More Adjusting Live In….

Dear Diary,

Morning.

Lots of stuff going on here today even though Im not a part of it exactly, some filming is going on and interviews up front.

Pulled up to a cute Camera man when I got in the lot today, I said goodmorning, but when he replied he had that Gay tone. Ah well. 🙂

Well yesterday I spoke to boss wifey on my way out of work since I had emailed her during the day with some questions and asked how she was, and made a brief mention of how things were going with B. She said “Please do call me” So I did as I left work. She said everything sounded wonderful that B is really rising up to situation, she said it was wonderful. As far as my fears and all that she said “Its okay, cry, get upset, freak out, let it out” told me to do it on my way to and from work, wherever I can, but just let myself feel it and work through it.

She said that it was wonderful hes helping to provide and take care of me and the boys, and that I have had to do it myself for the past 3 yrs.

I made mention of the dog thing, and Adored thought Id pass this to you too since there is the thing with your man and the dog. She said “Its totally understandable, the dog does not place demands on him, the dog is unconditional love, the dog listens and just looks at him with those intense eyes, youll probably notice he will just talk to the dog” She said it was a good thing, that its a starting point, and soon it will transfer to the kids(well in my situation she said it should)

She said not to say anything about it.

I picked up little one and had some nightmare time getting homework, he has a social studies workbook, but no book and it said to refer to pages in the book, little argued the teacher wont let him bring the book home, but I couldnt help him with the questions without the book? So it was frustrating and he likes to argue, so today I sent a note to school with him. They have 2 teachers basically and this is not the one I have seen, they break off from the combo class for the first half of the day to do math and social studies with another teacher for just their grade.

He also has a field trip Monday and he said he doesnt want to go, which I find interesting, but he doesnt have to, Grandma said he could stay with her. The trip is to the LA County Fair, typically in the past they went to the local fair, but for whatever reason they want to head out of town. Yes, do the commute, traffic, heat, and all that with children.

So Im okay with him skipping out on going.

Dang I just went and lumped more adjustments on top of everything, B moving in and all that change, little one changing schools and more homework, less time after work for my gym time, no after school help for homework for youngest so that means more time in the eves devoted to his homework time, which has been stressful, trying to make dinner, oldest wanting to play cause hes done with his, wanting to watch tv, etc etc. Little one gets easily distracted, so thats another trouble point. Neighbor boy is not around again so they have nobody to play with.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We were talking the other day about big families and I asked them if they wished they had another brother or sister or more siblings, they both said NOOOOOOOOOOO!

LOL then said they would be too crowded and would have to share rooms, then somehow we got talking about adoption, and the boys said “I wish you could adopt Neighbor boy, we would like HIM as our brother” Aweeeeeeeeee. Like I said, it totally sucks losing my neighbors or whatever the deal is and our childrens friendship.

I really dont know if they will be the type to keep in touch and let our kids get together after they move. I think the Mom would, but the Dad no, if hes anything like his sister, they wont allow their kids to stay with others to babysat even. Only his mother. Or certain family members. We just watched the boy while they went grocery shopping about 2 weeks ago for the first time ever, and when I went and talked to the wife she started offering for hte kids to be over so I could run errands, and then asked if her son could stay that one day, which was the first time ever since their year of living there, we invite the boy to the park with us all the time but he could never go in the past.

So anyways,

Having less gym time also doesnt help as thats my outlet, its not that I cant still go, I just need to go later in the eve, and Im not motivated then, its easier to go straight from work and before I get home and do everything, when I get home I get relaxed and tired.

So I guess I was thinking, what is my goal? What type of life do I want?

I dont want to work full time, Id prefer to be part time, have more energy and time to clean house, fix dinner, do homework with kids, be there on days off, and all that. Then if I worked part time gym time could fit in before they even got home from school. Id still like to work though, just during school time. I guess Im nervous to think of approaching work with it, granted, Im not doing this right now, but if things keep going this way and B and I keep moving forward, I will talk to him also, I dont mind having more home responsibilties then him, but only if Im working less hours, because right now I carry a full load too.

And we have to get situated budget and bill wise, Funny how hes here contributing and Im still broke, but thats mainly due to the school thing. Coming up with my half, registration and books.

Plus I have 2 credit cards to pay off and I want to throw that money into them and get them GONE, since they are both about $300 each.

