Loneliness/Music Dude

Dear Diary,

Morning.

I got incredibly lonely feeling last night. Very emotional, tears.

I dont normally get like that unless its before my period, but Im just a week past having my period.

I guess Im feeling good with B with all the talks, Im feeling good with my progress in therapy and understanding the panic/anxiety. Im feeling good physically and working really hard on my body and seeing changes. All my jeans and pants I wore last week were all falling down! haha, had to tighten all my belts. And I can just feel my lower abs and butt getting tighter. B even said he can tell, that my butt was firmer. I can see my arms, they now have some muscle, I just like to touch them, this is a first in my life to work on my body like this.

Im feeling good financially, Im not panicing over ex stuff. Sure I still have to deal with it, but I guess Im not SCARED of him, that FEAR I was having.

And the last few times Ive been with B, Ive been so sad to see him go. Weve been together over 2 yrs now. Im sat to come home and be alone on a friday night after a work week and not have his arms to crawl into.

I went and crawled in bed a little after 9pm as the computer was depressing. I had a voice mail. It was my ex, he said he had money for me, that he wasnt sure when hed be in town, so could he drop it by. I listened to the message. And for a second I thought dont call back, then I thought, call back and tell him to drop it at my Moms. But it was after 9pm. So then I said “You can put it in my mailbox” and he said ok and we hung up.

So here I had been sitting, crying, feeling lonely. And now I know my ex is gonna come by, and for some reason I wanted to see him. I changed out my pajamas. Thought about how crazy this is, one of the kids was up watching cartoons still, my oldest who knows Daddy doesnt come over here and why and witnessed my ex’s rage the last time he was here with all of us.

I wanted to see him, wanted to give him a hug, wanted to talk.

But I just laid in my bed, held my breath, and listened for his engine outside. I then heard the mailbox lid flap down, and he drove off.

I waited a few min, then went and got the envelope. He left $153.00. Hes ordered to pay $1200 a month. So far cry, and hes over $12,000 behind right now. But its the biggest amount Ive recieved since July 2002.

I thought of calling him, telling him to come over, we could hang in t he driveway for a bit and talk. But I didnt, it just ran through my head. So I went and got back online. Music Dude was on. So we talked….

Me: u around?

Him: yo

Me: Hiya my ex just came by and put money in the mail box

Him: thats cool

Me: yeah and its like I just want to talk to him or something

Him: you do?

Me: I think its cause Im lonely tonite, so here I am, talkin to u

Him: im totally lonely

Me: yeah me too

Him: My ex girlfriend just came by…then went out of town

Me: ah, were ya bummed she left?

Him: yeah, sorta, im numb …a little…i dunno

Me: Im lonesome I miss having someone around,I have someone but I want more. more time but you know that

Him: yeah i’ve been reazing how badly i need to be alone more though

Me: Im alone so dont think I need more haha

Him: no..i am alone all the time

Me: but I understand what you are saying, what do u mean your alone all the time?

Him: its been fucking difucult. i never see her,i mean, i do, but its for a couple hours

Me: yeah well thats how its always been for me with B, well throw in a weekend

Him: well i know i wont take it for to long….i just think its the right thing to do

Me: yeah

Him: were totally…no sex

no makeing out, no kissing to speak of, but cuddle and hug. i’ve NEVER been in a situation like this…its cool temporarily, but im not that into this…its the opposit extreme. i had my extreme…now she can have hers…maybe we will figure it out and meet in the middle..maybe not

Me: im all crying

Him: i lost it today….was talking to Ex(his daughters Mom) and started balling…when i picked up my kid

Me: aweeeee was she cool with u?

Him: yeah actually suprised me, she has a boyfriend now

Me: its like I just wanted to sit on the tail gate with ex and talk in the driveway nuts sounding I know, Im just in a funky mood tonite

Him: thats so wierd cuz i felt like that today with her, i think were on the same page tonight

Me: its not that I want him back exactly but we are familiar

Him: yeah…well…it aing gonna happen babes

Me: weird

Him: thank god, not so wierd

Me: no?

Him: lonely sucks, i totally would be into chillin with a friend tonight…smoke some weed

Me: well Im too far away, or else I would

Him: no friends, yeah, all my friends are girls

Me: haha and mine are guys, i have a few girlfriends but rarely see them

Him: same with me. i dont even see the girls, except l lately

Me: everyone is mainly here online. my little online world

Him: we’ve been talkin more im trying to chill on the online stuff a bit

Me: I just have my long time friends group, theres you I talk to,Mr Comedy dude on and off, guy I left home for years ago and I talk

Him: yeah…its hard when you have kids man

Me: Yeah well its weird, cause the other 2 guys dig kids and would do stuff with my kids

Him: what other 2?

