Reflecting Over My Life

Dear Diary,

Well just got done eating dinner. Mmmmm. I was hungry.

I was reading another diarist I read and have just been noticing things she says that sort of trigger old memories of my marriage to my Ex.

I just notice her say things like she has to watch what she spends and buys at the store when hes around, how she can buy what she wants with him gone, how he keeps moving them, how she is never in a place long enough to make friends, and then talking about no internet and no TV. Its just all signs often times of a controller. ISOLATION and CONTROL. I dont know her well enough to know if this is truly the case but I just see red flags.

I do think back in my marriage. To my stay home Mom days, to my church wife days.

So heres a rundown on my married life, and what progression I saw, or well at the time refused to see. I guess you will see the places that resemble what I read in another diary and why they triggered thoughts for me, doesnt mean they are the case for the other diarist, it just brought up feelings for me.

I met my Ex husband at age 16. I was a virgin born again christian looking for a christian man and saving myself for marriage. I just wanted to be married.

We dated for 4 yrs. He became my world. He also began to touch me sexually. I didnt know how to respond or what to do so I froze. After the first time I cried when he went home and prayed to God. I told him that next day that was wrong and no more. He said he agreed. Well he didnt, he kept trying and trying. I would go along not seeking it, yet when he did things I just let him. So with time I began to want to also. My sexual side was awakened. Although I wouldnt have sexual intercourse with him. I still wanted to save something. We were also very involved in church and youth ministries as volunteers.

Ok you know, this is going to mainly sound all negative, but Ive never actually chronicled all this stuff in a sort of time line form. So here goes.

Ex confesses to me he has lied about his past when we dated. He didnt finish school, he didnt have a vehicle he claimed he had.

He prostituted himself with a man for money while we dated.

He went over to my best friends house and tried to touch her sexually while I was away one weekend at a christian retreat.

I broke up with him at Year 3 of dating for a guy who kept giving me attention, and I had now started to have sex with my ex at age 18. My Ex stalked me and harrassed me and the guy. Following me on numerous occassions. I ended up hearing bad things about the guy I was now seeing and went back to my Ex. We sat that night we got back together singing praise songs to God. I thought this was where God meant for me to be.

I felt convicted about us having sex and working in ministry and told our leader and we stepped down from our position, My ex didnt want me to come forward but I couldnt stand being a hypocrite to teenagers.

I confessed to my girlfriend who was at Christian College about the sex and I wanted to stop. She then got me a counseling session with a instructor at the college who also was a book author on teen issues. I remember I went to meet him, sat in the big rec area in a hallway with tissue, and after I told him about my relationship the guy said to me “ANd why are you with this guy????” and I replied “Because I love him” He was really dumbfounded with what I had shared. And I never saw the guy again.

We then found our PASTOR and what would become our home church of over 10 yrs. We went to get some counsel on being pure before marriage and we appreciated his feedback, he just read us scriptures but didnt dictate at us. Well next thing you know, a college age guy at our church and I talk about struggling with sex before marriage, I was honest with him and he went and ratted us out to the pastor. The pastor then called my Ex in and yelled at him, told him to leave the church or we had to get married. We got married 6 mos later. We both looked up to him, thought he was speaking God’s word and new best.

Age 20 I was married. We couldnt get an apartment because my ex worked for family under the table, We had no pay stubs. So we couldnt get a decent apartment. I worked babysitting and housekeeping at that time for small cash. I had been a live in Nanny before we got married with a family, but quit since I was getting married.

My parents rent us one of their apartments. I love it! Its our first little home and cozy. My ex quits his job after one month of marriage. My pay brings in enough for groceries or a utility bill. I was very upset because my ex quit his job with no warning so I wasnt prepared at all.

We couldnt make our rent and I wouldnt mooch off my parents for free rent. One thing about my family we were raised to be good money managers and to WORK for things, not take advantage. So I could not stay. I ended up taking my old Nanny job back, Me and my ex moved all our things, all our wedding gifts packed in boxes and now we had a bedroom and we slept on sleeping bags. I got about $20 a week since she gave us free room, board, and food, And I watched her kids. My ex also lost his truck when he quit the job, so all we had was my old car. I grew tired and frustrated. Why was I figuring all this out and supporting us now? While he sits and watches tv? I yelled at him one day to go find a job. He said he didnt have a vehicle. I said “WALK!” he left mad at me. But he came back home that evening by foot with a job. He then decided he was going into ministry and to bible college and GOD was gonna provide us the means! I was so pessimistic about it all. We had NOTHING! And now he wants to move us out of state to a ministry school? And he kept saying God would provide. Made calls, got brochures, told people we were going. Well needless to say the money did not magically appear as he thought. But he was working now and used the car. We then moved in with a guy from church who had a big house. We rented out the master bedroom and bath and the guy gave us the bed to use. I got pregnant then. My Ex was gone all day with the car. Where we lived nobody was close nor were there things to do, so I sat home all the time with no way of doing anything. I also would ask him to read or pray with me at night, we were in church, he worked with teens still during this time in ministry but with me he didnt seem too interested, he began to yell at me over this and one night screamed at me in a rage when I was 6 mos pregnant when I asked him about praying one night in bed. He yelled, I was crying in the bathroom gagging, nauseated and asking him to stop, then he told me wanted a divorce. I was devastated! WHY??? I woke the man up we lived with to make my ex stop yelling at me.

We began to work our way up financially and moved into low income apartments. But they were nice, in a gated area. Our apartment was clean, a 2 bedroom. I have to say in all the time with my ex that year in that apartment was for ME the best time of the whole marriage. The apartment was in the center of and in walking distance to stores. I was also closer to friends and family. We didnt hook up the cable, we didnt want the expense. I had video tapes of Little House on the Prairie episodes and things to watch. I was going to have my first baby. Women in church gave me clothes, I also had to go to the welfare office for health insurance and sat there all day with a lot of low life people. I was so upset when I left that place after how I was treated, I just cried. I had my first baby. Everything went great. I remember how tiny he was in his carseat. How my ex and I were so nervous that night to put him to bed, we wanted to both keep and eye on him, so we made a big bed on the floor, and put pillows on either side of our baby then we each slept on one side of him. heehee We were new parents! My first child was so mellow, great sleeper, just a very easygoing baby and a joy. I used to bathe him in the baby tub next to the sliding door of our balcony where the sunlight came in each day, clean his ears, scrub his head, clip his little nails. We went walking a lot him in his stroller, I nursed him and well it was just a really nice time. Also our sex life had never really been good with my ex until this year, I began to let go and be able to relax and enjoy sex with him.

Ill continue later…