a friend Vicky” I said “Well, can you handle just having me as a friend?” He kinda was bummed I could see it but he said Yes. And I said “Okay, and dont you ever do anything like this again, if one is sorry they dont repeat the same action”

I also went into some talk of telling him he has some issues to deal with, and that I cannot be the one to help him.

Gonna take a break finish rest later….