I Miss Him

Dear Diary,

This jumped out at me from the thing I read the other day. From Dr Phil.

Strategy: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn’t care less about thoughts without actions.

Talk is cheap. It’s what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must call upon yourself to leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.

It totally speaks to me. It hits it on the head!

Its where I am at. Im at a crossroads. Of jumping off into the unknown again and facing my fears. I havent dont anything yet, but its like Im on the diving board, debating do I jump or do I stay put?

Its tough for me, Im in a place of pain and hurting. I walk around it seems most nights and wonder what B is doing. I wonder why I dont hear from him. 🙁 I wonder if he thinks of me. Meanwhile music dude has been filling the need of my friend and confidant these days online or on the phone. He is being there, and it makes me sad in a way. Because Im seeing how needs are being met elsewhere, when i want them to come from B, but B is not able to provide. I cannot make him, and I guess I hate feeling this loss. Its like I havent even broken up with B but I feel like Im grieving a loss of him more and more each day. Today I felt like crying as I just sat here. I miss the excitement of hearing from him each day. I miss hearing him happy to talk to me. I miss our conversations where we could talk for hours. I miss B. Hes always been different and withdrawn to some degree, but not its getting worse. And I commented today on how I spoke with him 2 weeks ago about how I wasnt cool with it and how I was hurting, and B listened and said he understood and agreed and that he needed to be held accountable. He woke up that next day all motivated to find a job and all, but that was the extent of it. I only really heard that in one day. Not much since. And how can I even know if he is “Working on it” which is his cliche response anymore if he has nothing to share with me about the work he is doing?

To me that is what a relationship includes, learning, sharing, being vulnerable. How can I be a help, encouragment, support if I am not allowed into his thoughts or what is going on? If Im just there for when he wants me? Im sad. I want to be there and help, but B has to first off even see he needs that himself.

I lay in bed each day, I lay there a few hours ago, it makes me cry just thinking about it. I hold B’s teddy bear he gave me, it means so much to me and its all I wanted from him, something to hold when he is not here. But a bear isnt enough. But the bear does make me sad, because when you push the paw, it says “Hi Babe, dont forget that I love you” the message b recorded for it.

Oh God the tears are pouring down my face and my neck. 🙁

I miss him so much.