Getting Help

Dear Diary,

I got about 4 hrs sleep last night, same the night before.

I was on the phone with a friend online M till 3am, hes been in a relationship for 3 yrs with similar type situations, and hes left her and gone back, left her and gone back. And its not getting better, and we are both in the same boat, yet we both hate to feel alone, how we return back because its familiar, all that stuff.

We talked for a long time. He said that other men tell him hes a “Pussy” or a “Pansy” and he kept saying “Vicky I am, Im the kinda guy who talks about my feelings, who asks my girlfriend “What are you feeling?” and she will snap back “God whats with you, your too sensitive!” And he said “All I ever hear is women complaining about how guys are insensitive, and then when we are, they dont want it!”

He said “I was raised by a single Mom, so I know thats part of why I am the way that I am”

So anyways, we havent seen one another in 4 yrs. We discussed hanging out, hes actually going to babysit his Nephew friday night in a city 10 min from my sisters ( he currently lives about 3 1/2 hrs away) So he said I can come over and visit, so I might. I dont know.

This is a really really hard place for me. I dont know who to hang out with or what to do, part of me at moments want to jump up and say YEAH! Lets go do something, then the sadness creeps in and I just want to be alone, in my home, where I feel safe, and I can cry as hard as I want to, as loud as I want too, anything.

I got like that with Mr Comedy last night. He was there from about 6:30-11pm, we went out to the mall to eat and just sat on the couch watching tv at my place other then that. And the last hour I was ready for him to leave, I was uncomfortable. I was missing B, I didnt want the guy there. I wanted to cry, i wanted to check email, i wanted to journal.

My sisters have offered to come out this weekend, my middle sis said I can come stay, and I dont want to to be honest, They have families, busy lives, children and I need some space for ME, to feel safe to cry, and nights are the worst, it scares me to even think of staying the night at my sisters, while everyone is in bed, and Im up wanting to cry or wandering around the house depressed, night times are the hardest 🙁

So I switch back and forth often between “Get out! Yeah that sounds fun!” Back to “Nevermind, Im hurting to bad right now”

Mr Comedy and I spoke after he got home after midnite. I had told him I was going to bed when he left. I just didnt want him thinking I wanted him there late or sleeping over or anything. So I knew hed be puzzled to see me up and online. I said I was having a hard time, and crying. He said “Why?” I said “You already know” Hes all “What did you talk to him again?” I said “No, it just hurts, letting go, not knowing what is going on, no closure” He said “Well thanks I thought we had a good time” in a pouty sarcastic way. I said “Its not about YOU, I had a good time, so knock it off, its just hard ok? Its not gonna go away in a day” He replied with “Wow, he really did a number on you”

Most guys just dont get the freakin grieving process do they???

Well I leave in about 2 1/2 hrs for the support group. Im nervous about going. Mainly because I havent had a support group since Nov, and lost my counselor then. So Ive been out of the weekly support since then. And I feel like Ive gotten so weak without it, and well, I feel like Im going to cry there terribly, I know its ok to do so, but Im so fragile right now, I feel like Im gonna literally break down in there once someone asks me how Im doing. I start crying just thinking about it.

Im gonna cry there, its a given, I cant stop that.

Then the therapist session will be about an hour after that. I really know I need help right now, I just wonder what type of feedback Im going to get.