I Love You Too

Dear Diary,

Well I have to say as of Saturday afternoon my weekend kinda seemed EH. But it picked up. And here I sit at 11pm on a sunday smiling and feeling happy. I had such a wonderful remainder of my weekend. Im still smiling.

I was sitting around online trying to find someone to hang out with Sat eve or something to do. I talked the Man Ive dated online in between his 2 jobs. He had to leave at 5pm to work for the eve. He had a hard time at work in the AM and we kinda got into a little awkward conversation about it then we both got quiet. Just 2 different people with 2 different perspectives. But its interesting. We can have these conversations but we still care for one another and we discuss them pretty well, what I mean is we can agree to disagree and move forward, have some type of resolve. Which the word RESOLVE did not exsist in my marriage to my Ex.

So the Dating man asked me if I wanted to go to a house warming party at his buddy’s sisters place at 11pm that eve. But it was out of town and we were having a hard time trying to coordinate it, due to him without his car and on the job, not knowing where the party was at the moment. And on and on. The conversation got a little weird again and we worked thru it. He seems to think I wont want to do certain things so he writes me off because of his own thinking instead of hearing me say what I want to do. So I told him I would love to go, didnt care as long as I was with him what we did really.

So he invited me to work! I was nervous and felt awkward about it but decided to get over my fears and just GO. Who knows what will happen right? And I guess in a way it made me feel special that he would even invite me. He works part time for a company who puts on fund raiser events and parties. So it was ok to bring me along. So I had to rush all over town to make it to his place in time since we planned this so last minute. I got kids to Moms, ran to gym, gassed up, ran home showered, packed a bag and left with wet hair. Its an hour drive to his place. So I get there and we drive over to the work buddys place where everyone carpools. I had offered to drive us but last minute we ended up riding with the guys, so we could sit together and just relax, plus if we went to the party after wards and had some drinks we didnt have to worry about driving.

So we got to his friends house. I know 2 of these guys quite well. Have known them before I really even knew the man Im dating. Really silly guys. Well the one guy was his same ole self, made his goofy jokes and gave me a hug. But it was his other buddy, his gym pal who freaked me out. I have known this guy for so long and we used to chat a lot online, but he hasnt chatted with me in half a year, but we have all gone out together before, and he used to be such a cool and uplifting guy to me. So I see him and am then not sure that this same guy is him, he looks terrible and he doesnt even acknowledge me or look my way. So I thought I had the wrong guy, then I ask the Dating guy “Is that your buddy in there?” he said Yes. So I leaned in the doorway. I said “Psssst!” and then his name, he was zoned out staring at a book on the floor and didnt even look up. This is normally a guy who is so friendly and smiles to me. But he didnt even look up, then after me saying his name twice he glanced at me and said “Hey” in this monotone voice. I have to say, its such a drastic transformation from the guy I knew. It was actually scary, you could tell just by his looks something is wrong. So turns out guess who we carpool with? HIM, and just him. All the other guys ride together, and we ride with Spaced out guy. Well we get in the car, the drive was about hour and a half, and the guy DOESNT Speak one word! Doesnt turn the radio on. I was in the back seat and my date was up front. And he tried to ask him a question but the guy just didnt want to talk. So it was really strange. This is the same guy I went out with a year ago who wouldnt stop talking all the way home and back the night we all went to play pool. He looks terrible, he didnt even do his hair for work, which his hair is grown out now, and he just threw a hat on. I sat to myself in the backseat. Thinking “Ugh, and Im stuck here with these people now I dont have my own car” and I started to dread that I agreed to go. I ended up just falling asleep on the drive out of the sheer silence and boredom. In a way it was very tense driving with him and awkward. I sat to myself and began to pray in my head for the guy. Prayed for whatever was going on inside of him that he would be able to deal with or overcome. Because something is terribly wrong.

So we got to the event. I walked in and it was full of people, balloons, food, prizes, and Blackjack, craps and Roulette. All raffle style since gambling isnt legal. So they play for tickets to win prizes. Well my date was dealing Blackjack. And he taught me!!!! I know how to play a vegas game now other then the slot machines! haha I had so much fun too. He gave me about $1000 in free chips to play with. I wasnt redeeming them, he just let me play and practice. Well I must say at the end I ended up with $5000 in chips! I had soooooo much fun! And the people at the event were a blast! They served margaritas and drinks for under $1 so everyone had a great time. And 2 times I tried to buy a drink up at the bar both of them were bought by me by a person in line! Woohoooo! Not that they cost a lot anyways, but it was nice and flattering. Our blackjack table was mainly all guys all night. I soon caught on and had this big guy who was soooo funny next to me half the night. Did I mention what a fun time I had???? I actually enjoyed myself sooooo much and was so glad I went! Plus watching the my date deal and his personality come out in his work and dealing with the players, its attractive to watch him. It does something to me, hard to explain but seeing him interact is very appealing to me. It makes me proud to be with him. Nobody knew I was with him for the eve and not really playing for things as the others were. So we would wink and each other now and then, it was very playful and fun. I would think to myself “Wow, the blackjack dealer is hot, Hey and I get to leave here with him tonight!” haha

