Put things in Perspective

Dear Diary,

Well I got home from work yesterday to a bill from my attorney. I was a bit puzzled. I owe? huh? It was for $65.

Then I read my retainer is gone. OUCH. I had really no idea. I went and got all my statements and yes, it is GONE. My last attorney never mailed me anything or copies or break downs, so now I see how quickly the money GOES! Also $30 of it was for my ex calling my attorney. My sister warned me about this, said her ex kept calling her attorney all the time, and she had to pay for it. Im not sure if there is anything I can do to stop that? Now I dont want to contact my attorney either unless its necessary because it will all be out of my pocket now. :::Sigh:::

So Im just letting things lay where they are right now. My ex has to be way over his retainer, thats why he made the call and he probably owes his attorney now. I know Im gonna have to fork out some more money eventually. I want to be represented with this house matter. It was the WHOLE REASON I hired an attorney to begin with, and funny how that isnt even settled yet, 2 attorneys and $5000 later. But I do have a the custody and support orders done, so at least something has been accomplished since I hired the new guy.

So either my ex will attempt to come in and settle, or else it will go to court, and be done there. Im really not worried to be honest at this point. I have the leverage here. I have documentation on everything. And the more he doesnt pay and lets things lapse, the more he hangs himself. Hell he may still end up owing me back money even after the house equity is negotiated! At this rate!

I went to counseling, and was just discussing my frustration with this limbo state Im in. Mainly due to finances. And its basically a WAIT process Im in, and yeah I DONT LIKE IT!

Money is getting tight now, Ive had No money for 2 weeks. Other then B giving me the $20 and the only reason I could go out last weekend was because T paid for everything. Ive been able to manage with the food I have left. Amazing how one can spread things out. And my kids are on reduced rate lunches at school because of our income, so its 80 cents a day for both kids, plus they get healthy snacks and milk at the after school program. So dinner is in my hands each day. I know I should just tell my Mom, I just hate going to her, its pride. And I feel she is doing so much. Legal fees, kids dental, childcare for offtrack. So I havent told her. My counselor gave me the number for the resource center and said to call about getting grocery donations. I just need food really to get me over some of these lulls. And I keep telling myself to see if I can get foodstamps. I was in the store the other day gettign a package of cookies for my little ones school party and a girl was using food stamps and all that and the line was held up for so long, and I just dread being in that place. Its pride. Im embarrassed, and we by no means look poor. There is another woman in my group who does get food stamps. She is going to graduate school to become a Dr! But right now she is barely making it financially and gets assistance and said how she goes late at night shopping because she gets embarrassed and gets dirty looks from women. So its like if you look poor you get looked at for not being able to support yourself, if you look decent and have assistance you get glared at because people think you are taking advantage of the system.

So T was talking to me last night. I was rambling about my frustrations.

Its like here are options. I look for a roomate.

Pros- Will help me financially to pay half my mortgage.

Cons- I loose my privacy

Can I trust this person with me and my kids and our things, will they steal?

Will also show my income is higher and that someone lives with me while Im in the middle of the legal process getting settled, so it can impact my support payments and make everything lower.

Get a new job that pays more

Pros- More Income

Cons- May have to commute, ny job now is close

Will have to start from scratch

Will it have health ins? Will I have to wait to get reinstated?

Will it be flexible with my children, my current employers let me get away for any children events or sicknesses and dont have to worry about job firing me

Work from home

Pro-More Income

Cons- will impact my income right now, will show on bank statements etc, that income isnt predictable, can go up and down and can also impact things legally until divorce is final and matters settled.

So basically I highly doubt anything will be settled with the divorce this Year at the rate my ex is going and they still have not given me word for a court date and they said it can take up to 3 months to get one. Plus our courthouse is being moved soon, a brand new one has been in the works and is near completion. So Im sure that is going to cause even more delays.

I will get a really nice tax refund but that wont be until next year and that will save my butt big time financially.

