Family & Boyfriend Stuff

Dear Diary,

Morning.

As I finished my entry last night, B messaged me online. YAY! I wasnt expecting to see him home since he was going to the ex bosses house to help him set up computer stuff and have dinner.

He immediatly told me happily he finished his taxes and they were electronically filed. So I was happy for him. He owed money to the IRS from a previous year, Not a major amount, but it was looming over him. And turns out he gets a nice refund this year and was able to deduct the amount owed from that so now he is all in the clear with the IRS! YAY! Which was even better news, and he still has nice amount coming to him.

I had wondered if he even went to the guys place since he was home and had been working on his taxes.

I had said “So when will we get to see eachother again?”

There was a long pause, and then he said “I hate it when you say that, its like drawing nails across a chalkboard, I just want to log off and not talk to you, it just sounds so negative to me, I cant help it, Im just telling you, it makes it sound like I rarely see you”

So I said “Ok so tell me how better I could say it?”

And he said “Just tell me, Id like to see you this weekend, I miss you, come over”

I said back “Ok that is fine, but you have to understand, I need to hear those words from you also, I think I have the other approach because I feel if I dont bring it up you wont, and that I am the one who wants to be with you more, so do you understand?”

He said “yes”

So I said “I would like to see you this weekend”

And he replied with “Hows about Saturday evening?”

And well its settled.

I told him I loved him and how many things Ive learned since being with him, told him about how Ive learned a lot about myself, and about the help with the therapist and the panic/anxiety and how I feel Im learning to handle things different, I said “I dont know if you even notice” He said “No babe, I do, your doing a great, I can see it”

Which was nice to hear. 🙂

We talked about how we both just have come from diff ways of thinking. How I came into all this very insecure, fearful, applying things with my ex to so many situations onto B. Not that I dont do it still but its lessened. And he said “Yeah and Im so harsh, stubborn, opinionated” and I had said how you take both of our hangups and throw us together, of course we would clash. And how we are learning to communicate better now. Which is cool. Just how we had the discussion I posted before this, about seeing him. How he wants to see me, but the way I say it he doesnt like. Instead of getting hurt and honing in on the words “Makes me wanna not talk and log off” I just said “How better would you recieve it, explain to me?” and then I got to say my part, and then we both just made plans for the weekend for Sat. 🙂

So now Im having some weird internal family feelings Im dealing with. Its in regards to my oldest sister. Im gonna lay it out as best as I can as to what I think is rubbing me wrong. It doesnt mean its the truth of the matter, but its my perception at this time.

I just feel as if my sister is always out for the underdog. Which isnt all a bad thing, but shes there for the ones who are wrong or sick, or who need to get some help for themselves, and she wants to be the Mamma hen.

I guess its just been a number of things.

Her inviting my ex to live there for one I did not like.

#2 all the stuff shes upset at my parents over in regards to her son.

She is mad they wont do things for her 21 yr old son. When I can see on my end where they have and my nephew is mentally ill. He just got out of jail, and keeps doing things that are detrimental. My parents used to have him come stay, my mom couldnt take it anymore.

I mean what Grandparents want to deal with a grandson who…

1. Gets arrested for shoplifting during a visit

2. Sneaks out the window at night

3. Brings marijuana

4. Called 900 lines and ran up over $500 in charges

Then my sister asked to have my moms old truck for him. They were skeptical about doing it, but did it, And whats happened to it? My nephew has had 2 cars now, and he sold the first one my sis got him for money and bought a bicycle which he wrecked.

So now my sister is upset over a sofa bed. My mom was up front and honest and said she didnt want to give it to my nephew. That the sofa was brand new. My sister was highly offended. Got upset over it, said my nephew has nothing but lawn chairs and a lamp in his apartment, that hes sleeping on the floor.

Yet I know my parents thinking, they are saying “How soon will he sell it, how soon will he be kicked out and the couch left behind because he cant move it” etc

I was even telling B about it, hes all “So what if hes on the floor, Victoria, thats how it was for me in my first apartment, I slept in a sleeping bag, big deal?”

So I called my other sis yesterday for a copy of some tax papers. She called last night and asked me if I was coming Saturday. I said “Hmm? What is saturday?” and they are gathering at my brothers. And I guess Im a little pissed off, hurt perhaps? They plan things and dont tell me or invite me. Or I hear about it at the last minute from one thinking that I was told.

My sister wants her place to be the place where everyone runs to. She loves my kids, goes on and on about them. I had her watch them once when ex and I went to Vegas. It was the strangest return for me and my ex. It was like they were her children, they didnt come to hug us or anything, and my sis said they wanted to call me while we were gone and my sister said “No they are busy leave them alone” when I had told them to call me when they wanted too.

And my sister has made remarks about how maybe one day our kids (me and my other sister) May want to come stay with her, how it is when you are older and dont get along with your parents or need someone to talk to, how family is important. And they might be able to come to her as opposed to somewhere else.

I mean sure thats nice for family to be there, but you are referring to little kids and already saying one day they will come to her place.

I just dont know, just something rubs me wrong, makes me cringe with my sister.

I love her, dont get me wrong, but I just dont get this good feeling.

Do I sound silly here? Im also seeing how much alike me and my Mom are. And that is another thing. Im close to my Mom, always have been, my other siblings arent. And they are talking to my father more, and in our issues we all have with our parents, mine reside a lot with my Dad. They feel my Dad was the kinder parent. I see my Dad as the abusive, controlling alcoholic, and my Mom as a “Abused wife” type role. I understand where shes coming from in many regards. Not saying all my mom does I agree with.

I feel weird about my Dad. Ive been pretty avoidant since that episode at the house where he came in and blamed me for not giving my mom a phone message. And getting upset at me. My God Im 30 freakin yrs old! I dont live there, Im not my Moms keeper and all that.

I dont know, anyways, I can go Saturday to my brothers, I have the kids, told B I might go and just meet him at home that eve. But I just feel so strange, its like Wow? I dont really want to hang out with my family. I was talking to my sisters so much when the panic anxiety was a big issue, and the finances. They were helping me, listening to me, etc. Now that I got my refund and got in a better financial situation and now that Ive addressed the panic issues with my ex, I dont need to call them. And its like “Wow, what do we talk about now?”

And Im so freakin tired of being talked down too, and you know my oldest sister made a remark about B. It was when she was visiting, I showed her some pictures of us. She said “Its just an adjustment, hes new and different” And didnt smile and jsut made a uncomfortable face.

Meaning they are used to my ex.

And its like UMM YEAH?? Both you and sister have remarried. I know what thats like. It is different you get used to the first spouses of your relatives, they are a big part of all our lives. And it seems for all of us, with the second men in our lives, they are very different from our first husbands.

I guess it was just her tone, Im like hello Ive learned to love my new brother in law, Ive adjusted, Ive gotten to know him. But yeah it was awkward at first. I dont know, guess I kept all that to myself and didnt verbalize it to her.

So yeah just family stuff, have no idea what Im gonna do this weekend.