But then there is the shower job also. I had to pay $200 for the pan last night. My savings will be gone very soon I may not have enough in it for the rest of the job, but Ill manage still.

So they put the drain in, and got the pan yesterday and set it in to line it up. Next is to pour the concrete that goes under the pan and let that sit.

We are getting closer and closer at least now, but I feel horrible since the guy has cancer and is going back and forth to drs having things removed and tested in between all of this. But then again, he had this before he started the job, agreed that he could do it. And Ive paid him half and all. Just praying he doesnt die on me, he made a mention last night when I paid him for the pan that hes hoping drs can keep him alive, he had a spot on his nose test positive he said.

I have no idea how much he talks to his daughter or any of that or how close they are. Because when I saw C and R at Costco the day prior they said “So how did the shower turn out?” As if it was done? I said “Oh we arent done yet, he was just at my house today” So thats was kinda weird. I mean really this job should have taken a week to complete, its going on month 2.

Cant recall if I wrote, but my mom hung my oldest sons bedroom door, I was going to have this guy do it, but my mom just said shed do it, no sense in paying, so she hung it, but the door had to be shaved some on the end to shut correctly, well the old guy shaved it the other day, he told me yesterday, I didnt ask him too, I think he felt bad as hes apologized as of late for taking so long on this job and just said he did the door for me and shaved it. So now the door can shut!

So Mom is going to put in the striker plate and then it will be totally done, I told oldest “Next we will need to paint your room” Hes all “Ohhhh what color?” And it was odd, he asked if it could be YELLOW or GREEEN????????? Haha, my 10 yr old son asked for those colors??? Which I found very interesting as those are the colors my gal pal D has used in her home, like a pretty light type of green and soft pale yellow in her room and the house is very open and cheery and she told me she has to paint those colors as she gets depressed with darks, so knowing my sons happy personality, I found it fitting he mentioned those colors, I dont care for the soft yellow, but I could see the pale type of avocado green with white trim like D has in her house for his room. So Ill have to ask her for the colors.

I know B and I have enjoyed looking at new model homes, B knows the side of town Im on isnt the best, Im the one with the established credit and own a house though, I have a longer work history also. B is just finally getting all that going, but he also would really like to be in a better area, as would I. But at the same time what I have is not bad either and its so freakin cheap for the way the market is right now. I think its best we stay put as long as we can. Sure moving would be nice. I just dont want to be obligated to work full time or a two income family.

I mean wow, one day I could work part time if B and I marry. B can make double what hes making, he has full benefits and dental( I dont have dental)and can cover all of us. So that would no longer be an issue with my job. I have no idea how that all will work with the custody support settlement, as my ex is to be paying and providing that but simply hasnt all this time.

Okay so the rest of yesterday, I was stressed out making dinner with little one grumping over homework, oldest bored and being distracting.

B would help cook, but the problem is he gets in so late with the commute and this whole past week the commute has been worse, traffic worse he says just 15 min on his way out of town all the way to work( an hour or longer drive )

Trying not to eat unhealthy, but Im thinking some pop in the oven frozen dishes are in order around here because I just do not like all the prep time to prepare a larger meal. When it was the kids and I could get by with easy small portions, but now there is more of us.

I just need to sit and talk to B, we need to come up with a plan.

So yesterday I started flirting with him on his computer. The kids were all around B at his computer discussing games. So I was sending IMs saying “I want you” and just flirting and feeling him out, thinking some intimate time later would be a good stress relief.

He wasnt seeming totally responsive, but wasnt saying No either.

I guess I just wish that man would say “Damn you look hot today” or “You dont know how much I want you” or some passion you know? Not the usual, get in the bedroom, take our clothes off and start the same way. He said last night not to wait until 11pm. I said “Oh I wasnt, was thinking after the kids went to bed” He said “Okay then” but it some ways it felt so bleh, like “Hey I want it” and hes like “Well okay” I dont know how to light the mans fire to come after me.

And thats where the damn comparing comes in to Cute You know who,,,, he admired me, I got compliments on clothing often and he could kiss like you wouldnt believe and forever, the kisses with me are not long ones, and he seems to stop them like hes had enough.