So after several hours of playing and having drinks and conversing with people and playing it was time to leave. We got a ride home with the other guys. My date did apologize when we first arrived about the awkward drive, he said “I apologize for that, I dont know whats up with him but I will find us other transportation home” So I was glad he said that. And his friends werent going to this party, everyone didnt want to go so we all headed back to town. So I rode home with 5 guys having pure guy talk. It was interesting to say the least, a little vulgar at times, cause one of the guys is that way, But I just let it roll, Ive known him for years and know this about him. I had to tell myself not to be offended, hes humor is odd, but hes always been nice to me. I held my dates hand all the way back in the truck.

We got back and drove to his place, came up to his room and got all comfy cozy, laid in his bed and talked, kissed, snuggled, then I flat out just passed out so tired. I SLEPT SOOO WELL! I always do when Im with him. I just love it. We slept in and the room was so snuggly and warm, his bed is wonderful, and his arms around me. What more could I ask for? We also had several talks, talked about how many differences we have between us, yet beyond it all we have this great love for one another. And how we both wonder how this will all play out, we have so many obstacles between us that cause friction, yet at the same time we have this strong love and total respect for one another. Its an interesting thing we have going. We tell each other I love you now. He said it to me this morning, the moment he said it we were just laying there and it was silent and he said it, it was really touching. I love him too.

I had to be back home by 6pm to pick up the children from being with their Father. So I then decided to try and see if we could get away for the 5 oclock movie in Hollywood. I called Mom and she said she would bring the kids home and put them to bed. COOL! I was so thrilled. I would get to take my Date to the last nite of the movie events! To meet all my coworkers n such. I had never planned on going this night, but I was going! So we hurried and showered and got ready. Then drove back to my place. We took the canyon rode which my date had never seen, you go from the city to feeling like you are in the country, to the forest, you pass a huge lake, its a really pretty drive. Then we got to town, went to my house to get me a change of clothes and a letter I had to leave for mom with the Ex he got in the mail. At this point I checked my answering machine. There was one message. On it was my youngest child saying “Dad, its the message, but its not mommys voice” You know how kids are, they dont talk to the machine and this was my youngest he didnt know what to do. So this message is him talking to my Ex. Then I hear my Ex say “Its your MOMMYS LOVER” What the heck???? He said this to a 6yr old!!!! I was mortified! All my child was referring to was the answering machines programmed voice that says “Please leave a message” and my Ex said that??? So that really ticked me off, My Ex can be such a jerk and to say such things to the children, That it what bothers me the most. 🙁

So we left, got some dinner and I went to Moms and dropped off the Ex’s mail. Then Date and I headed to Hollywood. We saw Cecil B Demilles Samson and Delilah on the big screen. It was cool, an original print that is 50 yrs old from Cecil B Demilles library. I had never seen this film either. So I really liked it. And it was nice being a Biblical Story. The message. Then afterwards they had Hugh Blaynton come up and speak. He plays the young Boy Saul in the film. He was interesting and told a lot of stories about working the Paramount lot. Told us stories about meeting Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Alan Ladd, and working with Cecil B Demille, Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature.

We then headed out. And drove to our favorite restaraunt and had a yummy oriental salad. The food from this place is just EXCELLENT. I just love going there!!! Then I drove my date to his place, we stood in the entry way and just hugged then kissed and I told him how I had such a wonderful time and had so much fun. I love this guy, we are so interesting. We are so close, have been dating for over a year or in close contact as friends, we say I love you, we have our spats. But all in all, when everything is said and done, he is the person I trust, my best friend, the one who hears all my inner most thoughts. I told him the song “Underneath your clothes” By Shakira makes me think of him. As we sat at dinner tonight I said to him “There is a line in the song that says “Your the one I choose, your my territory” And we discussed this, that its not a “YOUR MINE” way of viewing it, I said to him when I hear that song, which even Shakira said the song is not about sex. But that underneath his close, that underneath it all, all of him, him being my territory, that he is the one place and person I pour all my thoughts, fears, innermost thoughts into, he is the place where they go, I pour things into him and that is where they all reside” I got all teary eyed telling him this at the table.

I got home at 10pm and told my Mom I had such a nice weekend for once, That it felt so nice. She smiled and said to enjoy them since these days they arent always common, to take them as they come. So here I sit, I messaged him when I got in and said “By the way did I tell you what a good time I had tonight? That Im all happy and smiling?” He sent a smiley face back and said “I hope Im to blame”

I love that guy. He is the one person thru this whole rough year, despite all our conflicts, remains there for me. Loves me thru it all, when I get past all the “Stuff” he is the person I trust. Who I return back to, who accepts me for where I am at, and still loves me. Sweetie, I love you too.