Me: Comedy guy and the other guy I left home for, they dont mind a woman with kids, are all into taking kids places. Comedy dude would show up with stuff for my kids. Ive never known that before, B is uninterested

Him: dude that sucks

Me: its just weird cause the guy I left home for wasnt into the kid thing, thats kinda why it fell apart I was gonna move in and then all that crashed and burned years back and then he dated a chick with a son and it changed his whole perspective on kids: god why am I so emotional right now???

Him: lonelyness man, just roll with it

Me: I want to say something to B yet at same time I dont

Him: thats sorta workin for me

Me: just hes not how I am, feels like I just put pressure on him its like everything is going nice, we are having all these open talks,

Him: well…i can tell you…there is no way i could handle that but thats me

Me: but it just makes me want to be with him more

Him: dude we are sooo on the same page

Me: we are goofs, hell we are perfect for eachother lol

Him: i wonder, i wonder if that alone would cause drama after awhile

Me: yeah well we just keep dealing with our crap and chatting and see what happens

Him: yeah…343 days to go ( he always jokes that in a yr if we are single we will get married)

There was a pause in our chat, he went to make a call and B signed online, so this is me still talking to Music Dude

Me: I told him how Im feeling

Him: wud he say

Me: He said he misses being around me too, I told him that I wonder will it ever change. He said YES! and then “Now the question is will it ever change to your liking”

Him: so wud you say

Me: said he doesnt know how hed live his life without me, but somedays he doesnt know how to live with me in his world either

Him: hmmm

Me: I just let him talk mainly told him Im really into him and I know he loves me and all that, just that it gets hard for me at times, dunno havent gone much further then that, he doesnt relate to loneliness

Him: same with my ex girlfriend

Me: hes used to being alone, he deals with despair, hopelessness, sees things to a negative end and then says Why bother

Him: i dunno babes…i wish i knew…im not odwn with it either…maybe we do need new partners

Him: i think that no matter what happens…this should be our last relationships with these type of people

Me: yeah but the thing is are we attracted to other types?

Him: i just know its gonna take me some time to get htere

Me: or does this type seem to appeal to us for whatever reasons?

Him: welll we were attracted to each other

Him: and My Daughters Mom is not like this, me and her broke up from being to codependent together, the oposit end of the spectrum

Me: exactly and with my ex he was overbearing, no room for me to be an individual, smothered. so other extreme there too

Him: right i feel like ex girlfriend and i could work it out for a little while…but i also feel like it wont last unless we both make changes

Me: thats kinda where I feel I am Im saying what I need, feeling the outcome, can I do this?

Him: so either way…i guess i need to be alone

well its like i always say…when you hit the tolerance level…threshhold…whatever of pain…then you make changes cuz you have no choice…for me at least

me: Yes I did it with the ex, so I know I can do it, but it was hard

Him: so i figure i have made SOME change…i’ve sorta commited to not seeing anyone else, not for her…but for me.

Me: yep babe I hear ya

Him: and i have to tell you…this is totally the hrdest thing i have EVER done

Me: yeah?

Him: by far

Me: just from all Ive known u seemed to be in worse shape with A

Him: im a little less depressed, but the anxiety….jesus i’ve lost like 15 lbs

Me: eeeeks

Him: i cant fucking eat

Me: your already skinny

Him: i know

Me: still cant eat?

Him: yeah

Me: I have to eat

Him: i do…a little more… i think its getting better

Me: but yeah when I was going thru the ex panic stuff, I wasnt eating much all day, and havign to take deep breaths, shakey

Him: yeah Ex Girlfriend is in bad shape too, its wierd…we have the same symptoms…but how we each react is so different

Ive gotta take a break, dont have time to write about the chat between B and I, But it went well. I told him how I was feeling and we had a good talk. He told me all about the new place, its a Townhome, and its HUGE, nice, wood floors, he gets his own room, bathroom and a sitting type room. Airy, tall cielings. He just kept saying how I will love it. He said the guy is cool, about his age, hes from Brazil, A workaholic whos rarely home. The place is like 4 min drive to work! How cool for him!

He said he wants to be moved out by end of this month.

Anyways, Ill write more later, B is coming out tonight. So not sure if Ill write before then.

Laters