B ended up helping little one out with homework, which was pretty cute, I was watching him get all into it. I was on one side of B, youngest was on the other, youngest looks at me, I smile with my eyes and nose wriggle I do, and youngest smiled right back at me the same way! It was adorable, as if we both got a kick out of watching B help. And it was touching because their Dad wouldnt do this or even get this stuff, luckily B is intelligent education wise and can be a help. B is more of a analytical brainy nerd type.

I was in the bedroom and youngest was at the computer with B asking him questions, some how they were talking about converting Jeep engines or something! LOL And B is totally talking over little ones head, but little one stood there listening, nodding, not going away, but listening still, then asking more question and B would go on his lecture. My little one is smart, he is interested in the way things work, he loves books on mechanics and breaking down of things, he is interested in insects, vehicles, all of that.

So in some ways, I know this is good, he could be like B, ya know? So even though I know he doesnt get half of what B is saying, he is taking in something because he remains attentive.

Then they were playing last night, wrestling and chasing. It was cute, just the youngest and B. Oldest was all into reading in his room and yelling at them to be quiet LOL.

So bedtime came, I put on some cute little Fredericks black top and shorts with lace, and I laid there in bed, walked around the office where B was, nada, no response, not even a look at me or a comment. I need that stuff. I dont hear much as far as physical compliments, so Im in need of that, makes me feel good. He finally came to bed and did the usual drop his clothes and lay down, and well? I wasnt feeling it, I just laid next to him, we laid together a good long while in silence then he s tarted to fall asleep. We finally ended up talking, about sex, he said he has no libido, hes going through so much adjusting, and now Im complaining that its not good enough, I said I wasnt complaining about the other stuff, that I just have a higher drive, and when Im stressed I think its a great way to deal with it, he said “Fine Ill take the drugs again and all will be well” but it sounded sorta bleh the way he said it.

We laid there, we talked, we vented, we talked, we vented, I cried. I said “Do you still find me sexy?” Hes all “Of Course” and I said he rarely says anything or does he like when I put something on? I dont know since he doesnt really ever say anything, and that I need to hear it.

After the tears and the venting, hes all “Yes, I like what you have on, I like how it feels, I like how you look in these things…” and began to touch me. We just kept going forward, and well, it was sorta like we ended up laughing and being silly and just hugging after all teh venting and saying how we were feeling, then things happened! And the kissing and all that good stuff. 🙂

As a woman, I dont hear much on how to deal with a man who has a low libido, its usually something you hear in reverse, so I just dont know how to help or deal at times. And Ive not been around men before like this, most men I was with can do it whenever wherever and would die for this type of attention.

He told me again how he feels unattractive and asks me why I want a fat, round balding old man. I said “Hmm well, I seem to have no problem with wanting you and I had you move in with me” Hes all “Yeah, thats it your just wacked in the head” I said “mmmhmmm so?”

Yes hes put on weight, no hes not hot like he was when we first started going out, so cut and built, and walking around confident and he could be a seductive man, but he felt good physically. But I dont desire him any less, but I dont think he drives me crazy like he once did, I loved the smell of his workout on him, I loved holding his arm and how hed flex it, I love how hed walk around with no shirt on and a pair of jeans.

When we were out this past weekend at the Thai restaraunt the store owner came up to B asking him about where he got his tattoos done, was he going to get more, does he have any with color, she liked his arms, she said he needed more, had he thought about doing any on his back, she said her husband has them all over and has been featured in a magazine, she had a large scene with flowers and a hummingbird on her back, then she asked me if I had any.

I love his tattoos I think they look great and good on him. When he has shirt off and used to walk around, mmmmmmm, he also has his nipples double pierced. So theres a barebell and a half type hoop going through them.

But when he doesnt feel all good and confident, it just changes his whole demeanor, but really that is his job to change, I go work out more then he does now, and have for sometime. Id like to get a work out bench at home and a few basic bars and things and we have talked about. Hes good at weight training and knowledgeable and so with us at home together one on one I think he could do more and wed work better together then in the gym environment.

He is doing Yoga at home, it helps with his back problems, before he moved he was looking into some type of Yoga place to go to regularly, since it seems to be good with him and his back problems.

Okay, so we have people all over now, and boss is ordering lunch today for all of us! It feels all special around here.

I wonder if we get to sit in on the filming? I just asked computer guy to see if he knows.

So I guess Ill wrap this up, things are going okay, just dealing with adjustments which are normal, trying not too freak out too much, but at the same time talking and not bottling everything up.

Later!