I am Weak

Dear Diary,

Well I caved in, Im so weak. I called B.

He was just hanging out all this time?? Im like, you told me you were going to the bathroom over 4 hrs ago and would be right back and logged off. He laughed that he had forgotten and just assumed I logged off.

He said I sounded sad, and I said “Yeah, I just miss you” and he did his aweeee and I miss you too. I guess I just am wanting to hear “So how about I come out tomorrow to see you?” But heard none of that.

And yeah I could have asked, but Im so fricking tired of iniating.

I want to hear Im missed and wanted, and desired and want to be seen.

Im pissy right now. Its about 1am, and whenever Im emotional and up late, its a poor combo, so its best I just come and vent it out here where its safe for me to do so.

I was laying in bed after we hung up and saying “What is wrong with me???”

I am so tired of analyzing, reading books to figure out why Im home so damn much, why I wait around, why I dont have people to hang out with? Why the only other people I can seem to call to do stuff with are men who are interested in me sexually.

I remember when I last went out with Music Dude, we went to dinner and watched TV at my house, and I ended up missing B thru it, being reminded of B everywhere, and finally just wanted the guy to go home.

And its all due to the sexual pressure, guys like to be there for you when your down or sad or upset at your man, cause you are vulnerable and they try to make their IN with you, which fucking sucks, I just need a friend dammit!

Im envious of B, that he has a guy friend to go to a concert with in a week, and then he tells me his other old best friend called him today after yrs of not talking and the guy is going to the concert also, so hes gonna have this guy reunion thing there.

And I feel so lame. I just go silent, I feel like a retard you know at how silly my responses are, And those are my issues but I cant seem to break out of this thing Im in. I want to, I just dont know how?????

I sit here and try to formulate ideas of things to do, and I dont know,,, I dont know. I feel so pathetic!

Here I am at a prime age in my life with the world ahead of me and wide open and Im some fucking homebody who hates being one half the time. Yet I stay this way, I guess cause its SAFE. But Im constantly upset about it.

I tried called Military Dudes last number he gave me. Its just a forwarded voice mail. I just wanted to see if he was back. I dont know. I didnt leave a message since last time I did he never got it because they had been building up for so many months they get deleted after a time he said.

Well Im gonna go attempt to try and find some stranger to chat with online tonight.

Hoping to feel better in the AM.

Niters