Sexual Behavior

Dear Diary,


Just having a break, I feel at times, those of you my long time readers, I wonder what is running thru your minds as I type entries, haha.


Like do you all cringe each time I give B a chance?


I think about people telling me I give a person too many chances. I guess I believe in chances to make things right, but as long as they are followed up with actions. And the past has been actions that werent enough, and as a result I ended up breaking off the exclusive dating factor with B.


I do listen to myself when I speak to people about B. I tell them I do love him and I know he loves me, that is never a doubt. And I guess ultimately of course Id like things to work out with HIM. Theres just a lot of major things that arent going ok, despite the wonderful things between us.


The fact that the man drove out, I guess meant a lot to me, and the words he said last night. But yes I need to see those words played out by real live actions. And I guess thats where I am at.


I forgot the CD today, 🙁 wanted to take it to work and listen to it. B had said to me “I made you a CD of Tori Amos” and he left that at the door for me yesterday. He had said this ” I made you this CD, because I thought of how people have been telling you that you look like her, and she is actually on my top 3 list of singers. She is #2. I dont know any other men really who like her like I do, and I do see the resemblance between you 2, she has this music that is so painful yet beautiful with a feeling of hope to it”


B and I have had a special bond. Where it will all lead to in the future is very uncertain to me. I love that man dearly. I had sent pics to Mr C of B and I. He said “Wow I had no idea he was so strong, he looks like such a bad boy, but in those pictures I can also see is very loving, that you soften him up”


B has the most gentle physical touch. It truly is a special thing, whether its cuddling or making love, he is SOOO WARM. And it was always my memory about him even prior to us dating, his hugs, and hes always been known for them. We talked this AM, hes been writing every morning first thing. He has to write 3 pages he says, its from the Artist’s Way book. I know several of my readers have read this book also, Ive yet to get a copy of it but want one. So Im glad he is taking that time out for himself.


The one thing I learn from other men and dating them, being involved. Well is after 12 yrs with my ex, him being pretty much my first everything. I assumed naively that was a good thing and I could never become so close to a man like I was my ex, then B shattered all of that in MONTHS after being with him, seeing how quickly we got close and felt comfortable. I got to experience a different man, but also I got to see how it is to be treated differently. And it makes it harder for one to return to being treated poorly when you have experienced feeling good with a person. So I take the pieces now Im learning from Mr C as some new tools in my life. A new type of man. Whether or not anything goes further with Mr. C, I have already learned new things from being around him. For one to enjoy life and relax, to LAUGH. To not take everything so seriously. Among just a few things. I have noticed as I have written he appears very aggressive in his touch when it comes to his sexuality. I have started to speak up with the way he touches me, when I was there at his place the weekend prior, he pulled out a feather, candle wax, massage oil, it kinda freaked me out he got so much out soo soon, and the hot candle wax was where i said NO. I had a bad experience with my ex pouring hot wax on me during the end and it really hurt me, so its a bad reminder, and I told Mr C you have to reach a level of trust and comfort to go to those places with a person. Why do people try it soo soon. My ex was the same way and even told me when he was with other women after me they said he was too rough or no to certain things, cause its as if he pulled out everything at the get go. I see the sexual relationship as something that grows and evolves also.


So I have been telling Mr C to slow down, or dont do this and he immediatly STOPS and he does listen, but why is he so eager to go there. I mean I believe as people we need to speak to one another and I think Mr C is a wonderful guy, and this area may be an issue with other women he isnt catching? Because to be honest it doesnt really fit well with the rest of him.


Well Im off again

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