Therapy Thought Record

Dear Diary,

Ahhh been a busy eve with the kids! Been looking forward to a minute to just sit down and breathe.

Had to go to counseling, run home, get some paperwork for attnys office, Run it by, pick up kids, go home, cram in homework and dinner and changing them for the Founders Day School program. Then get back to the school. Whew! Mom came and met me over there to watch. Then afterwards I took the kids to Dennys for dessert. And let them pick what they wanted. Of course they were thrilled and telling me I was the best mom ever! haha. I said to my little one “Even when I get mad at you and make you go in your room?” Hes al “Yep, your still the best mom ever even when I get in trouble or you have to yell at me” haha

So then we got home, still had homework to finish, teeth to brush, and now they are settled down for bed. We are still adjusting to the time change thing too, our clocks are running later.

I mainly am wanting to write about counseling today. I brought the Thought Record Sheet in and we went over it together using an example and she walked through it with me. Today I talked about B and I. And how I feel at times, when the thoughts take over.

We walked through the Vegas trip scenario, about what I wrote about the gay boss inviting him over for dinner (which is where he is tonight) and a few other things where my mind starts to go nuts and project ahead and panic within myself.

I am really glad we did this tonight. I got to just focus on this one issue and go over a lot of the way things are with B and I. So here is the jidst of the exercise.

We went over the email when B told me he found and ad for a place, and showed me it, and all that went through my mind is he will like the place so much he will rarely come see me, he will meet cool people there and leave me for another woman, I will see him less since he will be farther away from me.

Decribe what feelings/mood you felt?

Insecurity 60%

Fear 40%

You have to rate it 1-100% of intensity

2. What was going through my mind, what am I afraid will happen? What does this mean about me?

I said

He will meet others

Wont come see me

Im not enough for him

Theirs a part of me that does not meet his needs.

3. Circle the HOT thought in the previous column, what is the underlying core feeling

Im not enough for him

Write factual evidence to support this conclusion: He doesnt come out to see me a lot.

4. Evidence that does not support this thought:

He tells me he loves me, calls me almost daily and emails me. He called me from Vegas when Im convinced he wasnt thinking of me, he says he cant imagine me not in his life, that he has never been this way with anyone before, when we broke up the past few times he has resisted it, told me he cant imagine me not in his life, how Im his best friend, how he cant imagine not talking to me at night. Hes written down in his journal that he always considered himself not needing anyone, that he is an island, but he wrote that he does feel like he needs me in his life now and he is not used to that.

5. Alternative Balanced Thoughts:

B’s nature is not to be clingy and require a lot of attention. He is a loner type who prefers to have his own space, likes his alone time.

Its not about me. Its about him.

6. Rate Mood Now

Insecure 0%

Fear 20%

We basically walked through it, she was trying to get at if I felt I wasnt good enough. I told her I didnt think that was the core of it. I do feel Im good enough, I do feel I have a lot to give. It is him that closes off parts or doesnt open up. That is HIM, his issues, NOT MINE, or that is just his nature.

We talked about the sexuality between us. About how B explores casual sex websites, porn sites, about the stripper in Vegas. How there is this side to B he keeps separate from me and is not comfortable in sharing. And that Ive been trying to encourage communication, draw this out of him, asking him about his desires and fantasies(Because I know they are there)

She does believe they are there also, but for some reason B has a separation between love and lust or something, that he compartmentalizes them. That a relationship fits in one are and the love, and then that part is off in another area, buts it kept away from me.

Why? I dont know, but we also discussed how Im putting forth the energy to try and get things going and communicate it, and draw it out and ask. So it gets tiring because Im the one doing the work.

It wasnt anything bad about B. I know that he loves me, I really do. I shared about how a lot of my insecurities or ways of thinking have changed with him. I thought things were a certain way, but when I directly went to him with things, he was open to my discussion and questions, and responded and I got an idea of where he was at, if he did or didnt like what I was saying or doing, and was able to clear some things up. But as the counselor said “Your the one doing all the work and expending all this energy to find these things out” Which yes, that is true.

I asked her if this will get better, the panic/anxiety. Basically how I feel a certain way and respond internally without going over or even havign all the facts. How I was so freaked out while B was in Vegas, then I got his phone call early sun morning saying how he loved me and was thinking of me and all that. And I immediatly felt reassured again. And that happens with me often. I will go somewhere in my head without all the facts, then just a simple thing said brings me down from my panic.

So it will take some practice. Just as Ive calmed down with the fear over my ex, had my lightbulb moment and am doing better with that scenario. Just over this past week, well all since the Vegas trip Ive been feeling it now in situations regarding B.

Im not over it yet. I still feel it. But the part is its nothing about me. But when you want to be with someone its hard not to take things personal to some degree you know?

Anyways, guess this is it for now.

Later!