Telling yourself the Truth

Good Morning,

You know its funny, hear I go buy a book on dealing with your Finances, and its teaching me lessons that are not about my money but about myself and all. Ive actually gained a few lessons/light bulb moments as a result of this book.

I think the big one is telling yourself the TRUTH, and being truthful with others.

She gives examples in each principle in the book (Suze Ormans book that is, The Laws of Money or something ( dont have it with me right now to look)

Anyways she breaks these examples down into stories of situations and its just like YEAH! That makes sense!

Its like my friend D, when we first started to talk and she confided in me about her and the gardner, before she and her husband separated, she kept trying to “Make it work” Do the right thing” talk to me about God and what other church folks were saying. So I just said to her “D, can you stay away from the guy?” after all her “Noo I wont do this, and ill jsut break it off, and etc etc” But in the end I said “Can you do it?” and she would say “Noooooo”

And its been a constant pattern. Im guilty of it too, I see it all around me with others. We are in denial of how we really feel, dont want to admit it, so we walk around trying to convince ourselves and others that its not so and say the “right thing”

Ok so, lol this is gonna be weird, but here goes.

I talked to my friend here about this,

Right now I am finding that my attraction to men is strong. My sexual drive is strong also.

I am not sure exactly why it is? Hormones, being 30? Being with a man who isnt as expressive and assertive sexually? The freedom of being out my marriage? Etc, Im sure all of those things come into play.

But last night in class, I was totally looking my teacher over. At one point I saw another guy student looking at me looking at the teacher, lol I just shifted my eyes and tried to play it cool. haha

Next thing you know a woman behind me says “Oh I jsut want to rip his shirt open” and we all bust up laughing.

He was wearing his usually grungy funky artist type clothing, he is just cool looking. So his shirt is unbuttoned half way down, exposing chest hair. Now Ive never been one for chest hair, but on him, it doesnt matter, hes just a sexy man.

His arms were exposed, both his arms are just covered all over in tattoos. Oriental writings and designs.

He was watching some of the films last night, and laughing in his chair, when he laughs it makes me laugh, just seeing how much enjoyment it brings to him, how this is truly his passion and theres just something sexy about someone who enjoys what they do.

I watched him pull up in his car as i waited on the 2nd floor outside the classroom. He said hello and “Ohh I was supposed to come to your work today huh!” I told him no, that we just discussed a wed would be a good day but we didnt formally set it up and I told him boss was away for a few weeks, so then we can do it. Hes all “oooh good I thought I goofed up, ok email me”

Im fascinated by him, yet try to avoid eye contact.

So Im sitting there imagining him at my place in my bed and wondering what hes like last night! HAha

Yes I fantasize.

I enjoy it.

I was talking to this woman last night whos 35 and just found out shes pregnant. She looks so much older then me. And like shed have a kid older then mine. Come to find out she has a 3 yr old. Here I have a 7 and 9 yr old. Shes all “Damn you were a baby when you had your kids!” Yes I was young, but 21 isnt so young actually, lots have had kids sooner. But just something weird hit me, how people dont even think Im a mom or believe I have kids that old. And when I said my kids ages last night it felt so strange, realizing how big my kids are getting. Its amazing.

Anyways, Im just rambling now. I miss B. I wish hed come over.