Interest rates on Home Loans are LOW here, I could reduce my rate greatly and lower my house payments, but I cant until I get my ex off the loan. 🙁

So these are all the things that have me in Limbo.

And for the home business of self employment stuff my accountant advised me wait till all legal matters are finalized. So that is another WAIT thing.

So T was saying he wanted to help me. He asked me if I needed money. I said all I really want now is groceries. So he said he wanted to help me and to take it, So he is sending me a $50 check out. I found it really sweet. But he also kept saying “Vicky I feel bad for you, here I am a guy who is single, I like kids, I have a decent job, and nobody to share that with. Where can I find a nice girl?” I just told him to stop worrying about finding a woman(heck go work on your drinking problem) Hes a nice guy, and I think thats maybe why the last girl was seeing him. She was basically in same situation as me, one child though, abusive ex who wasnt helping financially. But I found out T was giving her money all the time, and she would only see him in person once a month and this was his girlfriend? It was just a strange situation, so I think she was just using him for the cash all that time to be honest. But I didnt refuse money for groceries.

I was online last night talking to T, then B popped on, then after that Music Dude, the Spy Guy! haha I had 4 Message boxes going. Music dude and I have been hit and miss past few days no time for us to talk. He did say his trip was a blast, but now hes so behind with work stuff.

So I shared with Spy Dude my frustration. So here is the convo.

Him: Stuck huh?

Me: naw jsut financial, legal, ex stuff

Him: How so?

Me: I need more income

Him: I C

Me: but im stuck, so im frustrated, dont really see any option at this point

Him: You want a good perspective?

Me: sure

Him: I was in this place – and I’ll keep at just that – Pretty harry. People lived there… .. city was basically bombed out and just tore up

I remember that this woman who lived in what used to.. … be her home (plie of rubble and some walls) .. took care of 3 kids (husband was dead)

She went every day through a “free fire zone” (snipers and milita were active) .. to get water .. just to get water. Day before I left I heard that she was shot in the head.

Since then I just put things into perspective. Ya know, pretty much 3/4 of the worlds popultaion lives that way.

.. in one form or another. They would kill thier grandma to be here in the US

Me: yeah,

so what do I do? Start selling off our stuff?

Him: The best you can. Know that you are doing the best you can.

Me: yeah

Him: God, me, you, anyone else couldn’t ask of anything more than your best.

Me: I guess its a pride thing I want to make it on my own I have somewhat, but Im in need of help

Him: Sometimes, thats just life. But when you boil it down to the basics… at least youre not risking your life just to get a few gallons of water

Me: yeah

Him: You ever thought about non-profit orgs – or maybe govt or state assitance?

Me: yeah

Him: The great thing about the US is that there is always some kind of aid.

Me: thats the pride thing , standing in line with food stamps looking embarrassed I know its nothing like u said . Well, the pride thing is one thing. But reality and doing the right thing is another. So what? Stand in line – tape them to your head

Me: I know , Thank u

Him: I know who you are – and I tell you what – people that see you “in line” see a woman who is taking on a whole lot by herself

Him: … If your ex had the sack to take on the responsibility maybe you wouln’t be in the fix. But you have the sack to do it. Gut it out and rase 2 kids. Make ends meet and to what it takes… you got balls of steel, to be blunt. I don’t see anyone else standing there helping you out. Take a lot of guts to be you.

Me: thank u

Him: You should give yourself that credit. No doubt in my mind that you have earned it. : Youre welcome. The sad thing about life is that it is rarely fair.

Sigh, so its hard to complain when you realize how bad you dont have it you know?

So I just will hang in there and be creative for now. My counselor did give me more of the donated books the outreach had and told me to use them to sell. So I took some of these computer related and medical related books. Wow! I put them on Half.com last night. I can get $30 per book, just a matter of waiting until a buyer picks them up though. But I thanked her. 🙂 She also suggested I try swap meets of flea markets with stuff I have, which is an option I will have to look into and was thinking about for awhile.

Whew, Ill write more later, enuff for now!