Whining Need Friends

Dear Diary,

Just waiting to leave. Going to go to moms for dinner, then shes taking my oldest overnight for a sleepover. Tomorrow hes gonna go over to a old classmates house to play. So Ill have just my little one the rest of the weekend.

I sat home last night, played on the computer and watched TV. B came online but seemed preoccupied. Then he just signed off without saying bye or he was going or anything and didnt return. I hate that. Its not like we are just buddies. Im his partner, and I do appreciate a “Hey, im gonna go, bye love ya” He called me after 10pm. Said he went to go watch movies with 2 of the guys, he called me to say goodnight.

T was hounding me online all night asking me why I wasnt seeing B. I said “His car remember?” Hes all “So go down there” I said “with my kids? And he said he is probably working saturday morning” He said “Well go get him” Im like “Not if he has to head for work at 5am! That will mean Id have to wake up at 4am just to get him home in time” T kept at me “How long are you gonna put up with this?” I told him to back off, he said hes just trying to show me there is a life out there (yeah whatever hes last person to talk) I said “Im not even talking about B and YOU bring it up. I dont want to talk about it ok?”

He backed off finally, then started asking how he can find a girl like me, blah blah blah. It was getting annoying. Then we started talking about cool places to go and visit, that was fun. But I know hed jump at the chance and take me any of the places I named. And yeah briefly I though about accepting an offer were he to make one. Heck a guy wants to take me and my kids to a museum? Pay for me to stay a weekend in a beach house? But then again as much as he says “Were friends” he wants more. But then part of me is so desperate to get out and do things, and hell the guy wants to pay,,, eh, anyways.

I did start to feel very lonely last night. Wondered what it would be like to have a man in my home on a more regular basis that I was dating, Who came to see me more often.

I got in bed with my bear from B. I watched a show on PBS , something like 1883 it was called, putting modern day families in a situation to live like people did in that time. It was really interesting and it helped me forget about B. Then that was when he called, while I was watching it. He was tired, and said he wasnt working his other job in the AM. 🙁 I had told him last week I would come down there or he could call me when he has a free time and Id drive over. So I was bummed. We said goodnight. I was up a bit last night, couldnt sleep.

Kids woke me up at 7:30am today and I couldnt fall back asleep.Grrrr! So I watched TV till 9am. B then called me before leaving to work on the car. So today I just played online. I just feel alone again, even with my online friends. I dont see music dude on every evening like it used to be for so long. Hes got a female interest now so I have lost my chat buddy also. So its hard to make good friends, especially online. I met music dude about 2 yrs ago and he Messaged me. He reminded me of our first chat. He asked me “Do you like clowns?” haha. I totally forgot thats how we started to talk, and I called him on the phone that night, there was a party at his place, he wasnt in the mood for it and he talked to me outside on the phone.

I do think of him off and on throughout my day. I do think of Mr Comedy now and then also. Just about men I have met. How things were so close, how much we talked, how much fun, and then it ends. But both situations I have been with B, feeling alone and emotionally starved, and these are men who are more in a hurry for Mr Comedy it was he wanted to find a wife, and Music dude, well I believe its sex. And well if I cant offer it to them within a month, they didnt have the patience. So guess it was weird from both our ends.

I have been incredibly lonely and sad this weekend. I dont let on with B. I did call him though today and said I was missing him, but implied it in a sexual tone. I left it on his voice mail. And Im sure Im hormonal and getting my period. Ive been weepy, horny, all that. And just so sad how much I dont see my boyfriend. Yet how I keep myself in this. And at the same time Im still trying to wait and part of me wants to wait.

B called me a bit ago. Good news with the car, he said it might possibly be running tomorrow, he will still have some more things to repair, but he will get paid Mon and can by the remaining parts. So I tell myself to wait for the car to be done. See how it is then? Why do I believe it will change? Past behavior shows different, but I still have some hope?

The only other guy Im kinda getting to know is Drool man. But he also just oohs and ahhs my lips, eyes, hair, smile from my pictures. I want someone to TALK to and sometimes hes just so goofy, but then again its online chat, some people are different here then in person or the telephone.

So next weekend will be my free weekend. I will get paid also that friday, WHEW! I dont plan to spend any big money doing anything, but I can afford the gas to go someplace. But where? And stay with Who? San Diego? Call my girlfriend? Then meet drool dude? or Go up North? Naw, will go another weekend with the kids to see her kids also.

I lack friends. I lack friends who can go out and just take off for a weekend.

I am just whining right now. Im tired of being alone, yet dont really know what to do about it. And yes, I know Im not ALONE, Im lonely for ADULT friendship, companionship, interaction.

Why is it I meet guys who are comfortable with not being Emotionally or physically available? Ok wait, let me rephrase that, why am I attracted to and date those types?