I just wanted to Love You

Dear Diary,

Well I went to group tonight. Shared what happened with the boyfriend. I have noticed I dont like to tell many people in my “real” world about the negative stuff he has done. So this was my first time. So everyone applauded that I stood up for myself and the therapist told me how great it was I did that.

Then she said “And what did you gain from speaking up? Why did you need to do that?” I answered “well because if I just forgave again, let it slide, then he will see that it is ok to treat me this way cause I have allowed it before and Im still there for him” She said RIGHT!

I then shared that I wasnt sure what to do next. Like how long do I wait till I call him? She said “well first off the ball is now in his court, let him call you” I said “well he hasnt said anything, or called at this point” she replied, “Well if he doesnt call you what does that tell you about him?” and she left it at that.

Wow, that was a good answer, I dont know why I didnt think of that. So simple, Im just always the one trying to fix and make amends, but here Im trying to fix something Im not responsible for, I didnt do the damage, he did. And to be honest, I think about what if he does apologize? I feel so hurt that I dont think I would even be gung ho receptive either. That was just plain hurtful what he did.

Can I just comment on life, on cycles and how truly wild it all is???

This thing happens with the boyfriend, then today my Ex calls to speak to the kids, once again they did not want to talk to him. 2 days of saying no, but I gave them the phone, they chatted not even a minute and my youngest said “Dad can I call you later?” I took the phone cause Ex had to leave a number for the kiddo to call him back at. Well Ex says “Victoria, Im sorry for all this, Im sorry that Im losing a good friendship in all of this” I said “I know” he said “I really hate to loose you as a friend” I responded “It doesnt have to be that way, it doesnt have to stay this way” He said “ok,,,,, and then said bye”

My Mom said to me “Victoria, he talked to his attorney. He got the papers and got upset and didnt consult with his attorney. Now his attorney saw all thats there and told him to be on his best behavior now”

Who knows? Probably, but I was nice, but I also didnt say much, at this point I dont need too. I cant trust the man, Dr Jeckyl Mr Hyde here.

Just weird when the man I love the boyfriend becomes El Jerko, then the Ex calls up being Mr Nice guy.

This past week I was writing about love, the love i felt for my boyfriend. Tonight he signs online with no words said to me, no emails from him, no phone calls. Nothing. I know I cant make sense of things people to, but I think we all want to understand. All I wanted to do was share my love with him, that is all. 🙁 But I cannot pour my love into something that doesnt return it but destroys it.

Similar Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *