Doing Better
Dear Diary,
Whew what a day so far!
Worked till Noon, left for group. New group a bunch of new faces, my old group I knew everyone so it felt very comfortable so I was the “Newbie” today. Also the new therapist is much younger and really hip looking and has a different approach to group also. So it was all in all good. I was quiet and took it all in.
I then left at 2. Went home, hopped on the computer a little bit, ate some lunch, started some laundry. Got some things to mail together. Then I went to the post office, the cute guy works at my regular post office, must have transferred from the big one where I saw him a few times, Generally he has a jerky attitude which detracts from his looks, But today he was friendly and joking. I cant even look up at him, haha hes really cute.
Yeah well hes got a wedding band tho….
I then headed for therapy. OH! And I didnt break down like I thought I would at my support group. But I did cry at therapy.
We just covered the ex stalking issue and the B break up, that hour session goes quick so wanted to get it all out.
So we discussed the stalking, that my ex is playing mind games but legally hes not physically threatening me, so what can I do when these situations arise? She walked me through what happened at work, She said “Ok so what if you just shut your door, I know it wasnt easy to work, but are you afraid hes gonna barge in your door? ” I said No. She said, And if he were to do that, what would you do?”Call 911″ I said. So we talked about how I panic, how I always dwell to the situation with OJ and Nicole and I think of the worst case scenario. So we walked thru the pattern with my ex.
That his tactic is mental and manipulation. And that I need to have a plan of what I will do if I see him or anything. Such as if he ever follows me I call police and say Im being followed or drive to a police station. And she said I need to start talking myself down because i panic, and that its good that I call someone to talk to. It just the initial panic I first feel and that needs to get under control.
We then talked about B. She basically said “Do you deserve this?” You know hes being a Jerk”
🙂
She told me I need to get out, make those plans, so what if I go out and cry, Im not better off then if I sat home and then broke down crying. Ill just be elsewhere.
In reality why Im not wanting to go and do things is because Im secretly hoping and wishing B would call and want to talk or see me. She said “So if he calls and you arent home, it wont really change anything. He can leave a message”
She did talk to me about medication. Asked me if I felt I needed it, and why not. Come the end she said “wow, I admire your spunk, you are correct your in the start of this and its a tough time emotionally with a break up, but if you stay like this for an extended period of time we will talk ok?” I said sure.
She asked me why no meds and I said “Well I know when ex and I split up I went thru a really painful week, the worst in my life to date, I hurt and cried and walked around a zombie, but I made it through it, and I know if I made it through that I will pull through this. She said “Your a strong woman”
So it was good, Im now at home, debating the gym before getting the kids, Ive only had 4 hrs sleep so not sure if the gym is a good idea, but I think Ill try. I hope I can pass out EARLY tonight, And I cant wait to read a book with my little one tonight, hes been wanting me to read stories to him, not picture books, and we sit together and he just listens, which is a really nice close bonding time for us.
Well Im off, pray for me my evening goes better, I also really need to go have my kids pick me out a stuffed animal to sleep with. I still sleep with B’s bear but think a bear or something my kids pick out would be better for me and be a reminder of their Love.