I Panic

Dear Diary,


Been busy! Thank God! And just feel like so much has happened.


Well let me start this off, by saying. I came to a realization about myself. The counselor touched on it last week when I went in on Thursday, but I thought this only applied to how I react over my Ex. But I do it in general, and it wasnt until Friday night it clicked.


I PANIC.


I ended up talking to B on friday night, he was kind, I was such a mess I felt like dying.


I dont know if this will all make sense, because, well. First off its how I was raised and what my home life was like. My sisters came out to stay this weekend and well we had a talk about this, my sister suffers from major anxiety and what we call “Spinning thinking” This is why she is in therapy right now herself.


Not to say B is Mr Perfect and Im ok with everything he does, but I have realized if something happens, I fill in the blanks, and i tend to fill it in with the worst possible case scenario, I let my mind run with it and consume me. I make it “reality” for myself when in fact it may not be. Not sure if Im making sense or if I even have the energy to write it down at the moment, like give an example.


But it was like I could breathe, I could sleep, everything after I got off the phone with B that night.


Basically B felt dumped on continuously with my stress and stories, he didnt know what to do, then his boss took a promotion and B is in the midst of being hired for a permanent and not a temp position so hes all fearful of his job security. So he said “Vicky, Im not like you, I dont need to call and talk about what is going on, Im an introvert, and you are an extrovert and you like to talk, and often times you want me to talk, and I feel pressured, and then I dont want to talk to you because I dont want to deal with that”


There were many other things said, but how i Just make all these assumptions and scenarios and work myself up into a emotional frenzy.


Sooo other things, my sisters came and did a lot, my sister bought me a book, we had lunch and went to Barnes and Noble, My oldest sister arrived later and we all went out to Dennys for a late night snack time. No kids for any of us! It was fun.


Next day my middle sister got all my legal papers etc out, organized them all, combed thru them and basically said “Consider me your financial advisor, Im here to look out for your best interest, who does this other then your attny? Someone needs to look over what your attny is doing also” My sister is a CPA and financial type advisor and used to work for several companies, so my oldest sister kept saying “VIcky, let her do this, she did this for me” My sister told me to start faxing her whatever is up with the legal process and she wants to help me out, that Im emotionally involved so its harder for me to think of it as a business, and my sister will help keep that end in perspective.


She crunched numbers for hours and basically said “Vicky, theres no way hes gonna get money. So she is going to fax me a spreadsheet that is easy to read to give to my attorney and have for myself with all of MY figures.

Well my kids called several times this weekend. Sat eve my oldest called, they had driven to Ex’s Uncles house out of town, Well next thing I know I hear my ex being questioned, since my son is sitting next to him you can hear it all. My ex got pulled over and hes yelling at the kids to get their seatbelts on, then the cop is questioning him about an unpaid ticket, then one of the kids asks him whats going on and he said “Daddy hasnt paid his registration”


I couldnt help but feel a little bit good? But Im just curious what else happened, if he has unpaid tickets, truck payments, and if hes even been paying his auto insurance. Last I knew he had tickets in a few states and he said he had a warrant in Cali. I was wondering if Id hear from the kids later, but no call. Sooo.


They will be back this eve, the kids had school off today and he was to drop them off at school so asked to keep them until 5 which I said was fine.


Oh and I heard him saying something to the cop about his ex wife.


And I totally forgot! Haha, my ex called me early on last year and accused me of driving his truck way out in the middle of nowhere and getting a ticket. And accusing me of it, Im like “What?” The whole story was nutso, but Im gathering he must have been giving the cop the whole story that the unpaid ticket wasnt his?? Who knows, its like duh???? If it was ME, I would get a ticket, they would have viewed MY Drivers License???


My oldest sister brought her drill gun and we removed all the big shelves my ex put up in the office! YAY! And my sister is taking them for her garage. So now my wall is free and I can finish painting the office! She also brought me some really nice curtains for my office also.


So we were busy busy busy.


We also took the Dog into the vet to have the tumor looked at. So hes scheduled to go in in about a week and a half. My sis is paying for it all but wasnt happy with the vet we saw, he wasnt very personable or kind or gentle the way he spoke. He didnt say the dog was in bad shape, and tried billing us for a teeth cleaning and all this other garbage.


Im exhausted, in a good way I guess, just a little overwhelmed with so much that I was doing all weekend, and coming down from that big panic high I had myself on all week.


I went and stayed at B’s last night, I arrived about 8:30. We just talked and laughed and joked, he put something on the computer to watch, and I just couldnt stay awake, so it was just nice to be with him.


Im brushing over a lot of what happened this weekend, because well I just dont have the energy to type it all. And Im still trying to understand some things about myself.


I also have some wonderful friends.


JT called me one day to see how I was, saying he was worried about me.

Mr Comedy was calling me


I talked to a guy pal in San Diego,


I reached out some this time and well made some contacts and now have several people offering me to visit or go hang out and do things, and Music Dude and I talk still, I love that guy. He is really cool. I was thinking about my guy pals, I even was talking to L online the other night, and he was all “How are you doing doll?” and its like WOW, I have some really cool GUY friends, ones who are respectful of me, sure they may not be boyfriend material, but these are guys, who many Ive retained friendships with for 2 yrs and up. And I was just thinking at how easily we can talk to eachother and make eachother laugh, so I am fortunate and have to take a good look at what is around me, and that there are those who care.


But I do also realize B holds a place within me, the special place.

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