Lonesome Mood

Dear Diary,

Im in a crappy mood tonight. I just need to type it out, kinda just do my best to deal with it, I can say it is most likely fleeting. Ill feel different in the AM, but that doesnt make right now any better.

So bare with me friends, as this is just me at the moment.

I feel depressed. That same feel I get when B leaves to go home after his weekend coming here. I was ok this AM leaving there. Its just tonight. I feel lame, but I just miss having someone around. Yet at the same time am scared to death to have someone around in a full time relationship capacity.

Loneliness sucks, you feel it alone, you feel it with someone there.

I feel like a totally sucky mom at the moment. I just want B here. I just want him to surprise me and say how he had to be with me again.

Can I keep doing this? I do look down the line with B, because well its the normal progression. And I wonder where is it going?

I feel its going somewhere but will take a lot of time.

I think about my ex, the card upset me, it hurt. The nice card from him, the gift for me from the kids he bought. WHY?

Then hes back at the womans house again I know who dumped a few mos ago. The kids told me they went to her house for Easter.

I guess it feels nice in some ways to somewhat see my ex treat me decent. And when he got together with her he was such a Jerk.

At times I think of what ex and I did have in common, how I miss some parts of that.

We both liked to site see, go for drives, travel, check out old places.

He wanted to spend so much time with me ( too much )

He wanted sex often ( too much)

God its like everything is a constant fucking extreme!

Im just a zombie tonight. I crawled in bed, just laying there with my teddy bear from B and my flowers beside my bed. With my new pillow for neck support that B bought me from Costco.

My oldest came in and put the bunny the kids got me in bed with me also. They love me, and I feel like such a blah Mom whos all into herself at the moment and just wants a partner around again.

I think its my diet today thats screwing with my mind. I get low blood sugar, and I need to eat protein. But theres not much in the fridge, I dont want to go out. I just made a protein shake, but cant feel it helping much. I had one wine cooler left in the fridge, opened it and sat down with a bowl of popcorn. But then decided against the wine cooler, going down the drain since I already opened it.

Just the protein shake and the popcorn, what a combo eh?

I can crawl back in bed, I will in a few min.

Some local guy is talking to me online, hes in town, hes 35, except hes divorced and play Mr Mom to 4 Kids! Eeeks I get scared off just at the thought!

But we are chit chatting.

I wish I could get another job, make more income, move, what have you.

Yeah I wish I was closer to B.